You do know you arent required to jump each time your W wants something, right? So what if she wants to talk? Do YOU want to talk? If not then dont.
She is short with you and takes the tone she does with you because you tolerate it. If you are not comfortable with the way she speaks to you then let her know. Set that boundary for YOU and get back some self respect. IMO its perfectly acceptable to say "W, I understand you have some things on your mind but until you feel you can discuss them with me in a even and rational fashion and not talk down to me then no further discussion will take place". And yes, she probably will get pissed at that because WAS dont like having boundaries set. They dont like NOT being in charge of the show. They dont like realizing they arent in full control anymore. She dictates when you talk, when you come over, what you do when you do come over and when you see your kids. She has you on a leash and only you can set yourself free of it.
Stop apologizing to your W for every little thing. It just gives her more power and it shows her that you have no self respect.
Clearly your W does not want to reconcile. So, why do you continue to let yourself be treated like garbage? Chances are either way she wont reconcile right now, if ever. So you might as well stand up for youself and at least not be led around like a puppy.
Not only have you handed all the power to her on a silver plate, you also have handed all the power over to your in-laws. Your actions are helping to form a huge team against you (W, in laws). Break down some of the power you are giving them.
