Learning to Detach

[graceallday]

and when there is a OP they will see their M as unfixable...

[kjensen]

Grace,
I think I am realizing that sad truth. Just over a month ago it seemed that since the A had ended my H was actually sort of, in a mlc kind of way, working at our relationship. Then the OW shows up at his apartment and the A starts again. Since then there has been no effort on his part to do things alone with me-much. He has stated that he felt there was "little to lose" in restarting the A as he felt there was very little between us anymore. (In my mind he could possibly lose everything:his wife/best friend(me), the girls, his home, his friends, his self-respect...-really all that is nothing, right?)

Had lunch with H and the girls today. I thought it went fine. H seemed a bit tense. Later I emailed him a quick thank you for including me(positive reinforcement) and said I hoped it hadn't been too uncomfortable for him(as was his worry). He emailed back that it was a bit uncomfortable and he felt the girls were uncomfortable(when I asked he girls,one later said she was, the other wasn't)... He said to text him later..

At dinnertime he texted me. At one point I thought I'd test the waters and asked if he wanted to see a movie this weekend. He said no thanks. I said I thought that would be his answer and that was OK. He kept the texting going just a bit more then said he had a tv show to watch.

So, I'm guessing this sidestepping any real interaction alone with me, any semblance of being together is part of the MLC or his discomfort with being close to me while with the OW..? Thoughts/opinions?

It just strikes me as odd since he and I have lunch alone, together in our house frequently during the week.

Is this just more waffling? Trying not to take it personally. Kind of mad at myself for setting myself up for rejection, yet again. Hope springs eternal and despite knowing better!

It's H's weekend without OW(as she has her kids), although I think they may still workout at her gym Saturdays-just a guess.

I plan to let H initiate any contact this weekend, as I have the last several days. I'm curious as to whether he can go the whole weekend on his own, pretty much alone. I think only one of his two friends is home this weekend. H did have therapy today and when I asked how he was afterwards he said, "So-so..you know-it's therapy.."- he seemed kind of down/withdrawn.

I hope I can keep my mind occupied this weekend. I do tend to ruminate and get down on the weekends. The weekends I know he is with the OW are harder though.

[D Money]

Good morning K

Back off a bit. You're starting to pursue and that's going to push him away.

[Concerned_Listener]

KJ,
I can remember two years ago when I started attending a writer's group, as part of a GAL plan when my W was sleeping elsewhere. I went because staying at home was bringing me down. I had to force myself to go.

I was beaten down, and mildly depressed, wounded, and unbalanced. My W seemed entitled, justified, and energetic with her chosen freedom.

It was awkward at first, because I felt like someone with a terrible secret when I was with the group. I felt ashamed of my life and my M. I din't feel like I qualified to be part of this group, as I was a new and untrained writer. I thought that this is how a newly D guy must feel, when he awkwardly is trying to make connections in the world.

It didn't make me feel better at first. Still, those first steps were essential. You must take them too,

I know you have children, so you will have to find a way to take those steps while honoring your commitments. Otherwise, you will be waiting, when you should be living. You will be hovering over the R, when you should be putting your energy into creative, productive, and enjoyable pursuits.

Use your energy as wisely as possible. You can take breaks from the M; the problems will still be there when you get back.

CL

[graceallday]

like they are saying detach more and dont pursue at all

[kjensen]

Good advice all. Will do.

[peacetoday]

K
A lot of these Mlers are very undecided about the M ,really ending it
so that is why Im guessing your H seems to be there much of the time
MY XH didnt want me to come at all on any outings
But he spent a lot of time here at our home talking to me
then
They slowly drift away, many do not want to give up on the "friendly" R with LBS
I saw my XH Hang around for practicaaly the whol;e crises till the time the D got stressful and I went dim
now you set the foundation
your H gets to see any positive changes
and how you have supported hIm
but he still will have to work through the crises
many will go theough journey similar
leaving family, filing( some dont), spending
losing a alot
others may find therapy and work it through
no one really knows

[Fallgirl]

Well, for what its worth for anyone else caught in the craziness of an ailing marriage, this is how I survived the latest piece of craziness.

I strongly considered going to my lawyer to initiate separation proceedings. Soon dropped that thought though when I realised I could be overreacting and causing more harm to all of us.

Then I considered breaking the lock of the bedroom door so H wouldn`t be able to lock himself in. Even bought the chewing gum to do the job! But then had a light bulb moment.

I had spent the past two weeks working(to my mind)180 beautifully. I was doing the opposite to what H had expected me to do. And I was wonderfully calm about everything, never rising to the bait and enjoying myself. Butinstead of improving, I was bothered that H seemed to be deteriorating -getting more withdrawn and trying to trigger me in little ways.

Now, in taking the master bedroom and dumping me out to the guest room he had found a way to get to me, draw me into the game, the craziness the push pull of the codependent relationship. A way to break my calm.

I decided that sleeping in the guest room would be just fine for me. I spent the day prepping myself for that possibility.

No it never came up in conversation. Old me would have brought it up and asked H what was that all about. New me didn`t go there. Old me would have braced myself for an attack and attacked back. New me just smiled at H-sincerely! and just mentioned the business of the day-the kids- and didn`t get upset when H disappeared off for the evening either.

I got on with all I had planned to do, enjoyed my day and made sure H had first call on which room to sleep in.

In the end up he slept in the guestroom.

You know, it`s such a non-biggie for me where I sleep that now I`m thinking maybe I should offer to sleep in the guestroom. Not quite sure yet. But I`m very sure that I need to go back to read Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie. And I`m pretty sure that my 180 stuff is going just fine. H has noticed a change, he is subconsciously testing it.

I`m still concerned about the irrationality and premeditated aspect(it took a while to gather up all those keys) of his behaviour.Detaching from him has helped me see more clearly that he is suffering from depression or something. When I look back at better times, this is not my Old H but some entirely different creature.

I spoke to my eldest son-who had witnessed the bedroom war and told him everyone goes through funny phases in their lives ans that Dad was giong through a bit of a patch and we all needed to cut him some slack, give him time and space to work through it. I told him he really is a good dad and that he loves us all very much.

I will go talk to H`s doctor to let him know about the irrationality and withdrawn behaviour of H. Maybe he can help him.

And now I`m off to mind me and the kids look at my GAL goals and get on with my own journey!

Thanks folks!

[Fallgirl]

Oops, sorry, I just posted under the wrong topic!Sorry K! Learning to detach myself though as you`ll read in my post. Not quite where you`re at though my H seems to be caught in the fantasy world of an MLCer too.

I agree about your not pursung-go back to Michelles books about this. Its very important for your H to see you having fun without him, getting on with your life.

I see this time as my journey for me. I can have my MLC too!

Sorry for jumping in on your topic-I`m off to paste my offending post in MLC forum where it belongs!

[kjensen]

No worries. Fallgirl,

I haven't contacted H so far and have no plans to. Haven't heard peep from him since his texting Friday night. The sad thing is H was a very devoted father and the sadness he feels being separated from his girls was what he was most surprised about when he first moved out. It was the reason he gave the OW for breaking up in February-that he need to focus on the girls as they were the most important things/people in the world to him. When he first moved out he said he would contact them every day. Since his A restarted this has fallen by the wayside. They say they don't care if H calls them every day, but I feel there must be someplace inside where they feel abandoned or rejected...Maybe I'm just projecting.

I've been keeping busy doing some Spring Cleaning, watching movies with the girls, working out.. Each day it feels as if I'm 'letting go' a little more. I worry that with this time apart (physically and mentally) I'm going to forget the things I love(d) about my H. Most of the qualities I loved abut H have disappeared. He has said over the last few months that I don't know who he is...how will I? I'm guessing other MLCers have said the same?