Still getting nowhere fast....

[Purple]

I agree with Breakaway (hi Breakaway!!). Tell your sister to "chicken out".

U can do it.

[breakaway]

hi Purple!!

Agreed. I wouldn't confront him about what you know, or let on in any way that your sister set him up to make those text messages.

[lost-n-Iowa]

I understand what you are saying about my sister 'chickening out'. But how do I file for divorce, get a protection order, and when he asks me why I want a divorce, just say becuase.....

I want him to know that he did not keep this a secret liek he thought that he could. I want him to know that because of his sexually addictive ways and the things that I have found out about him is the reason why he is losing his marriage. I don't want him to think that I jsut decided that I did not want to make this marriage work anymore. I want him to know that he is the one that messed this up not me. I want him to see how he has hurt me because of HIM!!

Maybe I am thinking with my heart and my emotions and not with my head right now but I don't want to take any of the blame for what he has been doing. He should be told that he is not as great has he thinks, that he is not in as much control as he believes. If I can tell him this things how am I to get past it. Get closure on this. I would always feel like he would think that he got away with these behaviors and that I was stupid and never knew what he was doing.

I know that it may be playing with fire but I can only pray that he will be the only one to get burnt.

I will think about your advise. I think that I have until Wednesday before they serve him with divorce papers. I will seriously consider what you all have said.

By the way, my sister never had any plans on setting this up with him. She plans on ignoring him if he text her. She thinks he is disgusting for what he has done to me and she agrees with me that my H has a sexual addiction problem. She does not have to worry about chickening out since it was never going to get set up in the first place.

[Dudess]

I understand what you are saying about my sister 'chickening out'. But how do I file for divorce, get a protection order, and when he asks me why I want a divorce, just say becuase.....

If you have a protection order, it will probably order that he has no contact with you whatsoever. If that is the case, you shouldn't explain anything to someone who is contacting you in violation of a court order.

Even if that is not the case, you don't have to explain anything to him. Even if you did, do you suppose he would say, 'Oh, I understand now'? More likely you would experience further abuse if you attempt to explain.

I want him to know that he did not keep this a secret liek he thought that he could. I want him to know that because of his sexually addictive ways and the things that I have found out about him is the reason why he is losing his marriage. I don't want him to think that I jsut decided that I did not want to make this marriage work anymore. I want him to know that he is the one that messed this up not me. I want him to see how he has hurt me because of HIM!!

If you must tell him, wait until you are safely away from him and divorced. Right now, what he doesn't know can be an asset to you in case he reveals anything further to your sister that is useful to you.

Maybe I am thinking with my heart and my emotions and not with my head right now but I don't want to take any of the blame for what he has been doing.

It would be almost impossible not to be emotional in your situation, but yes, use your head and make the choices that get you safely out of there first and foremost.

You don't deserve any blame for what he has been doing so don't blame yourself even if other people try to lay that on you.

He should be told that he is not as great has he thinks, that he is not in as much control as he believes.

Divorcing him says it more eloquently than words ever could.

If I can tell him this things how am I to get past it. Get closure on this. I would always feel like he would think that he got away with these behaviors and that I was stupid and never knew what he was doing.

I know that it may be playing with fire but I can only pray that he will be the only one to get burnt.

You can decide later whether it is in your best interest to tell him anything. It's not a decision you need to make right now.

Yes, you would be playing with fire to get in to it now.

[Bridgestone]

Hi Lost,

Ditto to everything Dudess said.

I personally think you have been given some excellent advice here on how to proceed... cautiously, carefully..

I hope you have a safety plan in place for a while after he is served. While you may have a restraining order.. it's just a piece of paper & doesn't do a darn thing to really keep him away from you if he really wants to get to you. It just gives the cops something else to charge him with once he's arrested for other things. I certainly hope & pray it doesn't come to that.

Don't expect that to 'protect' you.. normal people would respect a restraining order.. given all you've posted about your H's behaviours.. I wouldn't expect him to give a flying F.. about a piece of paper.

Your safety and that of your daughter's need to have the upmost top priority.. 'explaining' to him is not in that picture.

Keep us posted as this week unwinds for you. We're here to be supportive.

Bridge

[lost-n-Iowa]

hello everyone...

I filed all the papers today and was granted a temporary protective order from my H. This order included my sister and my girls. I feel better having it but like you said Bridgestone, a piece of paper is really not much of protection. I understand that the paper doesn't help like bullet proofing your house but it's is a start.

Unfortuantly the papers have not been served to my H yet so I am still waiting for that to happen. I kept watching out the window tonight for the sheriff's car to pull up but it never did. I now am still waiting for it to happen. Hopefully it will tomorrow.

I have a saftey plan in the works and have several places to go that he would not be able to find me. I have extra clothes for me and the girls and extra money too. One good thing is that after the divorce that was suppose to happen last year, my H and I never put each other's names back on each other's accounts at the bank. I can't get into his and he can't get into mine. I just want the papers served so that I can get to the next part of this crazy chapter in my life.

I was at my lawyer's office today when my sister texted me to forward a message on from my H to her. He wanted to know what she was doing. She said school. He asked if they could talk when she was out. She said k but never texted him back when she got out. At 9:30 tonight while I am sitting downstairs watching TV and he is upstairs watching TV, my sister texted me to tell me that he had texted her and she wanted to know where I was and if I was okay. I told her where I was and asked her what was going on and she said that my H had asked her if she was busy. She never answered him. He then came downstairs to see what I was doing so I was unable to texted back to my sister at the time. He sat down to watch TV too and asked when I was going to come to bed so that he could cuddle with me. I said I wasn't tired yet. He got upset and walked back upstairs.

I just keep thinking what a sick man he is. Here he is texting her still and when she doesn't answer him then he goes for the next piece of ass that he thinks he is going to get. I looked up what the definition of a sex addict was and my H has 8 out of the 11 symptoms that they had listed. I could not answer some of it for him and could only hope that he would answer no to picking up prositutes or paying for sexual favors on many occasions. I shudder to think what he has done and what he may have given me by way of an STD. I have appointment to get checked.

I do not blame myself for this. I know that what he is doing is not my fault and that I could not have done anything that would have made things any better. I truely believe that even if I had stooped to the level of sexual things that my H wanted me to do with him just so that I could keep him happy and my marriage good for him...it would not have ever been enough. He would have always wanted more. I have done my part for making this marriage work and now I am working even harder to make this marriage come to a screeching halt.

you are right, that even if I was to let him know what I know, that it would not really change anything. He is not going to suddenly say, 'Oh, I understand how a marriage is suppose to work now...so that is what those vows I took in the church REALLY meant?" I don't expect that. I just want him to know that I know what HE truely IS. I guess I will just have to play it by ear if I am going to say anything to him at all. Like you said, I may not get the chance if they serve him while I am not here and he has to be gone before I return.

I will keep you posted as things progress. This is a great place for me to come to and get multiple people outlooks on my situation that is not 'emotional' attached to it. I apprecieate everyone who has posted and will keep posting. Thanks to you I feel like I have lots of shoulders to lean on in this hard time.

[lost-n-Iowa]

It's done. He has been served and was asked to leave due to the protective order. I feel as if a little of the weight is gone since I am not lying to his face everyday. It has been a very hard last three days whiling I had to sit and wait for this to happen. I am still on the defense about it all though. I have locked all doors and windows and have pulled all curtains closed. Plus I have locked vehicles and pulled keys from lawnmower and 4wheeler. I feel better but not exactly safe. I have been able to count his guns and as far as I know about what he has they are all here.

I did not get to say a word to him. I did not get to tell him why I was doing it. The cop had to get him out of the barn so I was far away when it happened. I did not hear a word of what was being said. All I seen was my H kept looking at me, sitting in my car where the cop told me to stay, and he had a look of shock, amasement, not understanding what was happening. I don't know if he knows or not, maybe he has figured it out by now but I will not know. Yet at least. The cop asked me to leave the property while my H got some of his clothes and left. My H had told the cop that he felt intimidated by me being there. WTF that means!!!! I left the for a bit and went down the road until the cop and my H left then I came back home to see what was taken. As far as I can tell, he only took his laptop and very few clothes. The cop told me later when he talked to me that my H wants to be able to get more clothes later and that they would get ahold of me when my H could come over to get that stuff.

That's about it. I am really low tonight and feel very depressed about all of this. My life is about to change and I am scared since I don't know where I will end up with my girls. I told them, by the way, that my H had been called away for some emergency at work and that he was sorry that he could not say goodbye to them. They seemed to accept that without any problems. The youngest asked if he had been hurt, I said no, and then she asked if someone else had been and i said no again that he just needed to go so that he could fix something. After that the talked changed to what I had set them up with doing with another girl scout leader for the afternoon (while my H was being served so that they would not be around).

I think I will go cry myself to sleep in my pillow.

[Purple]

Big hugs chicky.

First step taken.

you've already been through a separation with him before. You have tried, you have now decided that enough is enough....strength to you. You know it didn't work out last time (hindsight is 20:20). This is your chance for a do-over.

Hugs.

[Bridgestone]

Hi,
That had to be very scary.. I can understand why you're hurt & crying into your pillow. It will get better.

I will keep you & your girls in my prayers.
(hugs)
Bridge

[Purple]

How's it going Lost?