Good question. I know it would be good for the LBS...it would be part of GAL'ing and that's always a good thing. For the WAS, I guess it could go one of two ways. One, it could force some realisation of what they are doing and what they are losing and make them want to really try to work on the R. Or, they could see it as you moving on with your life without them and that you don't want them in it anymore so they move farther away from you. I guess there could be a third choice and it would just piss them off. Really is a complex question and I'm sure every situation would have a different response.
So today has been another somewhat stressful and distant day with W. She was out last night (again...never know where she is staying) and called on her way to work this morning. The call woke me up and when she asked how I was doing I just replied that I was sleepy. She asked about D3 and I told her she was fine just missing her mommy some the night before. I then told her that when I picked D3 up from school yesterday they told me they are having a spring singing event Friday afternoon at 5pm. W blew up on me about not telling her sooner and all. I replied with I just found out yesterday afternoon and I didn't see or talk to you last night and this was the first chance I had. Guess I could have sent her a text with it the night before but honestly it doesn't matter since she has to work Friday while it is going on. She sent me a text later apologizing and saying she was upset because she was going to miss it. I told her I knew it was hard because she wanted to be there and that I would record it for her and asked her what she wanted me to use to record it. She then said that her mom had sent her an email and that she wasn't sure how to take it. I asked what it was about and got no response. I'm curious as to what it was because I don't know how her parents are taking all this. I know they like me but I don't know if they would be pressuring her to try to work things out or pressuring her to go see a lawyer. I guess I shouldn't dwell on it because I have no way to find out until W decides I should know. W is working tonight so I'm sure she will stay out so I probably won't physically see her until Saturday at the earliest. It sucks because I do miss her. I know she went to look at apartments yesterday and don't know how that went so she could possibly be moving out at the end of the month. That is really going to suck for awhile as I'll be in the house alone. I'm sure that will weigh on me for awhile but I have to face up to it. I think I'm going to do some painting and rearrange everything after she moves out to take up some of the alone time and to make the place more mine. Has anyone else ever done this? I think it will make me feel better but it may make me think more about her being gone.
Yes, do the painting and rearranging. Make changes that YOU want to do for yourself. I think it will have the same effect as buying yourself new clothes -- it'll give you small accomplishments.
I think I'm going to do some painting and rearrange everything after she moves out to take up some of the alone time and to make the place more mine. Has anyone else ever done this? I think it will make me feel better but it may make me think more about her being gone.
I haven't done it, but EVERYONE says it's a good idea, and EVERYONE I've ever seen who DID do it, reported how much of a difference it made for their own self-esteem. FWAWs even have reported on these boards that it made a huge difference for them when they saw that their LBS had made changes to their home!!!
Well, once she moves out I think I am going to do some painting, remodeling, and making the place more mine. I think it will be good for me and plus the W and I had planned on moving more outside the city in a couple of years and I still plan to do that so this will help get the place ready to sell. Today was an ok day. Work is still pretty stressful but I think I have a handle on that and tomorrow should be fairly normal just in time to roll into the weekend. Text msg'd with W a little this morning about nothing really in particular. She had her IC today and called me after and said it was productive. She didn't tell me anything about what productive meant and I wasn't about to ask. She has D3 tonight so I'll be hanging out at a friends house for the night. W had mentioned something over the weekend about going to counseling together once or twice a month so we could work on communicating better with each other and stressed the communicating...not working on our R. I said it sounded good and on Tuesday when I went to my IC I schedule an appt. for next week at a time she could make it with her work schedule. I told her about it that day and said I made it at that time in case she still wanted to go. If not it was fine because that time worked out well for me. She said she didn't know if she wanted to or not. After her IC session today she said she did want to go if I still wanted her to. Don't know what changed her mind. Also don't have a clue if this could be good or bad...really never know with her but it'll definitely be interesting.
Last couple of days have been pretty hard. Work has been super stressful this week and because of that I have missed W a lot. I miss being able to talk to her about work and stress and honestly just being with her so for the time I'm with her everything was ok. Feeling little better today now that I'm rolling into the weekend and I can relax a little and enjoy myself. Haven't really seen or talked to W since Tuesday and I do find myself wondering how she is. I know she was pretty upset last time I saw her and I do still feel for her and don't want her hurting. I will see her some tomorrow as she will come hang out with D3 before work and I'll be here too. Time to get my "as if" and PMA game face on. Actually, my mental attitude has been pretty good lately except for the stressful couple of days at work. I still feel like I'm on the roller coaster but the hills seem much smaller now. I got an email from her sister's husband today asking how things were going and that the whole family really feels for us and are pulling for us to work this out. That was pretty nice as it's the first i've heard from any of her family since this started. BIL and I though have always gotten along well and are pretty similar so I'm sure no matter what the friendship we have will stay intact. So, PMA...as if...and figure out some fun stuff for D3 and I to do this weekend. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
I feel for you DC. After hearing my W say she is scared about dating again and divorcing, she doesn't have enough respect for me anymore to consider me a viable option in her life any further.
I cried last night - the first time in almost a month.
We hold out hope and work hard on 180s, PMA, (not sure what the "as if" is so I'm probably not doing that), GALing, et cetera, but the setbacks are brutal -- especially because they always seem definitive.
I feel for you NG and know exactly what you are saying. I feel like W lost all respect for me in our M and that is a pretty big reason for where we are today. I was the typical "Nice Guy"...translation - doormat with her because of the fear of losing her...ironically it's probably why I did lose her. My IC has been working with me on this and reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and N.U.T.S has been a real eye opener. I've been trying to apply that and set boundaries that shouldn't be crossed as well as being open and honest about my feelings and owning them even if W doesn't agree with them or gets upset because of them. They are mine and that's what matters. I am starting to think that W is starting to respect me some again because of this and even if we keep heading down the road to splitsville I will be a much better man because of it. That is my big 180 and it feels good to be doing it. As for the "as if"...it's the "act as if" from DR/DB. Where you act as if the outcome from an action is going to be what you want when you do the action. An example would be asking W to keep the kids so you can go out for a GAL event. You can approach her with the attitude that she is going to get upset and throw it in your face or that she is going to be cool with it. If you have the positive outcome attitude then you will seem more cool and confident in the action and more likely to get the outcome you want. It's funny because I didn't really believe it would work but I have to say that in a lot of cases it does. Right now my W doesn't want to work on us or think about a R with me and still says she needs to focus on herself. You know, in a way I get that because if she isn't happy with herself then she won't be happy with me or anyone else. I may not agree with how she is handling it but I do respect what she is trying to do. The way she talks right now it does seem definitive that she is going to go her own way and cut me out of her life. It hurts. It sucks. But, I can dwell on that and believe that will be the outcome and by doing that I'll be unhappy and that outcome will most definitely come true or I can act as if we will get back together and by doing so and believing it I can be empathetic towards her and a friend while she is doing this and hopefully show her someone she wants to come back to. In the meantime I can also work on myself to be a man nobody would want to leave. That's my plan and god willing I'm going to stick to it no matter how much it may hurt sometimes.
I haven't heard of N.U.T.S. before. How is it compared to NMMNG?
As far as the "as if", I should definitely practice that more/better. Our parallels are close enough that I'll be curious to see how it works out for either of us.
I'm also struggling trying to figure out what boundaries I should set since she doesn't really treat me badly to my face but she tells others she thinks of me as a wounded dog. I get caught up in hearing such comments and react poorly (fail to maintain PMA or As If) the next time I'm around her. On one hand, I should reject hearing about her opinions to friends to maintain my PMA (and delusion, perhaps), and on the other hand it helps me to understand her primary concerns with me -- which she is lousy about communicating to me directly, as if it is old information being rehashed.
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open and honest about my feelings and owning them even if W doesn't agree with them or gets upset because of them
Well, I guess and example of that was me confronting her about my feelings of OM. Before I had been doing the classic DR move of not talking about and acting as if it didn't bother me. No more. After reading NMMNG and NUTS I decided that I can put my feelings out there and she can take it as she wants. So I told her that OM was very disrespectful to me and to our family. Told her that every day she is with him is like a slap in the face to me. She didn't like hearing that and complained about it and I just validated her complaints and told her...those are my feelings. I'm not telling you what to do but how I feel. Fast forward a week and she tells me she broke things off with OM. Now, I'm not an idiot so I know that she could be just saying that and I know that she is still in contact with him but she swears they are no longer a couple. So now if she asks me how I am I just tell her. No more dancing around it. Sometimes she'll ask (and she asks pretty much every day now how my day was and how I'm feeling). Some days I'm pretty chipper and I tell her that I'm good and having a good day. The other day she asked and I told her I was stressed about work and that my day wasn't going too well. She asked why and I told her that I was having issues trusting things she was telling me. I didn't ask her to verify anything or put anything on her...just owned my feelings. She did tell me she understood that based on what she had done. So that's how I do that. N.U.T.S is a book called Hold on to your N.U.T.S. It's similar to NMMNG and is a pretty good read. Whether any of this will change my sitch with W is unknown but I feel a lot better by owning up to my feelings and putting them out there instead of suppressing them and putting on a happy face all the time. Plus putting them out there is a serious 180 for me as during the marriage I would suppress my wants and feelings as to not upset W.
