Yesterday was painful. We spent the day preparing the house for sale. I was struck by two things, how much I love everything about her and, for the first time, a question as to whether or not I want to be married to someone who does something like this. She told me that I was very critical. She said I hold myself and others to an impossible standard. And it is absolutely true. She said she felt cheated and for a while hated me. She said it was the only way she could do this. She also said we need to sell the house and get the divorce since it is the only way we can move forward or back. That "or back" obviously struck me. I think she is planning to give me an audition, together with a bunch of other guys once the divorce is final. Then she went on a date last night. I know that she is probably right about the critical stuff. That's true about me and a real flaw. But I just don't know if I want someone who is willing to turn her back on me like this. Someone who can be dating another man 3 months after telling me I was wonderful and she was lucky to have me. I've been trying to DB, but today I am just questioning my need to GAL, and be a better man. Maybe I was ok all along. Worn down by a disease, and with my human flaws. Maybe it was her. I love her, but today I am really wondering whether I want to be married to her.
