It's all ablazin'....

[Startingover2]

Is there anyone else that can do the K exchange besides you? He doesn't need to be that way. YOU didn't screw up his life...he did. Yes, all of the kid going back and forth is a pain the a** and you still have a good 17 years left. He just doesn't like the work of it all.

[Forrest Gump]

"So, I am trying really hard to be strong and not let him know they hurt me. Maybe that way, he'll stop if he's not getting the reaction he wants. But, I did show him that it hurt because I tried to make him feel bad too, by reminding him of all the crappy stuff he's done to me."

Why.. do you have to show him you are strong?

From what you have told us.. he saw it all along.

The simple fact is.. he liked the strong woman.

And yet now.. she is hard to find here.

Now the strong woman resembles a D/Single "woman" with kids.

I think we have proven that you pointing out the "failings" is just not gonna work.

"I told him that I couldn't understand why he continued to be so cruel to me even after everything he has put me through and I have continued to be kind and respectful to him."

Now.. any time a woman throws "respect" into a conversation.. my ears perk up. Define how you are being "respectful" right now.

Yes.. I am hoping to stir some Emotion in you right now.

Let me have it!!

"His Mom thinks I should kill him with kindness, but that doesn't work on him."

Hmmm.. More of the same?

"The only way to keep him from hurting me is to cut him out of my life."

This is just not true. And you know it.

"I told him that I forgive him for the things he has done. But, that I can't forgive the way he keeps continuing to hurt me and that is why he is minimally in my life as much as possible."

So.. you do.. but you don't.

It is all related.

[Startingover2]

Try and stop convincing him of his wrongdoings. I know its so tempting and I have bitten my tongue clear off. He knows and being defensive and mean is his way of dealing with it.

Your happiness is the best revenge. Keep telling yourself that.

[blindsided1]

Just another day. Feeling tired this am. K is cutting some teeth and she's keeping me up half the night. Hope everyone is well.

[Sugar and Spice]

Maybe a good way to try and deal with him is like you would a spoiled child. Tell them once and then not again. Trying to convince him, being kind, respectful, etc...doesn't work. This is a cheeseless tunnel, try something else. He continues to hurt you because he can and if he can vent his feelings on you, then he won't have to do it w/ OW or her kids. If you want to stop him hurting you, treat him like you would someone you are doing business with...make your exchanges with him about business. K is your reason to have any interaction with him at all, that is the business at hand, so treat it as such. If you can cut out all of the personal feelings (easier said than done, I know) and treat it as a purely non-emotional transaction, then he will no longer have any power over you and will have to vent those feelings elsewhere.

Please know I am not saying that you should treat K like "business", just the interactions with H about her. Its really hard and he will try to suck you back in, but give it a shot because the contact you have now only benefits him. He gets to be anyway he wants and its ususally at your expense. If you take away that aspect of it (emotion) then he has no power over you. Just my $.02.

[blindsided1]

FG - I don't have to show him I'm strong. He knows I am and I think he's starting to feel me pick my a$$ back up off the ground. I may not be up completely, but that's where I'm headed.
As far as the respect goes....I think I have been pretty good to him....I try to respect him as a father and I try really hard NOT to tell him how to parent or when he throws K up in the air...I try not to flinch (even though I still do). I "think" I'm giving him respect. But, maybe not. And, yes the word....was purposely picked...."respect" means a lot to him.

I think that he is getting meaner. Most likely because of the money situation and knowing I am going to make it worse for him once he has to pay her CS. Of course, that is why he hates me. My fault. Always my fault.

[blindsided1]

Sugar - good advice. I know that would be the best way to handle the sitch. I just get sucked in every time. But, I am getting much better at walking away instead of defending myself. One of these days....he'll have no affect on my. Praying it comes soon.

[Forrest Gump]

"I don't have to show him I'm strong."

Well then why do you keep telling him you are.. or why do you keep taking "a stand" with him? If you went back a few years would you be acting/reacting the way you are now? Or would you be doing something different? Yes.. I know you have a kid together but that is not "free reign" for you to react differently. To add to that thought....

"Maybe a good way to try and deal with him is like you would a spoiled child. Tell them once and then not again. Trying to convince him, being kind, respectful, etc...doesn't work. This is a cheeseless tunnel, try something else."

IMO you start down the "cheeseless tunnel" the second you start pointing it out. There comes a time where picking your battles becomes more important then stating your case. At the very least you will not be fighting with him.. or getting any feedback from him. Which could be good... for you.

"But, maybe not. And, yes the word....was purposely picked...."respect" means a lot to him."

It is important to most if not all men. I think his idea of "respect" is a bit skewed at the moment. At the same time I think you are showing him "disrespect". I say this because I have watched him feed off of it in a few of your interactions. Again from my POV the best thing you could do to show some respect is just not "say" anything. This is a complex topic and I don't want you to think I am putting you down or anything. Just there are times you really need to look at the whole situation and see if you will move forward or backward with pointing things out. Maybe if I get some time tonight I will go into this some more.

"I think that he is getting meaner."

This is completely expected.

"My fault. Always my fault."

You know better than that. The second you start believing it.. the better off you will be.

[blindsided1]

FG - I was thinking a lot about what you said. I agree...the best thing for me to do is keep my mouth shut. Sometimes it is hard...as in the case of the car seat. That is my daughter's safety we are talking about. How do I keep my mouth shut when I know he is risking her safety just to gain a point on my (by not doing what I ask). That is where it is hard. But, I can't MAKE him do the right thing. And, yes...it is disrespectful that I treat him (sometimes)like he doesn't know how to take care of her. But, that is just me...I would do that with anyone. Being her Mother....sometimes I feel (unjustified) that I am the one who cares for her best.

So, tell me....I should just keep my mouth shut. Don't sweat the small stuff. Act like he is perfectly capable of caring for her. Don't fall into his trap. And, if he calls me a name....just ignore it and walk away...don't take the bait?????

Also, can someone tell me why he is getting meaner? I don't understand it. I am not mean to him. So, why? Is it because I am the easiest one to direct his anger at?

[blindsided1]

Oh, yah. As I was telling SO2...I recently found out that my H had oral sex with a friend of mine right after he moved out. She is the wife of a very good friend of mine and I feel awful that I know. I can't tell him. I would never want to hurt him. But, it sucks being in that position. But, what is even more sad...is that when I found out....it didn't really hurt. I don't really care that it was my H and my friend. I think this is how I know....it's over!!