"Upon deciding, be quick to act." - Maximilien Robespierre
Some gaps in the road can seem too broad for leaping. But if we can't get across them, we're stuck. All forward motion comes to a halt, and the journey toward self-realization is over. One of these gaps is the cavern that stands between decision and action.
After making a decision, a person is different. Whether you have decided to stay or leave, start or stop, risk or conserve, you have opted for change. Mentally, you have already done it. To fail to act on a well-considered decision is to invite confusion, double messages, and emotional chaos. With the loss of will, integrity is also lost.
Sometimes, because we're afraid to act, we won't even admit that, deep down, we've already made a decision. Perhaps, for example, we've completely withdrawn our spirits from a hated job or a dead marriage. By denying that we've already pulled out, we deny our own truth. This denial not only devastates our self-esteem, but it widens the gap between where we are now and our next destination. Sooner or later we're going to have to take the leap. Why not sooner?
Affirmation: Once made, an important decision will cause me grief until I act on it.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
"Upon deciding, be quick to act." - Maximilien Robespierre
Some gaps in the road can seem too broad for leaping. But if we can't get across them, we're stuck. All forward motion comes to a halt, and the journey toward self-realization is over. One of these gaps is the cavern that stands between decision and action.
After making a decision, a person is different. Whether you have decided to stay or leave, start or stop, risk or conserve, you have opted for change. Mentally, you have already done it. To fail to act on a well-considered decision is to invite confusion, double messages, and emotional chaos. With the loss of will, integrity is also lost.
Sometimes, because we're afraid to act, we won't even admit that, deep down, we've already made a decision. Perhaps, for example, we've completely withdrawn our spirits from a hated job or a dead marriage. By denying that we've already pulled out, we deny our own truth. This denial not only devastates our self-esteem, but it widens the gap between where we are now and our next destination. Sooner or later we're going to have to take the leap. Why not sooner?
Affirmation: Once made, an important decision will cause me grief until I act on it.
There sure is a lot of truth in this post. And it exemplifies the WAS.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks FIB, that's pretty difficult to wrap my head around, but I think I got the gist of it. I guess the bottom line is that I have decided to stick it out, continue to DB and fight for my M, and do nothing to move things in the direction of D. W will do what she will do, and I can't control it.
My affirmation:
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!...
I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for checking in. I'm doing OK, but today was not a good day.
I dropped my kids off at the movies, went back to the house, and W says "We need to talk". Well, I knew it was coming, but it finally happened. She said she just can't keep on doing what we're doing, she's ready to move on, she's tiring of being in limbo, and she want to dissolve the marriage. I said "what do you mean dissolve?". She said she wants a divorce. I said I don't so I guess we're still at an impasse. Then she starts to get annoyed - "I was hoping we could do this amicably, are you saying you are going to drag this out?"
me-"No, I'm just not going to do anything to help move it along"
w- "So you're going to stall and delay things, hoping I'll change my mind"
me- "No, I'm just not going to do anything to help move it along"
w- "So it's all on me."
me- "Well, yeah, it really is as you are the one who wants this"
w-"I was hoping we could just do this easily, just work it out between us and not have to go through a long drawn out legal process"
me- "I don't think so. Destroying an 18 year marriage where there are kids involved cannot be an easy process, there's too much at stake"
w- "So that's how you are going to be..."
me- "No, that's not 'how I'm going to be', that's how it is. If you are expecting this to be a nice easy process, like when you sign all the papers when you buy a house, and let the lawyers deal with all the legal crap, you're wrong. This is going to suck, it's going to really suck, and in the end we're both going to end up worse off."
w- "I don't know why you say that"
me- "Look, no matter how you look at this, it's going to suck for everyone involved, you, me, and especially the kids."
w- "It will be hard for them at first, but in the long run they will be better off because they will have closure. Living in limbo like we are now isn't good for them."
me- "So you're saying that they will be better off if we get divorced"
w- "Yeah, I think they will. Right now they are so confused wondering what's going to happen. They need closure so we can all move on."
me- "I'm just going to have to disagree with you on that. I have to get out of here, I'll see you later"
Fortunately I was able to have this whole conversation without getting emotional, and actually kept a pretty positive tone throughout, which I think threw her off, because she got increasingly annoyed throughout the the conversation. I think she was also surprised when I just ended it abruptly and left.
So now I wait and see what she does. This really does suck.
I need some advice. Following up our conversation I put together the following email, and I'm wondering if I should send it to W. Let me know what you think.
W,
Before you take any steps toward a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem, I would ask that you consider participating in one or both of these workshops with me.
I really believe that we owe it to each other, and to our kids, to try and see if we can work through our issues, as a divorce will have life long impact and repercussions on all of our lives. At the very least, we would know that we exhausted every opportunity to make it work, and could move forward without doubt of whether we should have tried something to help.
I would appreciate a response, even if only to let me know that you received this email.
Thank you.
So what do you think? Is this pursuing, or do you think it would be an appropriate email?
If and/or when my wife tells me the same thing I think I'm going to say or send an email that says about the same thing. Like you I'm not sure if it's right but I know I want to make sure she knows that I wanted to try everything.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
