Thanks gabby, it's good to see I'm not the only "crazy" one out there hanging out with the ex I think right now I'm able to see STBX as she is rather than what I would like her to be. We're not together but we still are in the sense that we have a family together. STBX is still seeing OP and that's up to her. I too feel a void, as you described, and it's probably a very natural thing. I think often people in our sitches look to fill that void quickly to avoid that empty feeling inside. I know I sure looked for female validation in the first year, not a R but validation. Now I don't know where I'm at but that's OK too. Maybe this is what the Lord wants me to experience and it'll make me a better man in the long run. Btw, this was Hot Yoga night and I had to pass due to a political party meeting tonight. STBX just called to ask if I'd like to go another night this week together. It's nice to see her reach out for my company, that's what friends should do. On the weekend we spent Saturday afternoon together in discussion with our teenage daughter over money matters and the next day we went to our other D's gymnastics meet together. We actually talk together now and after so many years of virtually no communication on her part that's kind of nice! What is is and, as I've said before, she will have to face the Lord with what she has done and explain it to Him, I'll leave in His hands. My job as a Christian and a parent is to be as forgiving as I can be (without being stupid!) and work towards something positive and that's what I'm doing, just as you are in your sitch. Thanks for your input Please pray that I'll survive another night of Hot Yoga, the odds aren't in my favour!
I was looking for NOTHING, resigning that I'd spend perhaps the rest of my life alone and Gym Woman fell out of the sky. You never know what will happen, even if your're NOT looking.
What on earth did I think about before this bomb blew up?
Here, here! I have NO idea, anymore! I think it was more about others, kids, work, school...I thought my R was a given. That was foolish, in retrospect.
Wii, I wonder how you have that R with your stbx...I guess the trick is in not wanting them back, and in seeing them for what they ARE rather than in what we think they could be. It hurts me when X is nice. Makes me miss him, long for what could have been. And of course, it hurts me when he isn't nice.
Oh, how I wish I could be as accepting, as understanding and strong as you are. And I think that, because I am not, that I doomed any chance that may have been there. (Yep, looking back, looking into the future, not just being here right now- I know, have to snap back to TODAY!).
I think I still struggle with the rose-colored glasses thing with regard to X...there are moments of clarity, but I guess having too good of an imagination can be a bad thing - denial is a powerful thing.
Donna, I don't know whether it makes me strong or not but I have always tried to stay focused on the "family" versus the "R". The girls deserve two parents who can get along in the best possible fashion and as long as STBX plays along we will have a family. Hey, tonight was Hot Yoga round 2! The good news is that I didn't lose my breath once in 90 minutes, the bad news is I almost passed out at least four times and spent half the class on the floor. STBX almost made it through the whole class before watching the room start to spin. What's not to love about this Hot Yoga thing...besides the fact that it's INSANE! I almost yakked in the dressing room, I`m thinking heat prostration. STBX was actually quite encouraging and caring on the way home as she tried to make me feel better about my less than stellar performance. At one point I said ``even the fat guys outlasted me`` She said that those guys come all the time and I was doing just fine. Y`know I`m hating the Yoga but I`m enjoying the connection with STBX as we suffer together...it`s kind of similar to our marriage I should have realized that the way to DB was not to choose activities that are fun to do together but to choose ones that are full of suffering and that offer the challenge of trying to keep your dinner down together. Now that is true Dbing. Anyway the best news of the night is that OP, who goes with STBX on different nights, is `struggling`with this Yoga thing too. I`m sorry, but I do enjoy knowing she`s in pain...how unchristian of me! Also, STBX asked me if I'd like to stay for dinner but I declined. I'd like to say I was using a Dbing tactic but I was just wanting to get home before my legs seized up and I couldn't drive! She asked me last week too, but I declined then too. Btw, I am not DBing here, just to be clear! FLTC, you are absolutely right! Some day, out of nowhere, someone will come along. It`s a matter of believing and staying active out there. I couldn`t even check out the babes at Yoga tonight, I was too busy trying to stay conscious! Later dbers.
Hi folks, I'm trying to discern how much that I'm feeling right now is my own sensitivity and how much is a reality I need to look at. My focus on this thread has been the struggle I've been having in my second year of separation. I find it much lonlier in that people who used to check in with me by calling etc don't anymore. I used to do a lot of stuff with my woman friend but since she's moved we don't even talk on the phone anymore. We used to talk weekly and see each other biweekly. I've called, left the odd message (and that's a sad attempt on my part!) but get no response...nothing for two months! I'll call again. My good friend at work has basically backed away from me due to my church involvement. He don't go and he don't wanna hear about it! Apparently talking about your activities at church, (and I'm not witnessing or being obnoxious in any way) is equivalent to sharing how your night with a hooker went! He spends his time hanging out with the Atheists now. My best friend hasn't answered an email in a couple of weeks. He's probably working his butt off and just forgets. My Pastors don't inquire about me anymore, even after meeting STBX neither followed up to say "Hey, it was great to meet your whole family" although both knew how much it meant for me to have my whole family at the Easter service. In fact, the odd email I send usually gets no response. Now, I know I'm not being demanding, that's for sure, and I also know Pastor's have a job from Hell but we're talking one lousy comment or short email reply here! I'd also met about a month ago with the Youth Pastor to discuss how we could get my kids involved in Youth evenings (which they don't want to go to) and she told me she'd call my girls and take them out for an ice tea and chat and never has, in fact, she hasn't spoken to me since! Oh, and I also have a friend who lives in the same apartment building and I invited her to come to a church group we were having, as she enjoys meeting people and is a devout Christian. When I called to verify whether she could come (she'd said she would) she never returned my phone call! A week and a half later I ran into her and she said "sorry, I was too busy to get back to you" In a week and a half? OK, I know people are busy, they have lives, they don't mean to be hurtful in any way but when STBX seems to be the most reliable person in my life something is friggin' wrong! Am I just too sensitive here? I know people will let you down, even people who have been there for you before still do it. It's life, I guess. It just kind of gets me down when I feel so many people are just not being thoughtful at the same time! Hey, I'm sure I let people down too...so I dunno. Sometimes I wonder whether I should just say to people "Hey, I'd really appreciate it if..." as opposed to just leaving these things. Just venting, I guess. This too shall pass. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive to life...who knows. Why do I feel like a dink by even posting this? I don't like saying "I'm vulnerable" yukkkk!
It's weird sometimes things just happen that way for a reason. Maybe your ex being so prodominant in your life right now is what you need. Or just what is supposed to happen right now for what ever reason.
I really admire and respect that you have such a great relationship with her and your girls while going through a divorce. I am sure your girls appreciate that so much and it has made the transition so much easier.
Thanks Hopeful. Probably somebody in the near term will surprise me with a thoughtful response! Life is strange. I tend to try to see things from others perspectives and in doing so sometimes diminish the legitimacy of my own needs. So sometimes I need to do a little soul searching and figure out whether I'm just allowing people to put me in a drawer. I may need to be more assertive in some situations...and some not. Anyway, it's funny you mention STBX as we just had a good conversation on the phone about a speeding ticket she just got nailed for. I'd warned her about this speed trap a few weeks ago and she forgot. So we discussed the in and outs of fighting it etc. She got nailed going down a hill and the cop didn't reduce it to 10 over despite the fact that she was slowing down...what an A-hole. When the kids told me about it, I called her right away to be supportive. Hey, over 10 km an hour and it's points and then higher insurance rates, not especially good when you're trying to live within a single persons income (even if it was her choice!). She thanked me for calling and she's taking it to court where they may reduce it due to her being in the process of slowing down, besides it'll take nine months to get to court anyway. So this afternoon I'm taking the kids to a movie. Later dbers.
Don't feel like a "dink." I get it. It gets to a point where other people just don't want to hear about it, anymore, even if things are better! I think that, because we are living it and having all of the in-between moments, we realize that lots of other things have gone on. But they only remember the last interaction they may have had with you, and don't realize that we have come to a new place. Does that make sense? Time continues on for them, but they don't realize that it does for us, too. And that adds to their "saturation" point. It's not until we make the reassurances that we are "back to normal" (and they may need to see that more than once) before it gets to a comfortable, equal place again.
Anyway, that's a guess.
And yeah, talking about Church or spirituality is definitely something that will make many people back off - they don't know where you're coming from or where you are heading. Its like bringing up politics; you run a risk, so I save that for people who I meet at my own church (that coming from someone who, not very long ago, WAS the person uncomfortable with people talking about religion or spiritual things around me - maybe made me subconsciously aware that I didn't have that/think I needed that?)
Keep trying to have normal convos with people, reach out to them, and understand that they really could be just busy. I am guilty of that, too. A friend that I made and got close with last year, I just fell out of touch with. I feel really badly about it, since she was there for me during some of the rougher stuff, but so much time went by that it got harder and harder to reach out. When I finally did, she was pissed and I'm still not sure if it will be fixed; it happens.
On a biblical note, do you remember what the disciples did when Jesus went into the garden right before the Last Supper? Humans have faults...try not to take it too personally.
Yes Donna, that Jesus guy sure put up with a lot from us common folk, didn't he! Well, today I took the bull by the horns. I got up this morning and decided I would drive over to my woman friends church and surprise her. She has moved out of town but still makes the long drive into the church she was attending which is only about 10 minutes from my place. When she saw me she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big hug. We sat through the service together and afterwards although she had to go to a meeting downstairs she invited me to go out with her and my best friend tonight as they'd planned to have dinner together already. I told her I'd be there. So I'm having dinner tonight with my two best friends. How's that for a proactive success story.
I think right now I'm able to see STBX as she is rather than what I would like her to be. We're not together but we still are in the sense that we have a family together. STBX is still seeing OP and that's up to her. I too feel a void, as you described, and it's probably a very natural thing. I think often people in our sitches look to fill that void quickly to avoid that empty feeling inside. I know I sure looked for female validation in the first year, not a R but validation. Now I don't know where I'm at but that's OK too. Maybe this is what the Lord wants me to experience and it'll make me a better man in the long run. Btw, this was Hot Yoga night and I had to pass due to a political party meeting tonight. STBX just called to ask if I'd like to go another night this week together. It's nice to see her reach out for my company, that's what friends should do. On the weekend we spent Saturday afternoon together in discussion with our teenage daughter over money matters and the next day we went to our other D's gymnastics meet together. We actually talk together now and after so many years of virtually no communication on her part that's kind of nice! What is is and, as I've said before, she will have to face the Lord with what she has done and explain it to Him, I'll leave in His hands. My job as a Christian and a parent is to be as forgiving as I can be (without being stupid!) and work towards something positive and that's what I'm doing, just as you are in your sitch. Thanks for your input 
Please pray that I'll survive another night of Hot Yoga, the odds aren't in my favour! 
I don't like saying "I'm vulnerable" yukkkk!