Wife has detached from me, tries to offload the children on me as a babysitter while she is out with OP (I think). When I say no I cannot have them, she goes into spoilt brat mode and blames ME for not wanting to see the children. She said "typical, out of sight, out of mind". The times she wants me to have them is when it is not my weekend, I have got to have a life as well, but all she seems to want to do now is party.
The divorce comes through in 7 weeks and any DR'ing, GAL, PMA, 180's has not made a blind bit of difference even though she fights with herself in trying to see she has not seen any consistent changes I have made. It is full steam ahead I'm afraid, but like you and otherr devoted posters I am not going to give up, even after our divorce. I refuse to accept defeat until I feel it is in vain and I am only hurting myself.
If I am being honest I cannot see any way back as I have backslid often and made many mistakes, pushing her further away. I have to be patient and hope the affair ends, though even if it does why would she want to come back to me?
At 41 I think with her new clothes, underwear, started drinking etc she is going through an MLC as I re-read this morning the chapter on MLC in DR which Michele says applies to WAW as well. She is showing these symtoms and her OP is more than likely a younger man than her. I am 48 so an even younger OP than her would make me look ancient.
I pray she will see the light one day and we can work our way back together again.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Let me share something with you from City Girl...'if you're tired of the way your WAS is ignoring you then let ot go and stop being tired of it. Most spouses that walk away from a marriage tend to treat the spouse they left behind like crap. They are rude, selfish, demanding and cold. They think the sun and moon amd stars revolve around them and each whim or desire they have. Its all part of the anatomy of a walk away spouse. They treat you like garbage because you allow them to.'
And this from Coach..."you can't control your wife's thoughts, feelings, or actions so don't even try. You are in complete control of your thoughts (PMA), feelings (act as if), and actions (180's, goals, LLs). Understand this might not turn out the way you want no matter how hard and well you DB. So this crisis you are facing is all about how you handle it for yourself. Don't try to fix or show your wife what she could be doing different. You be the change for the better because it is good for you. DB'n works because it is you taking responsibility for your own happiness (loving yourself). It is honorable and wise to fight for your marriage yet you don't control the outcome. Yet you have to commit to the principles regardless so that you can cope, thrive, grow, and hopefully get your wife to notice the great man you are. You can handle it".
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I went to the house on Friday to pick up my children. My best mans xwife popped in while I was there who I had not seen for a few years. We hugged (which was great because I have not hugged a woman for so long), and she asked me how I was doing. As my wife was also in the kitchen I said "great", I kept upbeat, told her how I was trying to improve my job prospects which includes posting my computer services I can provide into houses. My wife heard this and said "I told him to do this 10 years ago". She also said to my friend "he's never liked what he does for a living". My wife never uttered my name on either occasion, but I ignored her negative statements and thought this was the time to leave. I then said to our friend we must go out for a drink sometime which she excepted.
Originally, I was to give the children dinner and then take them back, but I decided to go one better and offer to have them for the night which I did. We did some nice things and I took them back the following morning, my wife had obviuosly been out the night before as her car was parked somewhere else on Saturday (I must stop wondering what she is doing).
I had to go to our bedroom to pick some things up and I noticed she has thrown away our wedding place settings with our names on it and our wedding cushion which had our names on it, date etc was put in a drawer. I felt shattered and numb but I did not say anything as I was so shocked. I kissed the children goodbye, my S7 came to the door and sounded sad when he said goodbye (that hurt), and I said goodbye to my wife and said I would see them Wednesday.
It appears my wife is now preparing herself for her single life by removing all memories of our past - no photographs, no wedding presents, memories, NOTHING. Is this normal for a WAW and is she now drawing a line regarding our life together? Please respond.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
First, I think you handled yourself good and appropriately with your wife and the friend. Good job!
I think it's typical for a WAW to do these things. They don't want anything around that reminds them of us, or the associated unhappy feelings. Don't try to read into it, and don't try to analyze! Their minds are spinning, probably, and they have a lot of crazy emotions too! Maybe some WAW here could chime in on this, but, I think they have a lot of baggage to deal with too!
25 said that you can 'choose' to feel differently, and you can start that by 'thinking' differently. We need to realize that nothing, and I mean nothing good is going to happen for us if we don't start choosing to feel differently and start thinking differently. We need to see, finally, that what we've been doing is not working! "Where the head goes...the heart will follow". It's never too late to start doing what's right! Let's start NOW!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
We have to stop doing what doesn't work (for ourselves and/or our marriage) and start doing what does work (for ourselves and/or our marriage)!
We have to focus on ourselves. It's not selfish...it's survival and self-improvement. We can't improve ourselves if we're thinking and wondering about our wives who left us! We've gotta think about us and how we can do better.
We have to 'choose' to feel differently and we can start that by 'thinking' differently.
At this point, we have to do 'what's right' for us. Doing what we have been doing is NOT right for us! I think it's about detatching.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thank you antlers for explaining. I've been reading your sitch, it all sucks doesn't it, but we have to be strong and do the best for us and the children as we cannot control our WAW's.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Yep. Coach said it best when he said you cannot control your wives thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't even try! But you CAN control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
