Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Today was another great day. That makes 4 days in a row that I've been happy. THAT is miraculous for me.

Today I went to my Sunday School class to lead my group of 3rd graders and it was very uplifting and healing to be around such you and energy. D8 didn't make it to church today, but I didn't take that on as something I needed to address with XW. I did end up seeing XW to pick up my children for an afternoon of fun. XW began trying to dictate exactly what time to bring our children back and I simply looked at her and said deadpan, "Uh, no, that doesn't work for me. I'll be here at X." I left it at that, even though I knew I'd bring them back around the time XW asked me to bring them. Since I was responding to XW deadpan and w/o reacting, she started acting out even more. She asked me for the key back to her house, and I quickly took it off of my key ring and walked it over to her. As I was handing it to her, I told her, "I can always gauge how pissed off you are at me by the status of 'the key.' Either I have it or I don't. All depends on your mood in the moment. I said this deadpan also. No emotion. I just laid it in her hand and she looked at me in a puzzled way. I simply turned and gathered up my children to leave. She even made a remark about being a full-time mom (because of my circumstnaces). I had given XW's sister (N) a Mother's Day card to give to D8, so that she could fill it out for herself and S3 to give to XW on Mother's Day. Today, I found out that D8 hadn't received it yet. After I dropped off my children to XW at XMiL's house, I called XW's sister to remind her to give the card to D8. XW answered the phone:

XW: Hello
ME: What are you doing answering N's phone?
XW: Why are you calling N?
ME: I'm calling her to discuss something that I don't want to discuss with you. May I please speak with her?
<I hear XW calling N to her phone>
N : <distant sound> Oh, I know what it's about.
ME: Hey N, if you would just take care of that, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
N : No problem.

I don't let XW's shenanigans bother me any more. I find it hilarious that she's so hell bent on trying to run interference to keep me from trying to win over (XW's words) her family to my side. XW is truly incensed that her family doesn't hate my guts. It really bothers her that both her mother and her sister invite me to attend gatherings because XW believes they shouldn't. XW recently told me that it's not fair that her family treats me well and my family doesn't treat her the same. I didn't say anything, but THAT statement shows that she really doesn't own any of the sh*t she does. XW's behavior is the reason my family doesn't extend themselves to her. She's not welcomed because of nearly 10 years to consistently poor behavior.

I sooooo look forward to getting my circumstances straightened out for the stability it bring to my children's and my life. I am curious as to what XW will bitch and poke at me about when I am settled again soon. Nope, scratch that...I'm not curious. I really don't give a s--t! Every day, I get stronger in making decision based on what I want and what is best for my children. XW has rapidly become an afterthought, as my friend Doug said she needs to be. I am not only making those decisions, which is HUGE for me, but I am not feeling any negative feelings about what her possible reaction might be because I've simply reached a place in my life where, as long as I'm not purposely doing anything jerky to her, I don't care what her reaction. To use XW's phrase, "That's her s--t, not mine."

I AM a good man. I affirm this statement from my good friend:

I release myself from expectations that don't serve me well, and historical behavior that I no longer choose. Today is a brand new day. New thoughts, new friends, new life.

I'm choosing everyday to arrange my mind in the right way...to be happy, to behave in accordance with who I already AM, a strong, loving, authentic man of God. Growth will always be with me. Healing continues at a brisk pace.