Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

Realized the strangest thing today while talking with C.

Some of the progression of growth - moving beyond your pain happens without you even meaning it to. You are no longer "Trying" to be different, or be strong, you have grown - you are changing and you didn't even mean to.

All of a sudden (yes all of a sudden) you realize you are taking steps for YOU. You start making descions for YOU and little by little what your x or WAS matters less and less.

I realized that I am moving ahead and i have healed. And I am changing. Not that WHO I am is different but more like I am becoming more whole. I watch my x--- and he isn't. He hasn't. AND I am probably the only one who really really knows he hasn't. He is 3 different people (i can literally see it).

On one hand he is the man I loved - the father to my kids. He shows himself as kind, gentle, loving and caring. Then he is the playboy...that is the one he shows the women.. this is the one I don't know. Not at all. Then there is the "friend". What he does to get friends is employ them. YEP he surrounds himself with people that he likes..but uses his power to give them a paycheck as his bait. AND IT WORKS. This is the party fun guy....the life of the party guy. I know this one all to well. But in that. He truly is 3 different people - he will be whomever he needs to be to fit hte situation.... to manipulate the situation.... and to be honest I dont think he even knows WHO he is. But see there is the twist.. I am beginning to know who I AM.... he is still at the same place he was over 2 years ago.

I asked my C today this question. And I hope it makes sense. We were talking about some things about x. How he kinda "bates" me to give him compliments and stuff - to be the one who brings him up when he is down...and how I don't go there anymore. (which is good for me.) Anyway - I asked him this... The more a detatch the less contact we have - the less "need' there is for me in his life. The less of a connection there is.... I asked him if even in that can a marriage be restored. He smiled (as he knows my heart) and said.... "yes".

I know the answer-- and it is all on my x. Not me anymore. I dont have anger or rage anymore. Sure I have jealousy -and many other feelings. If he ever pursued friendship with me i would pursue that with him... but he is far far away from that.

So I continue to build my own life. And for today I am ok with that.