PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Everyone, thanks for thinking of me.

I have had a good week.

I had two counselling sessions, one with IC and one with DB Coach. They are very encouraging.

My IC said that he thinks I have made a lot of progress on myself. That part of the problem with H is that his childhood was not ideal therefore he expected A LOT out of me to give him happiness. Expectations that I was not aware of. That OW now is giving him his 'fix' but later he will realize that will come down a bit as well and he will be where he started. My IC is glad that I have not given up on my M, I told him about my plans to go ahead and start the work on moving back home. I told him I have not given up but cannot heal while I am here watching his infidelity and listening to lies and thinking of the betrayal. He thinks that H being inconsistent with the kids is more detrimental to them than having their dad nearby so he supports my move. So overall I feel, finally my IC is on the same page as me and we agree. I feel his support and he is still pro-M. He said he can't promise where it means for H but he is hoping that H will start to see me as an option once again.

My IC could not believe that my H would say 'I have to think about it' when asked if we could get back together. My IC thought H would have said 'no'. I was surprised as well since I was convinced that he was out of the M. So the old saying is correct, 'Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.' Don't lose hope DB'ers out there! Keep plugging along. Especailly those who are new at this, sometimes our WAS speaks out of fear and just want an escape, give it some time and reflection and things MIGHT look differently after awhile.

My IC told me that in his practice two couples this week reconciled!!!!! It was such good news. I felt so good for them. What hope!

So I have been filled with hope lately, I am more determined than ever to keep at it. Persistance is my gift. I don't have many natural talents but I know I can be persistent and that is part of the secret to success. Successful people can only depend so much on talent and luck, the rest is hard work and persistence. I intend to give it my all.

As for DB Coach, she was fantastic. My H has a hard time making any decisions large or small. So she suggested that I plan what I want to do, then invite him along and give him a deadline for RSVP and then say 'If I don't hear from you by then I will just assume that you can't make it.' And then I will have to be OK with him not attending. I tried it out and it worked a like a charm. He responded and I didn't feel like I was forever waiting for him to make a decision, not making plans and not enjoying my life and moving forward. Because it happened so much in the past few years that I felt I could not plan any interesting activities and felt I was missing out. Then I slowly but surely started resenting H for never committing to any fun activities and not making decisions and all of my life revolved around him and his work. Now I plan things for me and if he wants to join in, he can. If not, then I can still do what I want. It takes the pressure off him and I can enjoy life without forever waiting around for him.

It's such a good technique, I wish I had learned this years ago. But I am so glad DB Coach is in my life and giving me this advice.

I am not pursuing H. He is visiting his Mom and the kids called him up but I didn't talk on the phone. I know he has a lot to think about and I won't rush him. I telling myself that I am going to be OK with whatever decision he makes, whether he comes back or not. I think I am detaching in a healthy way and not have my happiness depend on him so much. It's a good feeling.