This w/e is a long weekend for ANZAC Day (Aust. and NZ soldiers landing at Gallipoli in WWI) so yes, I am down under. A lot of his stuff is still here (more than two years after him moving out). I moved almost all of the clothes he had left behind out of the wardrobe and put them into space bags (you know the ones you vacuum the air out of) and cleaned out my desk of any of his stuff and plonked all that in the spare room with the rest of his stuff that is piled up in boxes. I'm sick of being his storage space but I can't get him to take it away as he has to move out of his 1 b.r. apartment by mid June.
I made up a CD of a 'message to h' type songs. I'm debating on giving it to him as it would likely be seen as either pursuing, or I think that he would interpret it (as there is an angry song or two on there) as me being done. I'm not sure if I am,....I'm just real close to running out of patience...again.
Last edited by Purple; 04/26/0912:15 PM.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Remember I was saying, so he came back.. but what if he isnt much different from lots of these men? You said you thought he had an MLC.. well, I dont see that he is out the other side of that yet. You keep focusing on what HE isnt doing for you... and I dont blame you. But it did strike me the other day, when you said, he never hugs you.. so you asked him for a hug and then he gave you one.. do you hug him? Can you? What if he is thinking the same.. she never hugs me. You want something from him all the time and think he ought to prove he wants you, but is my ex proving to me he wants me?
What am I doing here? Why do I not give up? I get NOTHING from my ex. He doesnt even ask me how I am. No kisses. No hugs apart from hello and goodbye (4/5 times in the last 4/5 months).. and yet I keep going. I am still here, on these crumbs, still loving him, still being forgiving. Just because H SAID he wanted to come back, doesnt mean he was suddenly emotionally healthy and over his crisis. Can you alter your perspective? Or do you just not love him anymore, and then, thats fair enough.
I wanted to post this to yuo... ButterflyMum posted in MLC now she has got her H back (for over a year) and I really like how she explains it, it sums up what I mean...Why should you be any different to what alot of us here are having to do/put up with.. IF we want our partners back and think they are worth it? I think you have too many resentments.. but can you just show him kindness, throw rocks in a deep pool of nothing, until the rocks become a pile?
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"I don’t know about waiting out the “beginning of the MLCer acting out” (if I gathered you right on that one, Jack). I didn’t wait. MLCer’s are hurting too. That is WHY they are acting out. Think about your spouse and how he was before and how much in love you guys were and how you never thought he’d do anything to hurt you (I’ve not read your posts, but that pretty much seems to be the norm around here). Why is he acting this way now? Did he just get mean all of a sudden? Most likely not. Most likely there was something going on in your marriage that he got tired of dealing with. This may have been something that you didn’t really think was all that bad. Something that you may not have even been aware was important to him, but it was important and now he’s come to the end of his rope. He has found someone that is meeting that need (maybe – I don’t know if your spouse is having an affair or not)and has decided to finally be happy. He was most likely hurting over something for many many years and now that he’s made the break he’s got to prove to himself and to everyone else that there is no turning back – so he acts out. He’s hurting – so someone else needs to hurt too – so he acts out. If you can look at your spouse as someone who has been hurt deeply and is now acting out on that hurt it is easier to be nice to them. Easier to not take their actions so personally. Easier to realize that it may take some time to undo the years and years of build-up to this situation. I got shot down, ignored, he was mean to me, etc and that is where the whole idea of “detachment” comes into play. Detachment isn’t about detaching yourself physically or ending contact with your wayward spouse, it is about protecting your emotions so that their antics don’t keep bringing you down. It gets hard to keep acting “as if” (to use a DB term) when your spouse is not receptive to any of your niceness, but as I read somewhere earlier it’s like rocks in a river. You are standing on the edge of a river that you need to cross so you begin throwing rocks into the river one at a time to make a bridge. At first the rocks just sink to the bottom and you don’t appear to be making any progress, but you just keep throwing rocks. Eventually a rock with hit and a small piece will stick out of the surface of the water. You keep throwing until many rocks are sticking out and you can walk across the river. The rocks represent little kindnesses that we do for our spouses. At first, they don’t appear to really be making a difference, but just know that somewhere under the surface they are slowly building and it will be a while before you can see any progress. Some of us have bigger and deeper “rivers” to cross than others and chances are if you are dealing with the Mississippi River or something equally as large you might get tired and give up before you see any progress. ;. Most likely it is going to take much longer than it ever does in Hollywood!
Sometimes your nice acts DON’T lead to a reconciliation. Sometimes they may only lead to a better relationship with your spouse in the future which will help your kids (if you have any) adjust better to the separation or divorce. My main goal – even ahead of reconciliation – was making sure that things were smooth as could possibly be for my kids. I didn’t know if we would ever get back together, but I didn’t want to put my kids through hell in the process."
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Just food for thought K!! Can you have more patience and just show him kindness and stop being so resentful and angry? I have a feeling you will say.. "NO !!... " etc xxxx
Hey Al, what is this? Do you think I should be in the same sitch as you? You told me that last night and I think you are missig a point here...
Let me put it in other words and maybe you will understand. Let's say BF comes back to you in a week. And you are ready. He says he loves and wants to be with you. He declares he knows what went worng and wants to change things. And then..., nothing. He keeps NOT calling, not initiating any contact and comes by every once in a while, with sporadic actions of "caring" that dont even match up to what youw would do for a friend. And that continues for 7 [censored] months... And there is no progress and you are still feeling lonely and every now and then he hurts you also. Tell me, how frustrating would that be you think? Tell me what would you do and what would you think? It is a joke.
We are not in the same phase. You cant compare. It's a freakin joke and I am surprised you dont see it. And yes, I did walk across the room and hugged him a few times, and I did kiss him and no he didnt push me away. But he never did try to kiss me either. And when he sleeps here I am the ONLY one trying to snuggle and even vocalised my surprise he doesnt want to touch me (not sexually) in any way. And yes, I have been trying to be patient and understanding about his work and in opposite of what you suggested didnt tell him to leave a job or I am gone. I RESPECT his position and his very little time,that's caring not? So what? Where did that get me? It seems he takes it for granted instead of realising and appreciating how hard that is for me.
And you know what? You forget. He left. He came back when I was telling him I am over him, when I asked for divorce. I didnt beg, I didnt tell him he has all the time of the world, I didnt say I would put up with anything just to have him back... On the contrary. And he stated he was up to the challenge to make my heart warm again. Lied to me. He never followed any of the Cs suggestions, never tried to ease my pain, never showed any compassion. He couldnt even be honest when I did beg for the truth. And I let it slide. Hevnt mentioned it for a while.
I was surprised not many of you didnt quote my posts of the past when I was declaring all the things I would ask for as prerequisites. I have yet, recieved nothing of those. Not even some progress on some areas. Period.
He maybe still in MLC. HIS PROBLEM!!!!!! He is making choices and will have to bear the conseqeunces. I did too and he left. I never got a second chance from him. He ruined my life, me, emotionally, "security" wise, romantically, trust wise, financially, let alone the kids, etc etc ... I took the consequences as a ... man. LOL
His free ride pass is being revoked.
How can you compare your timing with what's going on here? I've been there, where you are now, a year ago, and I was patient and loving and DBed my ass off. And it "worked", right? Well, not really but that's what it seemed like 7 months ago.
No, I dont get what you are saying. I dont want to think any more excuses for him. Kindness? What do you think? That I am mean? Like he says? No, I am not. I am giving him enough rope to hang himself and he is.
7 months Ali, he never found the time to take me for dinner so that we can spend time together. How pathetic that makes me? VERY I would say. I am done begging. I am done hoping and wishing.
Fosusing on me right now. I better start grieving the end of an era so I can follow through with my decisions when the time comes. It saddens me. It does make me feel like a failure. I do think "what a shame" almost every moment I am awake. I will get over it. K
Hey K.. no not at all, you are not mean like he said, no not at all! We said, you are a loving mother, a good friend, HE is the mean one. When I say act with kindness.. I meant to do it even though he doesnt even deserve it! A kind of extra kindness in the face of coldness/meanness. MLC or not, he is the mean one, in actions and words. Why should I be nice to my ex? He has treated me like sh*t ! But the point is, I'm saying what Cyrena said, just because they say they want back doesnt mean they are suddenly 'cured' overnight. I think your H is still in some state of unhappiness/crisis/I dont know!
Sorry K, I wasnt saying you havent been kind, but that could you continue for longer whilst stop feeling resentful that you get nothing back for those kindnesses. Clearly, you dont want to! So you walked across and hugged him, its a rock in the river.. and who knows how long that might take before enough rocks built up, or perhaps in your H's case,you could throw rocks until the end of time and he would never change, soften, or whatever. Maybe this is just him and its about accepting that?
Its just a different view point, but seems like you think that enough is enough then, "no more excuses". Fair enough ! That poster also says (as others do) that MLC or not, sometimes as you say, too bad! Too little, too late and you are done hoping. I wouldnt blame you for that and you are NOT a failure ! Anymore than any of us here are.
I think you misunderstood my do not do anything drastic. I meant today or tommorow....let the dust settle from that altercation in the car.
I read your last post to Ali and you say you better start grieving an end of an era......
I think you have been grieving for a while and it may be time to stop grieving. We all have our limits (quite frankly i have always been amazed at how far we are willing to go to try to keep our marriages), if and when when you get there you will act accordingly.
You are still young. Not that older people can't find love again. But I do think the time to do that is when you are young. You don't want to be 48 and still stuck in this position. It is time to accept that this is not the marriage you need for YOU. And start a new life without him.
You don't want to be 48 and still stuck in this position.
That statement strikes very close to home with me still being 48, but I understand what you are saying to Kalni.
Kalni, it's a choice you need to make and you cant foresee the outcomes of either. You can hang in there hoping he has some sort of awakening in the future and want to do all it takes to rebuild a superb marriage. However, if he does not, it could leave you with a bitter attitude about relationships and make it difficult to trust someone else. And if you divorce, how will it feel later when he admits that he did not treat you well and wish he had a second chance.
I must admit, if I was in your situation, the decision would be difficult. I would probably stick with it as there is no OP involved which creates severe damage to reconciling. As John says, you need to hold off on some big talks for a few days following the raising of emotions in the car. Try to think of ways that you could have done to have difused the situation before it got to that point. Just remember, when you argue, no one wins. And express, but dont defend your emotions.
Hey Purple, I hope all is well down under (but there are still crazy drivers in Perth). I made a similar "us love" CD and it did not make much of a difference. The one thing my X told me that made a huge impact was a 33 page album with pictures of us (and kids together) with lyrics mixed in (Love by John Lennon and Just the Way You Are" by Billy Joel). She looked at it a lot and she did ask for a second chance a week or so before the divorce was final. I had moved on by then, and as of today, I have no regrets.
Maria, thinking of you and reading along. There is a huge difference between being childless and in this situation than being a mum in this situation, all kinds of financial concerns have to be taken into account. Security is a big pull. Eventually we have to know that the giving up and all the unknowns we fear hold the greatest chance of happiness we so need to "live" Whatever the decision,when it is time you will know. ((()))
I have been trying to figure this guy out for a long time! I think he wants to be married, but he doesn't really want to change anything, or do anything himself. Instead he wants to live his life, and blame you for everything that isn't right. I haven't seen him do or say anything that shows he is really serious. I don't like to say it, but that's what I am seeing. The only time he moves at all is when he thinks you might. And then only enough to make you think. Grrrrrrr.......
