Remember I was saying, so he came back.. but what if he isnt much different from lots of these men? You said you thought he had an MLC.. well, I dont see that he is out the other side of that yet. You keep focusing on what HE isnt doing for you... and I dont blame you. But it did strike me the other day, when you said, he never hugs you.. so you asked him for a hug and then he gave you one.. do you hug him? Can you? What if he is thinking the same.. she never hugs me. You want something from him all the time and think he ought to prove he wants you, but is my ex proving to me he wants me?
What am I doing here? Why do I not give up? I get NOTHING from my ex. He doesnt even ask me how I am. No kisses. No hugs apart from hello and goodbye (4/5 times in the last 4/5 months).. and yet I keep going. I am still here, on these crumbs, still loving him, still being forgiving. Just because H SAID he wanted to come back, doesnt mean he was suddenly emotionally healthy and over his crisis. Can you alter your perspective? Or do you just not love him anymore, and then, thats fair enough.
I wanted to post this to yuo... ButterflyMum posted in MLC now she has got her H back (for over a year) and I really like how she explains it, it sums up what I mean...Why should you be any different to what alot of us here are having to do/put up with.. IF we want our partners back and think they are worth it? I think you have too many resentments.. but can you just show him kindness, throw rocks in a deep pool of nothing, until the rocks become a pile?
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"I don’t know about waiting out the “beginning of the MLCer acting out” (if I gathered you right on that one, Jack). I didn’t wait. MLCer’s are hurting too. That is WHY they are acting out. Think about your spouse and how he was before and how much in love you guys were and how you never thought he’d do anything to hurt you (I’ve not read your posts, but that pretty much seems to be the norm around here). Why is he acting this way now? Did he just get mean all of a sudden? Most likely not. Most likely there was something going on in your marriage that he got tired of dealing with. This may have been something that you didn’t really think was all that bad. Something that you may not have even been aware was important to him, but it was important and now he’s come to the end of his rope. He has found someone that is meeting that need (maybe – I don’t know if your spouse is having an affair or not)and has decided to finally be happy. He was most likely hurting over something for many many years and now that he’s made the break he’s got to prove to himself and to everyone else that there is no turning back – so he acts out. He’s hurting – so someone else needs to hurt too – so he acts out. If you can look at your spouse as someone who has been hurt deeply and is now acting out on that hurt it is easier to be nice to them. Easier to not take their actions so personally. Easier to realize that it may take some time to undo the years and years of build-up to this situation. I got shot down, ignored, he was mean to me, etc and that is where the whole idea of “detachment” comes into play. Detachment isn’t about detaching yourself physically or ending contact with your wayward spouse, it is about protecting your emotions so that their antics don’t keep bringing you down. It gets hard to keep acting “as if” (to use a DB term) when your spouse is not receptive to any of your niceness, but as I read somewhere earlier it’s like rocks in a river. You are standing on the edge of a river that you need to cross so you begin throwing rocks into the river one at a time to make a bridge. At first the rocks just sink to the bottom and you don’t appear to be making any progress, but you just keep throwing rocks. Eventually a rock with hit and a small piece will stick out of the surface of the water. You keep throwing until many rocks are sticking out and you can walk across the river. The rocks represent little kindnesses that we do for our spouses. At first, they don’t appear to really be making a difference, but just know that somewhere under the surface they are slowly building and it will be a while before you can see any progress. Some of us have bigger and deeper “rivers” to cross than others and chances are if you are dealing with the Mississippi River or something equally as large you might get tired and give up before you see any progress. ;. Most likely it is going to take much longer than it ever does in Hollywood!
Sometimes your nice acts DON’T lead to a reconciliation. Sometimes they may only lead to a better relationship with your spouse in the future which will help your kids (if you have any) adjust better to the separation or divorce. My main goal – even ahead of reconciliation – was making sure that things were smooth as could possibly be for my kids. I didn’t know if we would ever get back together, but I didn’t want to put my kids through hell in the process."
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Just food for thought K!! Can you have more patience and just show him kindness and stop being so resentful and angry? I have a feeling you will say.. "NO !!... " etc xxxx
