My third thread got locked, so this is a continuation and an update. This parent thread is a repeat / summary and should be familiar to anyone who has been following my sitch. If you have been following along, just skip this post. I'll post a more immediate update as the first child thread.
My W and I have been married for 10 years and, although I was clueless until last November, the warning signs were there for a long time.
During the early years of our M, I was over-focused on work and did not really understand the support that my W needed or how she needed me to return her love. She avoids conflict and never really said anything, although in retrospect I can see that she made a number of attempts to improve things. I can also now see (hindsight is 20/20) that she began withdrawing a couple of years ago. I felt her withdraw, got pulled into the vacuum and without realizing it became the unwitting pursuer.
This all came to a head when I discovered an EA and she dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb just before Thanksgiving, 2008. I went into heavy (but naturally ineffective) full pursuit from then until Christmas time when I discovered DB.
Since then we have been through cycles of my detaching and GALing (and then sometimes backsliding) and her agreeing to end and then restarting the EA - and then finally ending the EA. We are still living together, working closely together to raise our kids, and sleeping in the same bed (No ML or physical contact), and all of this has made it difficult for me to detach.
The largest backslide happened when my MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My W immediately pulled away and things got worse.
I have had to keep reminding myself that: in her mind the M has been dead for a long time, She was convinced that a long term M to me meant only more "abandonment" from me and that she can never again be in love with me. She badly wants the passion and excitement that she believed would come from a new R where there is "true love", and is really only staying around right now because of the kids and because a D would be unpleasant (she shies away from conflict and change).
I have been doing pretty well in the GAL area: Lost weight and am back to where I was 10 years ago, working out 4 times a week, back in touch with friends, started a monthly Guys night out, buying my own clothes, learning to play the guitar, reading a bunch of self-help books and working on my inner demons, etc. It actually feels pretty good. I feel a lot better and have regained a lot of the self confidence I lost over the past couple of years.
My W sees all of the changes that I have made and has no issues with them, but is very confused and afraid.
My mantra recently has become "Time and Space, Space and Time" - on the hope that my DBing will slow down her decision making process enough for her to see that the changes are real.
We have been in and out of MC, and recently started it up again - and now are finally showing real signs of success. My W is opening up again, and I have now learned enough and am self-confident enough not to try to correct or argue with her views on our past.
Recently, My W has been showing lots of small signs that she is not leaving the M, and is interested in being with me - signs that leave me carefully optimistic.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
