I'm now part of a Jerry Springer show!

[goingtofixME]

I am so confused. I go from knowing for certain that I don't want to be married to my H to wanting my H back regardless of what he has done. I know that I do not want the same relationship I had with him before, but I do want the love that we had. I feel like confronting him about his EA was an eye opener for the both of them. I believe he got kicked out of his gym. Not sure because I have been staying away from there. I know this has probably pushed him closer to the EBFOW (ex best friend other woman), but I couldn't just let them keep this a secret.

The warped thing is that we all went out to dinner recently with other friends. One is a woman that I have been friends with for quite some time and the other was one I just met that was a new friend of EBFOW. Both of these women know that my H and I were together just a few months ago. How will this look to them? Will it change their friendships with EBFOW? I believe that letting it just fester in secrecy wasn't a good thing though.

I said some really mean and hurtful things due to my pain. Things I meant at the time. They still try to lie and say that they were just friends, but friends do not text each other for hours on end. Friends do not get more time from your spouse than you do. They go shopping now together. She buys him stuff and is probably responsible for him getting an apartment because he certainly couldn't afford it. The thing is she has two ailing parents. Both on the precipace of not being here any more. How will this affect the affair?

They really have very few things in common. Going to concerts, being miserable, shopping, playing video games, and her pretending to like to play pool. She is also quite vapid. He did end our relationship telling me that he wanted someone not as smart as he is and he certainly has ended up with that.

I'm waiting to see if he files. He won't be able to figure out the paperwork and she, well she can't even file her own income tax return as a single person, no dependents, with no deductions. I wonder if she will be willing to shell out the money for a lawyer. I know I shouldn't be wondering anything.

I should just be GAL. Which I am attempting. I joined a gym and have made it twice. I worked out on the treadmill for 25 minutes last night. I've lost over 33 pounds in the month that he has been gone.

I feel stupid for wanting to put my children through this. Is it in their best interest for me to be with this man who so casually threw them away for his own happiness. These are not his children and that made it even easier. He justified this by making up excuses. Where in the world does all of this delusional thinking come from? Do they get a script handed to them?

I have been miserable in my marriage for quite some time due to my H's inability to be responsible and make me feel as if I am important, but it never occured to me to walk away. Am I the stupid one for staying and wanting a better R with this man? Is that even possible?

I can't see his R with my EBFOW fulfilling anything in him other than she validates him, buys things for him, and accepts him for what he is. Even though I do not buy for a minute that he likes who he is right now. He has been so miserable because he has failed to achieve his dreams of being better and that I believe is the catalyst for all of this. When I told him in anger that he was worthless and that he had nothing to be proud of in the years he has been on this planet, he looked as if I had smacked him in the head with a brick.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I hate him having so much space in my head. I want peace, but what will I have to do to get that?

I would appreciate some advice.