Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

It sounds like she wants a separation from LIFE in general

Thanks MB. I think you're right (in fact, she said it many times recently and is paying HYPER close attention to my words. She takes great offense if I don't sound like I want to be friends or don't want a relationship with her - it's all about her in her world.)

Interesting Update:
We spoke this weekend twice. On Saturday night she wanted to talk about relationship things. She was basically sharing her life with me. I listened attentively as she told me she was very tired and needed a break from her life (wow MB :). She said she thought we could always be friends. I didn't really say much other than let's take it a day at a time. She brought up the baby etc.

The next day she was all over me to talk about the separation. She changed on the finances and wants to have a sep account for her school and living expenses. She will give back the credit cards and ATM card. Basically, she's leaving, taking a few pieces of furniture and some plates/spoons, etc. and the car.

One of her friends is a lawyer. She started to tell me about a "clause" she added and I ended the conversation. I told her right then and there that if she brings a lawyer into the conversation, ANY lawyer, that I will feel compelled to do the same.

We also agreed that we are both to remain faithful to each other during this. This is not about dating or that type of thing. This is about trying to figure out our marriage and our relationship.

When I was sharing some of my feelings with her, she told me to not lecture her. See below for my thoughts on that.

We went with a couple of friends to watch the hockey game last night. On the way down, she told me about her friend and how he got the dear john letter over the weekend. He's the lawyer. The running buddy. He's the one that told me that my wife reminds him so much of his own wife prior to the craziness. My wife told me several things I found interesting: She is having a really hard time taking on his issues. That's new. She did talk to him for 20 minutes and delayed talking to me about our relationship to do it. But she is trying to move away from him and was telling me that she thinks he lectures and repeats himself. She takes offense at the repeating. See my thoughts below on that. He called and told her that he came by the house for some things and found his wife in the hottub drinking champagne and listening to music. He was incensed. He's trying to use my wife as a crutch. He has for quite a while and she let him. She tries to help a lot of people but cannot help herself it seems. See below for my thoughts
When she mentioned that she thought his wife needed meds, I did point out that it is not the whole story. I know the two of them. I feel badly because I think that what has really happened is that it's him. She has been sad because of him and has finally given up waiting for him. They are both good people but that saddens me to see. There's a lot more of that, but it's not relevant.

During the conversation about the sep, wife also told me about the conversation we had the night before. She got a funny look on her face and was kind of awed that she feels good when she shares deep and intimate things with me.

One of the things that has fascinated me about my wife is how impatient she has gotten with my son. She says he is just like me and repeats himself (lectures) to her. Hmm... This morning I think I figured out something. I think what I'm seeing is something that I have put up with for so many years and although I've never liked it, I've accepted it. I think that is something I really don't want to accept in the future. That is that my wife is a horrible listener. She hears everything. She is a horrible listener. She doesn't give people the feeling that they have been heard. She can. She does not very often and then gets frustrated when people say things again. She truly gets offended by it as if they are insulting her by not thinking that she remembers or heard. Very one-sided. I realized this morning that is what I am really missing. Her listening. She hasn't in sooooooo long. My father thinks I may be masochistic. I'm not. He says that because I have mentioned that I really have liked the open communication. I realize now that's because I've missed it so much.
Something that has to happen for us is that we learn to have that intimate conversation. It's been more than a year since we've had it. Long before the nephew.

I honestly think that we have a chance. I think that this is her way of changing from what she was to what she is becoming. She has so much on her plate that I think she has not been able to process it and thinks that by leaving the house (i.e. life in general) that she'll be able to process it. I know that it won't be that easy but it's what she's thinking regarding that that is important for her.

She plans move out just ahead of Mother's day. This was interesting to me, but she's in a hurry and has too many other things going on that would prevent her from getting out after that. Can't before because of other commitments. The kids won't be happy I'm sure.

Still much to do, but I'm shifting into the mode of figuring out what I want. I'm not going to pay much attention to what she wants once she leaves. I can't. She has to determine that and then communicate it. I do know that I need someone that makes me feel needed in some way and somebody that makes me feel like she listens. Better listening skills are going to be important I think.

Time to work on me a lot more. I'll infrequently be back.

AJ