MLC and affair - how to handle?

[foreverhesaid]

I've been lurking for a while and have gleaned lots of information from both here and the books.

My question is that I am dealing with my husbands MLC and he is currently having an affair. All of the recommendations for MLC is to give him space and let him figure things out. So when do we do a relationship talk? Do I wait for him to bring things up? I want him to know that I DO NOT approve of his affair. He has been having an EA for about 8 months on the computer with an old girlfriend, and what I believe is a PA for maybe 4 months. I think that he thinks he is being sneaky and that I don't know about the PA. Since starting DB, about three weeks ago, I have noticed positive changes. He has initiated sex for the first time in many months, he volunteered that he loved me (also many months),and has been flirting with me. This weekend however, I think he went to see here again. I guess I just don't know if I should bring this up to him, or not rock the boat and keep up with DB and try to get more positive steps.

I haven't figured out yet how to post my situation on my profile, but will try to do that soon for background.

Thank you all for any insights. You have already provided me with a great deal of support.

[foreverhesaid]

I guess there isn't a way to add a story to the profile. So my situation is that for our 10 year anniversary my husband decided to have an affair. I knew that things were not right for the past year, mostly because my H was burned out at work. I think this was the start of his MLC. Yes, he started buying new clothes, lost weight, bought the fancy sports car, and suddenly everything that I did was wrong. We work together, and for the past 10 years he had not taken a vacation, despite my begging and pleading, and our entire family telling him he needed a break. I finally stopped prodding him, because I realized that he was the one who needed to decide when he had had enough. So finally he decided to take off on weekends, what I started to call his MLC trips (not to his face, this was in my head). At first it was just him driving his sportscar for hours at a time, then it turned into overnight trips. I was still kind of OK with this, because I was just glad at first that he was taking the break he so desperately needed. Sometime in there however, he was contacted via email by an old girlfriend, who had just dumped her second husband. I suspect she is MLC too and they started to feed off of each other. When I started to see lots of email from this OW (I couldn't read the emails but saw just who they were from, he has a password protected account) I confronted him. First he denyed EA, but finally did say that he realized it was wrong. This did not stop however, and now on his weekend MLC trips I think that he goes to see her. Not every time, but perhaps twice a month. I suspect a PA, although he hasn't admitted that. However I am practical enough to know that they probably aren't just getting together to have dinner. So, I did all of the wrong things. Got depressed, lost 20 pounds, cried for days on end. Suggested MC, which he refused. Was even suicidal for a time but realized then that I would be making a decision for him if I wasn't here. He actually told me that our marriage was perfect 'on paper', whatever that means, and that this wasn't my fault and that he wouldn't change a thing. I know that our marriage can't be perfect if he is going outside it for validation or sex. This was all made more difficult by us being together at work every day and putting on a happy face. I decided not to tell anyone else about his affair - mostly because I know that everyone we know (our families and friends) would urge him to stop the affair and come back to me, and that in the past he does the exact opposite of what they urge, so this wouldn't work in my favor. Also, he has so much stupid male pride, that if he left and even if things didn't work out with the OW, it would be alot for him to swallow to come back and be with me.
I finally found this website, which has been a godsend. Everything else I read basically said my marriage was finished, and that there was no hope. To find someone who even thought reconciliation was possible did wonders for my psyche. So, since starting DB, about three weeks, I have seen some positive changes, as I mentioned above. He even spent last weekend at home, more so probably because it was his mothers birthday than anything having to do with me, but I was just glad that he was with me and not OW.

I welcome any suggestions or thoughts of encouragement. Sometimes this hurts so bad I dont' know where to turn.

[job]

f,
Continue doing what you've been doing in the way of dbing. Just remember, dbing is not only to assist in saving the marriage, but it's to assist you in moving on and getting a life whether he comes back or not.

No relationship talks...he can't handle them right now. Follow his lead when it comes to discussions. As for the ow, I wouldn't raise this issue w/him again. The more you ask questions, the more you are pushing him towards her. He is her white knight and he needs to protect her. Most likely she's crying on his shoulder about her broken marriages and her life and, of course, his ego is going through the roof because she selected him to save her. Your h is very vulnerable right now and his ego needs boosting be it from stroking that ego, admiration and affirmation and he isn't seeking it from you because you know him entirely too well. He can sugar coat things to this ow and she doesn't know the history that you have together.

While visiting the Mother Ship, he'll say one thing and do another. Lying is a true trait of mlc just as confusion, wanting freedom, spending, health issues, disappearing for hours on end, etc. The one thing you must do is protect your assets. Ensure that you have money in the bank under your name only, the same would apply to credit cards. Make sure that the bills are paid on time, for time stands still w/them and they don't care if they get paid or not because they are selfish w/their money.

I know that this is very difficult for you, but you need to go on w/your life as if he'll never return from the Mother Ship. He needs this time to grow up. You, on the other hand, are already a mature adult. You will need to remain strong and have plenty of patience during this time. Do not believe anything he says and only about 1/2 of what he does. Do not take what he says to you to heart, for he is speaking out from pain that has been buried deep within. This is your time to do what you want as well. Give him plenty of space and a lot of time to explore "space".

[peacetoday]

sorry you find yourself here
Snodderly always has the best advice
protect your money
you will not see it at first,,they hide all they spend
Mine had seperate credit cards that I never knew he had
sounds lkike your H is responding to your efforts and that is good
but
if its MLC they really do go thru a process that cant be stopped
some worse than others
peace

[kjensen]

F,
I have been and am currently in a similar situation. Snodderly's advice is spot on. As much as the angry part of us wants to confront and find answers and express our hurt and anger, this only drives the MLCer away and into the arms of the OW. It is helpful to find other venues to vent. I think its terrific you aren't sharing the A info with others b/c it will hurt your H and if/when he returns it makes things more difficlt. Regretfully, I did talk with a few of my friends(only one knows H), but my H felt like he had a red 'A' on his forehead when he went to school functions with our girls-it made him more anxious and withdrawn.

I have found journaling helpful on paper and with this online community. I have also been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding MLC. Books on saving your marriage and how to get over affairs are helpful, but the MLC situation is a bit different and definitely trickier.

The most effective things I have found is in a way letting the one you love go. Hard as that is to actually do, your H is needing to explore and "grow" and needs his space to do that outside the relationship. Its not fair, it doesn't feel right, but it is what it is. Switch as much of your mental focus onto you and not your H, the OW or his A. Don't snoop-you know what's going on already-what more do you really need to know? Snooping will just make you feel bad about yourself, more angry(do you really need more than you already have?)and if your H finds out, will give a reason not to trust you(which is the pinnacle of hypocrisy).

As Snodderly said, keep doing the DB stuff, keep track of his reasponses. Post here as needed and arm yourself with info on MLC. Protect your assets. Find places or ways to vent that won't come back to bite you. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but this online community can be a god-send and I'm glad you found it!

[foreverhesaid]

Dear Snodderly, Jensen, peace -
Thank you so much for your input and advice. He's not home yet, but he did call - I remained civil. As you all know this MLC stuff is so hard and mostly UNFAIR! Who is this strange alien who has taken over my normally responsible loving husband? As much as I want to confront him, a voice in the back of my head was saying, better to just leave it alone.
When he called and asked what I've been doing he seemed surprised when I told him. It was a long list comprising various garden and household projects, some stuff which I would normally never tackle by myself. (replacing and staining a board on our deck - normally his domain). He seemed very surprised, I think he thinks I just sit around on my butt the whole time he's gone. He asked if I had anything to drink? This was at about 10AM. Sure we have wine in the house, but I drink maybe two glasses a month. Alcohol has become part of his escape and a coping mechanism. I thought it a very strange question - does he think I get drunk when he leaves? I'm never drinking when he gets home, I don't know why he would ask this.

Anyway, again thank you all for your support. This website helps keep me strong.