Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[Thinker]

Hi All,

My third thread got locked, so this is a continuation and an update. This parent thread is a repeat / summary and should be familiar to anyone who has been following my sitch. If you have been following along, just skip this post. I'll post a more immediate update as the first child thread.

My third and most recent (Locked) thread is here:
Over the Shock and GALing 2 Over the Shock and GALing 2

A brief update on my Sitch:

My W and I have been married for 10 years and, although I was clueless until last November, the warning signs were there for a long time.

During the early years of our M, I was over-focused on work and did not really understand the support that my W needed or how she needed me to return her love. She avoids conflict and never really said anything, although in retrospect I can see that she made a number of attempts to improve things. I can also now see (hindsight is 20/20) that she began withdrawing a couple of years ago. I felt her withdraw, got pulled into the vacuum and without realizing it became the unwitting pursuer.

This all came to a head when I discovered an EA and she dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb just before Thanksgiving, 2008. I went into heavy (but naturally ineffective) full pursuit from then until Christmas time when I discovered DB.

Since then we have been through cycles of my detaching and GALing (and then sometimes backsliding) and her agreeing to end and then restarting the EA - and then finally ending the EA. We are still living together, working closely together to raise our kids, and sleeping in the same bed (No ML or physical contact), and all of this has made it difficult for me to detach.

The largest backslide happened when my MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My W immediately pulled away and things got worse.

I have had to keep reminding myself that: in her mind the M has been dead for a long time, She was convinced that a long term M to me meant only more "abandonment" from me and that she can never again be in love with me. She badly wants the passion and excitement that she believed would come from a new R where there is "true love", and is really only staying around right now because of the kids and because a D would be unpleasant (she shies away from conflict and change).

I have been doing pretty well in the GAL area: Lost weight and am back to where I was 10 years ago, working out 4 times a week, back in touch with friends, started a monthly Guys night out, buying my own clothes, learning to play the guitar, reading a bunch of self-help books and working on my inner demons, etc. It actually feels pretty good. I feel a lot better and have regained a lot of the self confidence I lost over the past couple of years.

My W sees all of the changes that I have made and has no issues with them, but is very confused and afraid.

My mantra recently has become "Time and Space, Space and Time" - on the hope that my DBing will slow down her decision making process enough for her to see that the changes are real.

We have been in and out of MC, and recently started it up again - and now are finally showing real signs of success. My W is opening up again, and I have now learned enough and am self-confident enough not to try to correct or argue with her views on our past.

Recently, My W has been showing lots of small signs that she is not leaving the M, and is interested in being with me - signs that leave me carefully optimistic.

[Thinker]

It's been a few days since I posted - and a new thread to boot.

If you've been following along, I feel there was a bit of a breakthrough last week in MC. My W really opened up in MC and, although in many ways what she said was "I don't see much hope" what she was really saying was "I have seen all of the positive changes, and am confused about them and don't trust them"

Also, while in MC she was saying "I don't feel any connection", her actions immediately saying that she did.

Since then, it has been light and fun. I have been spending a ton of time with our our boys and with her together as a family (when she was not working), with beautiful weather, no stress, and no R talk at all.

Then, today, what is in my mind a very big step...my W surprised me and initiated ML. It has been months without any of that, and she has not initiated since well before the bomb.

I don't want to get too optimistic and scare her away, but I am hopeful...

...and it was a great day!

[Thinker]

...and now the backlash.

Today my W is quiet and distant - and crying a bit. Claims something in the air is bothering her...

I tried to liven and lighten things up a bit, but got only a "stop it!" so I left, still smiling.

Now hiding in my office...pretending to work.

[Thinker]

...and now the backlash.

Today my W is quiet and distant - and crying a bit. Claims something in the air is bothering her...

I tried to liven and lighten things up a bit, but got only a "stop it!" so I left, still smiling.

Now hiding in my office...pretending to work.

And now that I am tucked away in my office with the door closed, and the AC on drowning out any noise, she comes in just to tell me funny that S1 did.

Up - Down - Up

Anyway, I am also wondering if I should move my thread to Piecing. I've been here 4 months now (still a newcomer?) and things seem to have stabilized (W no longer talking about D, OM gone (?)), and sometimes things even seem to be improving...

I know it is really a moot semantic point, but how do you know when you are in "piecing" anyway?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

WTH?? She MLs, and then pulls away the next day? What is she, a GUY???

[DanceQueen]

Wow Puppy...are you ok? I mean, this isn't that unusual for a WAS to do (ML then pull away). Does it really need the slap-in-the-face remark to Thinker? Maybe I missed something.

DQ

[Thinker]

I think I understood it as the wisecrack it was meant to be.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep -- soitenly. Just trying to lighten things up a bit!

[Thinker]

Humor is appreciated - thanks!

[Thinker]

Still friendly and a bit distant.

I have been trying to work out my W's Love Language(s) - trying various things to see which get's a reaction. Also trying to remember what used to work and what sort of things she used to do for me to get an idea. So far no real luck. I think that currently things are / have been emotionally confused so that her real LL's have been obscured. ie, it may be gifts, but she does not react positively to gifts FROM ME right now.

I took a chance while we were eating lunch and asked her if she would take the LL test. She responded as I would have predicted: rolling her eyes, looking generally disgusted, and asking if this was "something I got out of a book". She then agreed to take it.

I followed up after lunch by emailing her a link to the test:

(Note: there are several websites that have turned the test from the book into an online self-calculating test. I found them through google. Here is a link to one: http://edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage )

I am struggling a bit with my W's strong aversion to R books. This aversion is not a new, post bomb thing. When we were in MC several years ago, she got strongly critical of me when I read an R book - snidely questioning "You have to read books to learn how to be in an R?" Now, especially, she reacts negatively any time she sees me reading a self-help or R book - possibly interprets it as pressure on her? I don't parade them in front of her, and have not asked her to read one since shortly after the bomb, but still, that is how I learn and grow - i need the structure that the books provide. I also think that she would benefit from it as well, but...

I am also struggling (again) with how to act when I am with my W. Are we together or not? Are we physically affectionate (hugs, etc) or not? Are we flirty or not? Are we sexual or not?
Sometimes she acts positively to these things, sometimes she recoils.

I, myself - well I just want to smother her in affection, but that's just me...

...I'm not. I'm restraining myself.