Newbie - first post

[25yearsmlc]

Kara,

First off, yes you need to post your own thread. The place for that will be at the beginning of the site, once you get to online community, look for it. Give it a name or title that we can recall easily to find you. If you post a lot on others' threads, you'll hijack someone's (don't worry at this point as many of us did this at first) and that isn't fair to them BUT you'll also get piecemeal advice or people will lose you.

Second, you have to READ the Divorce Busting/Divorce REmedy books NOW or this won't make sense to you and you'll continue to do the opposite of what you are supposed to do. So IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY AND MARRIED then read the books and change your approach NOW...BUT IF YOU WANT TO BE "RIGHT" THEN GO AHEAD AND BE ANGRY ALL THE TIME UNTIL HE SURRENDERS OR DIES OR YOU ARE DIVORCED...B/C HEY, YOU ARE "RIGHT"...see my point? Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be "right"?

Yes we've all been there in some form. So read the book and if you only have time for one, I'd say read the latter ONLY b/c the first one discusses how bad divorce is so if you already know that, go to the Div Remedy book BUT if you are confused,, then get both and start with D Busting...

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM NOW and do not bring up the books YOU are reading b/c they are for YOU and YOU ONLY. Do not "SHOW" him you are different now, in a matter of days...

Be different. Start with the 180s (opposite of what he expects of you or from you--)those will DEMONSTRATE thru your actions and NOT meaningless words, who you are NOW....(think of who he fell in love with, and become her again). Did you nag him then? Bet not. Your words are like bees buzzing to him, or worse...nothing you SAY will affect him EXCEPT THE DIVORCE word and you don't need to say that again. IF you want to stay M to him, let HIM be the one to FILE...sometimes the MLCer is so confused and takes a long time to see that a divorce is NOT what he wants after all but if you already filed and it's over, then that's that...SOME men/women need to see the risk of loss before they will wake up but in this case your anger and comments have turned him off so he won't see divorce as much of a loss to him YET....(this does NOT mean you should not see a lawyer as it is stupid not to do so. See a lawyer and ask questions and pay for a consultation. You don't have to DO anything and most lawyers know that most clients simply want their fears addressed. If you wish to retain them down the road, your h will likely have to foot the bill if he is the bigger bread winner. But again, your lawyer will advise you of how vulnerable you could be, or not. Mine was great (and I am a L but I don't give advice here, fyi) but she told me essentially what the worst case scenarios were and the best and the most likely and at one point I DID file for a sep to protect h from "investing" our house with his heroes in Alaska....well, thank GOD for that since we'd have lost even more if I had not done that...generally I felt empowered by my Lawyers info as it gave me choice. I did not feel trapped. Or cornered or fears of being on the streets b/c I had made a lot of career sacrifices, etc.

Stop trying to understand what is NOT understandable. Pay no attention to what he says, and only half of what he does....re-read that last sentence or you'll go nuts as his moods and words and actions will NOT match up...

SO go read those books, and get your own thread and ON that thread, post how long you have been married, "together", # kids and their ages, relevant SHORT info about what or how you got here... OW (other woman) issues, etc,

Snooping and all that info IS IN THE BOOKS so you need to read those to get support here that is effective. Meaning some of this is NOT intuitively obvious. We all feel that if our spouses cheat, THEY SHOULD STOP but saying that is useless. If you are sure it means it's over IF he is having an affair, then snoop, get proof you "need" for closure and file...

But if you are interested in TRYING to salvage this even with an affair in the history (and many people do) then STOP SNOOPING as it is counter productive, destructive, and will consume YOU.

For now, lose the anger you feel at least in front of him. It only confirms his choices b/c now he can justify leaving since you are so difficult and hard to be around and "controlling" and "critical" and whatever other blah blah blah he says. But your anger will fuel his negative images and you need to counter those negatves with positives....a warm and loving home, laughter, kids playing, the good stuff without hitting him over the head manipulating...so don't get out the wedding album to "just look"...

But if you have kids, INVOLVE HIM WITH THEM and let him see you lovingly interacting with them. Let him contrast the warmth and comfort of your beautiful new home (don't make it out to be an albatross b/c you'll be associated with THAT) with whatever the heck he thinks is out there...let OW and the A run its' course without you commenting anymore about it. The typical A lasts 6 months...what was the reason his last M failed? The snooping and anger will ruin YOUR LIFE so calm down...and don't think for a minute that You being calm and serene will make him think you don't care or you are condoning it. That's an excuse you want to use to stay angry...Has your anger worked? No. Has the constant carping reminded him of how wonderful you are and how much he loves being with you? NO....so
STOP GOING DOWN CHEESELESS TUNNELS....

There, that should be a good start for you...I'm very sorry you are here, but you are in the right place for this time in your life. For what it's worth, see my signature below and notice that some of us DO MAKE IT THROUGH...but it ain't easy. If it is a mid life crisis all that means is MAYBE he'll snap out of it and be mostly like he once was...but a lot of people say theire spouses are "crazy" when really they're just miserable and have been awhile, and some of us have been sleep walking through our marriages too and got complacent. Some of us brought some of this upon ourselves.

Whatever things YOU know you"own" as far as doing destructive things to the marriage, need to change now. Bravely look within and begin YOUR OWN WORK...IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO SHOW YOUR SPOUSE THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS; LIFE WILL DO THAT FOR HIM...you are to listen like a lover if you can...applaud loudly for the 1% of positive things he does or says and lose the anger at least in front of him,....those are words right out of my DB coach's mouth and they helped me more than you know. It is very hard (like Mother Teresa Hard) to do at times...OMG, I KNOW....but I had to let go of the anger even when "justified", (we all KNOW it's Justified...so what??) OR my anger and pain would ruin my life and my children's.(NOT H's)...and keep in mind if you do have kids that you are modelling for them (they are watching you) what a woman of grace and dignity does when faced with a terrible blow to her heart. Does she collapse and fall apart or become a bitter hardened woman? (both types are NOT attractive and will NOT get your h back)
No, you are a woman who will always (from now on) be calm in the face of betrayal, serene in knowing that although she was a flawed woman, she faced her own faults and corrected them and found grace and peace within and at some point when your h sees all this and has his doubts and OW starts whining and needling and making demands...you will be the one he wants....and if not, you're still a woman who "didn't lose her sh--"...

(I found Marianne Williamson's books on "Handling Anger" VERY helpful, and "The Gift of Change" also. I put them on my IPOD and took long walks listening to her).

If you can afford it, and you really probably can, get some DB coaching appointments ASAP as they are very specific and for ME AND US more helpful than MC (even though I LOVED our mc and h eventually did like the guy too) but DB coaches are specific and you need that now. I saw several MC's some with h and some not. Went on meds at one point, for sleep mainly but also to keep myself from yelling at him, worked out, Got A Life (GAL is a word you'll see here a lot and YOU MUST DO IT NO MATTER WHAT), joined things, made NEW friends, became interested and interesting, and started moving on in my life... Then h started calling more and the rest is history...still being made.

Good luck,
( j )