Hi everyone. I'm not sure if I am doing this correctly or whether I should be posting my own thread but I am so anxious to get some feedback. Its long, so please bear with me.
I'm 36, H iS 45. H seems to have all the symptoms of classic MLC - new flashy vehicle, new clothes, new diet, weight loss. Intuition and H's strange behaviour sent me snooping. Found some graphic e-mails a few months ago which would strongly suggest H involved in affair. I immediately confronted H who claimed that it was harmless. H was outraged that I invaded his privacy and said it was a gamechanger.
Since my discovery H started coming home later and later, out constantly at weekends and returning in a.m. Things he never did before. Started to only state he was "going out" but gave no details. Would try to reach H on phone and calls ignored even at midnight. This only made me angrier because he did not even check to see whether there was an emergency.
When I pressed him to discuss the issue he said I was always controlling, that ours had been a sexually and emotionally starved relationship for most of its life (together 13 years)and that he had had enough. He was unsure what he wanted and begged for time to consider his options without my constant questions. He knew that he definitely did not want counselling.
I found it hard to keep my cool especially when he was coming and going at all hours and not saying who he was with or where he was going. I told him that he would have to decide whether he was married or single and that I would not tolerate this kind of behaviour. I constantly began pressing him for an answer when he clearly had none. He said I was "stressing him out" and kept begging for space. I could not stop this behaviour although he told me it was driving him away. I was so angry, hurt, needed answers.....so I lectured, cried, begged, texted, emailed, snooped some more. I knew it was counter productive but just could not stop.
Anyhow, four days ago he said he didin't feel the same anymore and that he didn't think we could regain our footing.That he had felt too many years of disatisfaction and realised that life was slipping away and that he is getting older. Held out no hope for change.
I did not act gracefully and exploded in anger which was wrong since he was finally giving me an answer. We moved into a new home late last year around the time this OW thing seemed to have been in its infancy. I am very angry at the thought that he allowed us to make this costly step when he should have known he was not happy. Especially with the economy the way it is now. Asked point blank if he wanted a D and he said had laid out his position and that would make my choice but he "supposed" that it would come to that.I said that given how he felt D seemed to be the only option.
I am now regretting raising the D word because in all our arguments he has never raised it. I have done so in anger and fear. This is his 2nd marriage.
I have now retreated into a cordial silence since his declaration. We slept in separate rooms for the first time. I think it best if I do not speak to him about our M or mention the word D. I am the one who would like our marrige to be saved but there are big changes that we both need to make if we are to have a chance. It could never proceed the way it was in the past because I know that the R was getting stale and that we were growing apart. I am praying and seeking guidance on working on my changes while praying and observing to see whether this OW r/ship will run its course and whether he seems to be changing.
Does anyone have any practical advice as to how I may quietly try to rekindle his interest in our M and to show him that I can change my controlling and impatient behaviour? His mind seems pretty made up but I know that things can and do change so I am realistically positive. At this stage I do not intend to take any action to terminate our M and feel certain that he will not do so in any hurry.
Problem is that he tries to spend as little time as possible in my presence probably because for the past few months all I have done is question, cry, yell etc. Even I don't want to be around me like that! So obviously my behaviour changes and I "become still" for the time being but what else can I do? My inner voice says do nothing, just be.
I appreciate your replies because I realise that you have been thorugh this and maybe can say what works for you. Thanks!
