WAW/Affair Exposed - Advice? #3

[DCBHM]

Followed it up with a "Plan B" (no contact) letter as recommended by the Harley guy.

Dear W,

It is with a sense of resignation that I'm writing this to you. During the first period of our separation I have done a lot of soul-searching, and I have been looking not only to you but to my own part in leading us to where we are.

First of all - I fully accept 50% of the responsibility for our marriage. I made some mistakes in our relationship, and I have apologized and been honest to you about them. I also recognize that you may feel as though I was not there when you needed me. Last year I spent a lot of time working, going to school, helping your mother, and that didn't leave a whole lot of time for us to spend together. I see that we were lacking in a lot of emotional support for each other, and although I don't agree how you chose to find that support - I am willing to understand and accept that I could have done more to make you feel appreciated and to be there more when your father passed.

Second, I want to make clear one final time that I am dedicated to doing whatever it takes to help make our relationship stronger, more fulfilling, and ultimately better for the children. I am willing to work together in counseling, and whatever else it takes to help you find where you need to be emotionally. Realistically, this simply is not going to be a possible outcome as long as your affair is ongoing.

To that end I am going to have to take some steps for myself. I hold out hope and faith that you will find a reason - even D1's future - to recognize that we should at least do everything we can do in order to build a stronger relationship with each other so that she knows how hard we work together for her. But each time you throw your affair in my face by parking next door while we are still married, every time you lie to my face, and each time you attack me rather than being honest with me - I lose respect for you. I have lost the trust I had in you. Slowly but surely, I'm finding that I'm losing the love I have for you.

Step 1: I have respect for myself - and I will no longer condone or accept your affair, meaning I will no longer support it by keeping it a secret. I have let 30-40 people know already, not to hurt you, but because affairs thrive in secrecy. The deceit, lying, and selfishness inherent in an affair protects the fantasy. If your "relationship" is meant to be and is a proper thing for you to be doing you should be shouting it from the rooftops instead of attempting to blame me for your indiscretions and lying to my face about it.

Step 2: I have to protect what feelings I have for you at this point. I don't want to hate you, and I don't want us to get to a point where our relationship, even as friends, is not salvageable. To that end - I'm going to continue limiting our contact via text message during the week to be just about D1. I want you to let me know if there is anything I need to know about in terms of emergencies, special plans, etc. but it hurts me emotionally to deal with you too often.

Step 3: I'm going to continue working on myself. I want to be the best father I can be for the kids, and I'm going to work on being independent. I have no desire for a relationship with anyone else at the moment. I know I'm a good person when I take the sum of my life - but it never hurts to be a better person.

Lastly... if you choose to be honest with me and enter into counseling, I believe that would be a big step in repairing our relationship. Whatever the outcome of the counseling, and whether or not we remain married, I know that I require honesty in my friends. As soon as you are willing to completely end your affair - I am willing to discuss the possibility of a future between us.

I love you W. Not the fantasy pretend "ooh I'm in love!" feelings you get at the beginning of a relationship. But the love that I have that helps me endure during times such as these. True love. Unconditional. Sacrificial.

For better or worse.

Your husband,
H

Mentally ill or not... I keep trying for some reason.