I only have a brief min to post. With regards to the bags - I personally would take them but on my terms and then follow through. So, you are helping her and not seen as unhelpful but you have some control so don't feel like a doormat. In other words - be reasonable.
I think in your sitch there is already too much anger; you don't need to exacerbate it.
So your points above - have you already said no? What have you said? (I am going out in about half an hour so can't reply after then) We can work out how to calm it down.
With regards to the children, have you worked it out officially or unofficially? You can say something like. 'I realise we are in the early stages of separation and working out the custody arrangements there are going to be some hitches along the way. How is it working for you?' Get her feedback - let her rant even. Then calmly say 'ok, well lets work out something we can both stick to consistently'. I get from you that she is taking the p a little at the moment with regards wanting you to babysit at the last min?? Is that correct?
I understand your wife is angry. I thought your goal was to establish some boundaries for yourself, so that you had respect for yourself.
But if your goal is to make sure your wife doesn't get angry with you, I would have given you different advice. Ofcourse she'll rant and rave and try to make you feel bad - that's just walk away script. They all say the same thing.
What are you so afraid of? That she'll divorce you if you don't take the bags to the dump - oh, wait - SHE'S ALREADY DIVORCING YOU.
You need to decide what to do for YOU and your CHILDREN. You come across as pleasing, insecure and timid - not attractive to women. I would start really trying to do all you can in regard to your children, women love seeing that type of interaction.
I'm sorry if I gave you bad advice, I thought you had different goals.
I understand your wife is angry. I thought your goal was to establish some boundaries for yourself, so that you had respect for yourself.
But if your goal is to make sure your wife doesn't get angry with you, I would have given you different advice. Ofcourse she'll rant and rave and try to make you feel bad - that's just walk away script. They all say the same thing.
What are you so afraid of? That she'll divorce you if you don't take the bags to the dump - oh, wait - SHE'S ALREADY DIVORCING YOU.
You need to decide what to do for YOU and your CHILDREN. You come across as pleasing, insecure and timid - not attractive to women. I would start really trying to do all you can in regard to your children, women love seeing that type of interaction.
I'm sorry if I gave you bad advice, I thought you had different goals.
I understand your wife is angry. I thought your goal was to establish some boundaries for yourself, so that you had respect for yourself.
But if your goal is to make sure your wife doesn't get angry with you, I would have given you different advice. Ofcourse she'll rant and rave and try to make you feel bad - that's just walk away script. They all say the same thing.
What are you so afraid of? That she'll divorce you if you don't take the bags to the dump - oh, wait - SHE'S ALREADY DIVORCING YOU.
You need to decide what to do for YOU and your CHILDREN. You come across as pleasing, insecure and timid - not attractive to women. I would start really trying to do all you can in regard to your children, women love seeing that type of interaction.
I'm sorry if I gave you bad advice, I thought you had different goals.
Good luck.
Mark,
What DavidsWife said. ^ You KNOW what to do (and not do); you're just not DOING it.
I actually told my wife earlier that I would be as co-operative as I can if it pertains to the children. I also said I understand you want me to take the bags but I do not agree with it. She went into a rant saying I was selfish and only concerned about myself, she said she 'so made the right decision about our relationship', her father thought I should have done more work in the garden late year before the bomb, basically more character assasination. I nearly buckled and said I would pick them up later but I didn't.
I did validate her in regards to the children. I did not ring them at all over the weekend which is wrong. She definately feels I am doing 'more of the same' - not caring enough about the children, and being selfish.
She said as I am currently out of work I would want to take the children to school and she should not have to suggest these things. I validated this and will address this with my children later today. She wants me to have the children to stay on Wednesday night, I know why but if it gives me quality time with my children then that will be good.
Did I handle the bag sitch correctly.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/27/0903:49 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
How does taking bags of trash to the dump have anything to do with the children?
As far as her rants, just tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way," and let it go.
This far into it, you shouldn't need advice for every time you breathe in and breathe out, you should be on to some of the tougher concepts. You're still struggling with even the basics, and seem to have no courage of your convictions, which I COMPLETELY understand, but you still, nevertheless, need to get beyond.
