Toh I know u dont like to hear what i have to say sometimes but we havent heard from you in a few days so keep in touch we are all worried over your situation
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
an2m, I know you mean well and you think you know, but I don't think I've ever met a more negative, pesamistic person...:)
Things are great here. Life hasn't been better for a long long time. Don't know if ever to be down right honest.
H seems to have calmed. I am keeping my eyes wide open and know that at any moment things could turn south again. Last night he stopped in before going to work and really surprised me. He has contacted an auctioneer, we talked about selling the place to the neighbor as he has expressed an interest, he has really gotten the ball rolling. Before he had been dragging his feet. Sunday he asked again if there was any chance for us. Then all of a sudden he turned around completely. I am just going with it, it works well for me. Anything to just get this all settled.
The neighbor threw out an idea at me yesterday. He would buy the place and then rent me the house. I laughed at first and took it as a joke. Then the more I thought about it, the better the idea sounds. No liability, I could afford rent alot better than the payment, I wouldn't have to worry about moving till I'm ready, etc...Really thinking about it.
Busy getting ready for graduation and prom. She has her party May 9th, and the ceremony is May 17th. H's talking sale May 23rd, so alot going on. Trying to make the main focus on D17 now though. She deserves that.
Life is wonderful! A few months back, didn't think that would be possible again. My how things change.
Take care all! TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH, you have given me advice in the past and good advice at that. Maybe an2M is on to something here. I just read and re-read what she wrote and what you wrote. As a by stander on YOUR thread, I can see the concern that some others have for you. They only know what you tell them here, so apparently your h is violent when drunk. As some men are. I think in that sense they are just looking out for you and your friend. BUT you know BETTER than anyone what your h is capable of. For all we/they know you could have stretched the truth about you h. Just saying. All anybody has to go on on these boards is what we tell them and what they tell us. We might get angry at our h's or xh's and write something looking for sympathy, therefore ONLY YOU know the real truth. SO if you are saying its ok, unless you are covering. KWIM? I am NOT the best at explaining things. It's just alot of times on here people have assumed alot ONLY because I didnt give the proper info to them. It would make me upset because they REALLY didnt know, but yet they only COULD KNOW what I TOLD THEM. Now as far as dating while married, if that is what you are doing, I have to say personally I would not do it. For one, its NOT right, you are still married, that makes you a cheater, (sorry for the harshness of that word), and two, you are lonely and could settle for the first person that said a KIND word to you. Believe me I have wished for ONE MAN to say ONE KIND word to me. Honestly I probably would have to hold myself back.lol No, I hope I am not that bad yet. Anyway, please dont take what I said the wrong way. You have been so nice to give me good advice. You are smart, you know what to do. Let me ask you this, are you afraid that if you put b off he might not wait around for you? I am just asking, because it seems like you really want it to work with him.
I probably shouldnt be giving advice so please anyone correct me if what I said to her is wrong. Including you TOH. You have been thru so much, you deserve to be happy. Just dont fall into the devils trap hon.
Hugs to you, Renee
P.S. Feel free to pop over to my thread and catch up with me, I need all the help I can get.lol
Thought I'd update. Things are going pretty well here in TOH's world...
H and I are getting along for the most part. He has been being pretty cooperative accept for a couple of drunken nights where he has harassed me some. Understandable but frustrating. He's hurting. I've felt all of the "stuff" he is going through. Last week his back went out. He called me at 9pm crying. Asked me to take him to the hospitol. He had no one else. I told him I'd be right there. I took him, BIL went with. Friends and family were all "what?" "why would you do that?". Because that's me. He needed me and I could not NOt be there. What good does it do to hold grudges, be angry, point fingers? It is so much easier to be kind. I care about him, always will. D17 spent the next two days with him in the hospitol. After all that hurt he has put on her. She stepped up like her mother and did what was right. I am so proud of her. The two of them and N15 too, continue to pick up the pieces and are getting closer all the time. That makes me so happy.
The D papers are drawn and waiting for agreement from H. He is taking a couple days but I think he is going to sign. He has 2 weeks to agree, then we have waved the 90 days so this could be over soon. The auction is set for the 23rd. We gave the neighbor a price for this place yesterday. We'll see what they do.
This weekend was prom. D17's senior prom. She looked absolutely amazing! She went with her off/on boyfriend of 4years. Her best freind. They had a wonderful time. I am so happy for her.
Graduation annoucements are going out today. The party is in the works.
N15 is still N15. She has been keeping out of trouble for the most part. Caught her lying and sneaking around first of the week. But that's her. She's still her coniving little self. I continue to do my best with her.
I am having a wonderful time spending my free time with a wonderful guy. I know you all don't agree with it. I respect your opinions and agree with most of what you say, BUT. In my heart the day I filed for D my M was over. There is still a piece of paper that legally ties me to my H but the M has been over for a very long time. I am D in my heart. The reason I can say that is that once those papers were drawn there was no going back for me. I knew that before I ever went to that office. Those that say I am doing the same thing as my H did are so very wrong. He was seeing OW while we were living as man and wife. Then he left, he continued to see OW but kept me hanging on a string. He denied her completely. He gave me small hopes that we could maybe R in time. But continued to see OW. He never made one attempt to legally disolve the M. He used us both. H knows about B. There is no secret. We keep a low profile to keep peace. I have been totally up front and honest with B and H, and everyone else for that matter. I have no intentions what so ever to R. I filed for D.
Anyway, life is good. And the future looks wonderful!!!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
and I truly hope it is for you. If you and B are meant to be then there is no rush just enjoy the "now" I hope H signs and you are then free to persue the life you seek. Do make time just for you though, I know you are done but you will still feel it when the D finally becomes a reality. Take care
I don't wish you to be UNhappy but hearing your giddiness about having an affair with your new man while dissolving your marriage and the life you loved makes me feel sick. Nice example for the kids. Jump from man to man and beb to bed, marriage is just a paper you can ignore when you so choose. No reason to say anymore, you'll justify your affair in whatever way you need so you can be okay with your actions.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
As WCW said, no one wants you to be unhappy. But we also do not want you to live with regrets from choices you are making now.
You decided to file only after you got yourself involved with another man. You decided to file only after you found someone that treated you better than you felt you were treated by your H. Before that, you were learning to detach from your H antics, to expand your own interests, etc. You were learning how not to react to emotions.
You are now again reacting to emotions. Your thinking is colored by the feelings of a new relationship that has replaced the hurt and pain you were feeling from your ailing marriage.
I think all of us here would have felt much more support for you if you would have filed for D without the influence of a 3rd person in your marriage. And yes..that is what B is...a 3rd person. Just as OW was a 3rd person in the marriage.
You are saying that your relationship with B is much different than when your H became involved with OW. NO IT IS NOT. There is no difference. Why do you think there is a difference?????
You say the marriage was over a long time ago....then why didn't you or H filed at that point? Why now? Why do you think B is supporting you in your decision to D H NOW? Think about it TOH. Think about the effect that B is having on the decisions you are now making....just like OW had an influence on your H and his choices.
Sigh. Love is blind they say. Apparently lust is too.
Please do not try to excuse starting an affair while still married. Please do not say there is a difference. If B was worth it, he'd wait for you and you would have waited for him until the marriage is/was dissolved...in court and in Gods eyes.
It's your choice, but you can't fault us for feeling the way we do about you're handling of all parties involved. Some of us have been at this for almost a decade..and have felt all the same feelings that you have..plus more. Rebound relationships rarely turn out the way you expect them to. And you're left with even more hurt because you didn't wait to heal yourself.
I am glad that you've posted. It's good to know that you're okay, so we don't worry needlessly. I hope you take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I hope you reflect upon the past, the present and the future...and I hope your sense of reality is factual, and not just fantasy.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
