Divorce looming #11

[K4D]

If yall have any any questions going forward, I am staying in touch with Jaguilar.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Kevin,

I really hope this isn't the end for you because you mention about how your W doesn't believe in DBing.

Well the truth is YOU don't believe in DBing. YOu came here with absolutely nothing and it was only through the advice and commitment of the people on these boards who have helped to push you into the right direction.

YOU are the only one who can't see that you've made any progress in your sitch. We all have seen it except for you.

YOU haven't even begun to DB. Let's face it. You've only been at this for 5 months. And during that whole time you expected immediate changes when you yourself didn't change that much. But we saw how you could succeed and pushed you. We helped you to go back and see your girls once more. Especially 25mlc. And you say we can call you a "failure". Please!

No one has ever called you that and never will! You just refuse to see all the positive changes that have been done so far and remain to stay on the pity party. By saying what you just did isn't fair to those of us who believed in you and had and continue to have faith in you. It's selfish and mean-spirited.

I really hope this isn't the last 2x4 you're going to accept Kevin and that you hang in there.

We've all been where you are. Everyone of us.

[K4D]

I didn't mean to hurt anyone Stuck or down play anything anyone has said. I feel like I have let all of you down because you all have worked so hard to help me. I feel personally like I have failed. I have seen no change in my W. I have been at this for 8 months and I don't want to to continue to ask you all for advce any longer when I have not been able to apply it and be patient.

I think I am just really frusturated and never I never learned to grow as a man because I was never forced to before. I'm 34 and I am an ebarrasement to my age. My W reminds me of that in many different ways. I think I drank so much in my 20s that my mind never really matured in my 30s like it shoud have.

Thanks bro, I will keep reading your posts and hoping you succeed.

I think I am just done dude. I think I failed miserably because I couldn't just stick to something. I fell off so many times and I feel like there is no hope now. And I feel like it is all my doing. Its nothing you all did. Its everything I did. I failed myself and everyone else. All I want is my W back and its the one thing I can't seem to get back.

I would do anything to have her back. And it doesn't matter. I'm not mature. I should be and I never did mature. I don't know why. I don't know if it was the drinking that held me back or if it was something else, but my mind never matured.

And now I feel constantly over whelmed by everything. Things I shouldn't be I do. I feel like my mind is not sharp anymore. My W has even pointed that out to me that she thinks I am not as smart as I used to be. She thinks the drinking over the years has damaged me and I feel like it has to. I try to focus and I can't seem to retain anything anymore.

I just have to work things out on my own. Nobody can do it for me. And you all have to me that. I just need to do that now. So I am going to take some time to do that. I can't keep coming back here for advice and not applying it. I am wasting everybodies time by doing that.

I need some time off to figure me out. It is nothing personal. Its just that I have to do it for me. I am tired of wasting people's time.

Thanks for everything,

Kevin

[MrNiceGuy]

You beat yourself up a lot, and counseling and meds may help with that. It is NEVER too late to start maturing, growing, and implementing 180s... and there are plenty examples of 34 year old men living at their mom's house. Give yourself SOME credit, dude!

SUGGESTION: If what you've done in the past 8 months isn't working, do a 180. Forget the 'grand scheme' and long term goals for now. Start with one change or "micro goal" and focus on just the one until you accomplish that one. Keep the first one so small that you'll reach it in 24 hours, and do it. If you fail, start over on that ONE and do it.


.

[MrBond]

Let's face it. You've been here for 8 months. Try looking at how long 25MLC has been at it or the other people who have made it. Look how long it's taken them.

Geez. There are two things you need the most right now. Patience and Prayer.

You know why you're all over the place? It's because you haven't done the one thing that everyone here and the DB and DR books all recommend and that is to write out a list of goals. And I mean concrete ones. I think for you, you need to make them as micro as possible as MNG described.

You say you don't see any positives. Do you really want us to count off how well you are off now than you were when you first came to these boards? You were leaving your home. No job, no career, obsessed about the OM, your W treated you like crap and you said your IL and everyone else in the world hated/disrespected you.

Since then, you've gone back home. Found a job. Your W is talking to you more civilly. You get to see your girls. Your IL are much nicer to you.

Do you really want us to say you're a failure when you really haven't? Try asking someone else on the boards who have been at this for over 5 years without one single bit of improvement, yet still maintains optimism.

Talk to a real professional and get your head out of the pity train you're riding on right now. We all see how your sitch has gotten better, but for some reason, you can't. Or when things do get better, you get something else to gripe about.

Write down your goals. Check them off whenever they are achieved. Then after you've accomplished them, write new ones. It's as simple as that.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

[K4D]

I had a lady friend over and her lady friend last night when my MIL brought by daughters home. MIL looked upset. We weren't doing anything other than watching the Yankees/Red Sox game on tv. So I called W to say she would probably be getting a phone call from her mom about it and that nothing was going on between me and the ladies.

I also started drinking last night after 8 months of this. I totally blew it. I just found myself not caring anymore. I'm just being honest. I had major set backs last night all because I did not show self discipline and got frusturated.

So I took major steps backwards last night in a few areas. Today I am getting my feet back going forward. Believe me, its not easy to post this after my screw up last night. But I have to.

Its storming outside this morning. We just had some close lightning and thunder hit. My dog is going nuts about it.

I'm sure W is probably wondering why I bothered to call her last night.

geez, the setbacks I had last night. UGGGG.............

I was stupid. I let frusturation get the best of me and I so blew it.

Kevin

[K4D]

Yes, I drank last night. More than I should have. I am so disapointed in myself for drinking last night. The setbacks that probably caused are unreal.

Geez. So I will move forward and try even harder. You have no idea how much I am beating myself up this morning. I was making headway with the family yesterday and I blew it by having those lady friends over when the kids got back. UGGGGGG.

Kevin

[K4D]

I am so nervouse about how tonite is going to go. W gets back this morning.

I can't believe I drank last night and had those lady friends in the house when MIL showed up with the kids. Hoq do I recover from this one?

W doesn't know I drank. But since I called her to explain the ladies... Uggg...

What an idiot I was.

Oh man. I am doomed I feel.

Kevin

[K4D]

Even worse... I told my wife I love her as I was getting off the phone with her last night.

Nice one.

Kevin

[mindfull]

Kevin... Not sure if I ever posted to you before, but...

Do something...

Go back and re-read your posts AS IF you are an adult female. Do you SOUND like someone interesting to be around, is confident, a decision maker, a protector, etc...??? No, you sound like a train wreck!

Now, we ALL sound like train wreck's at some point, and I do realize this is a place to share/journal/complain, etc... BUT, at some point, you'll WANT to be a man WOMEN want!

So, if I get this right, you stayed at "the house" with the kids for the weekend, while W is away with OM (?), do some great things by engaging with your kids, and then INVITE OTHER WOMEN (no matter how good of friends they are) over WHILE you're with the kids, and then have too much to drink? And, you KNEW the in-laws would be dropping back off the kids? Wow.

Save the WOMEN FRIENDS AND DRINKING for times without the kids.

Seriously.

Take that new job (OK, NOT PERFECT, BUT EMPLOYMENT), and do the best damn job of it you can! SHOW your employers how GOOD YOU ARE! Who knows? Maybe there are other, better things you can do there? (MAYBE NOT SPEND THEIR TIME ON DB.COM?) In your free time, pursue what it is you DREAM of doing!

Take your down time, and better yourself through exercise, relaxation, social activities, church, etc...

I'm here to tell you, as a female,
#1 - Be a man.
#2 - Be a father.
#3 - Probably not a good idea to mix the being a SINGLE/BACHELOR man lifestyle with being a father.

You can do this! REally!