True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[AliSuddenly]

Silver.. I knew you would think that! Please dont.. we all do 'all the wrong things' when we get hit with the bomb and then, after, you were only trying to protect yourself. And also, you cant control what happens. I sometimes wonder if the nuances of teh communications I have had with my ex have made any difference at all over the past 18 mohths.. he probably would have got to where he is at now in any case. So, dont beat yourself up !!! But yes, maybe change tack now and try that.

Som along the same lines I was trying to explain, here is an excellent post from butterflyMom.. she won her H back and just posted in teh MLC forum. Its just luck, which come back, no way of knowing! But I love her explanation here about showing them compassion, kindness and continued contact and also the analogy about the rocks in the river, it exactly sums up what I was trying to say to you...

"I don’t know about waiting out the “beginning of the MLCer acting out” (if I gathered you right on that one, Jack). I didn’t wait. MLCer’s are hurting too. That is WHY they are acting out. Think about your spouse and how he was before and how much in love you guys were and how you never thought he’d do anything to hurt you (I’ve not read your posts, but that pretty much seems to be the norm around here). Why is he acting this way now? Did he just get mean all of a sudden? Most likely not. Most likely there was something going on in your marriage that he got tired of dealing with. This may have been something that you didn’t really think was all that bad. Something that you may not have even been aware was important to him, but it was important and now he’s come to the end of his rope. He has found someone that is meeting that need (maybe – I don’t know if your spouse is having an affair or not)and has decided to finally be happy. He was most likely hurting over something for many many years and now that he’s made the break he’s got to prove to himself and to everyone else that there is no turning back – so he acts out. He’s hurting – so someone else needs to hurt too – so he acts out. If you can look at your spouse as someone who has been hurt deeply and is now acting out on that hurt it is easier to be nice to them. Easier to not take their actions so personally. Easier to realize that it may take some time to undo the years and years of build-up to this situation. I got shot down, ignored, he was mean to me, etc and that is where the whole idea of “detachment” comes into play. Detachment isn’t about detaching yourself physically or ending contact with your wayward spouse, it is about protecting your emotions so that their antics don’t keep bringing you down. It gets hard to keep acting “as if” (to use a DB term) when your spouse is not receptive to any of your niceness, but as I read somewhere earlier it’s like rocks in a river. You are standing on the edge of a river that you need to cross so you begin throwing rocks into the river one at a time to make a bridge. At first the rocks just sink to the bottom and you don’t appear to be making any progress, but you just keep throwing rocks. Eventually a rock with hit and a small piece will stick out of the surface of the water. You keep throwing until many rocks are sticking out and you can walk across the river. The rocks represent little kindnesses that we do for our spouses. At first, they don’t appear to really be making a difference, but just know that somewhere under the surface they are slowly building and it will be a while before you can see any progress. Some of us have bigger and deeper “rivers” to cross than others and chances are if you are dealing with the Mississippi River or something equally as large you might get tired and give up before you see any progress. ;. Most likely it is going to take much longer than it ever does in Hollywood!

Sometimes your nice acts DON’T lead to a reconciliation. Sometimes they may only lead to a better relationship with your spouse in the future"

...so how about next time he comes over to mow the grass, leave him a brief thankyou note and his favourite snack, or something??

I have done things for my ex, little things that are linked to my 180's.. like I posted him some recordings of new music I knew he would like. Because when we first met and were friends, music was veyr important to us, but I got lazy and complacent down the years and even complained at times if he wanted the stereo on. So.. 180's. What would be a 180 for you, to get his attention? And you are lucky Silver in that yuo do still have opportunities to do that, as he wants to speak to you and he still comes by the house regularly.