((jeff)) thank you for reading, it means a lot! I have a really good picture of what I want to be doing in 5 to 10 years. But when it comes down to WHERE this exists, or HOW to get there, I feel flummoxed. Everything is all intertwined in my mind--location and money especially, housing, opportunity, creative solitude, time for exploration, training. I am having a lot of trouble prioritizing, and feeling rather frozen/incapacitated.
((ali)) I can't believe you read the whole thing. thank you from the bottom of my heart! To answer your questions:
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Whether he still loves you, or fancies you, or regrets leaving, or views you as a potential future gf, I just cant tell. As yuo dont mention anyting about longing looks, or flirting etc, I take it you arent really picking up any vibe and you cant tell either?
It's hard for me to tell, but I think it's OK. The feeling is different than before--instead of him Acting As If everything was normal when at least I was scared sh!tless (first meeting), or him being anxious and distracted while I pretended that I was calm (second meeting), or him being calm and me being super anxious (third meeting), this time we were both relaxed and open, and to me, that is a really important shift in the vibe.
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Do you not have any way of finding out if he is single, or how he is doing? No mutual friends you could find out through?
It would be easy enough for me to check his facebook page, but I don't want to. If he's with someone, it would make me really upset, and not help me in any way. I am acquaintances with some of his friends, but they are all way closer to him than me, and anything I said I think would get back to him fast. I just want to handle the information I get from him alone.
I had another thought about this too. If *I* was dating someone and in town for only 48 hours, and then going to back in town only for another 2 days later in the month, and I went to see my ex for dinner... WTF would I do that if I was dating someone? If I was dating someone and had just flown home from being away for several days, I would be in bed with my beloved or having dinner with my beloved, not having dinner with my ex.
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Its great that he is so much in touch with you, shows huge interest in your future plans, your music, your family etc. All really really nice. Where you go from here.. I dont know !?
I don't know either. I am just focusing on being his friend and getting my own act together at this point. I have wondered if his interest in my future plans is partly him wanting to know how close I"ll be to him geographically, but even when we were together I don't think he felt he had the "right" to ask me to be in the same place as he was. (Neither did I: and I think that's one of the reasons the R fell apart).
As for the email, I'm honestly not sure why he thinks I"m ready to be a rock star, because I definitely don't feel that way myself!!!!
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Is it hard saying goodbye to him each time? Personally it kills me to say goodbye to my ex.
I was so happy to see him, and that things had gone so well and that he was sorry to go, that I didn't feel sad!! I also might have a chance to see him in a month, which on my timeline, is extremely soon. I know what you mean though--before the bomb, after we had both left boston, when I had to say goodbye to him in the airport it was actually physically painful. I hated it. But that's not what I'm experiencing now.
You're welcome sunbeam. Its really amazing that email he sent you you know, I would be bowled over to receive compliments like that from my ex. You should be proud of yourself for getting this far.
I take your point, sounds like things are definetly developing and not just "more of the same".
I agree with Ali. I loved his email. The words he used, the meaning, the caring it shows. Much more important than the meeting IMO, but of course it was a result of the meeting, I am sure. I am happy you are happy. K
I was thinking today about you and just wondering... did you and B ever play together (as in your instruments ). I was just wondering if there would be any opportunity for that now, then you may get to spend a prolonged period of time with him and he gets to see your fabulousness!
Good news: I have been focusing a LOT of taking my tutoring business online. I don't know if I mentioned this, but the husband of one of my closest friends, who is a Public Relations genius who specializes in technology, offered to do a PR campaign for my online tutoring business for FREE. I have been working REALLY HARD getting my business together for the July 15th website/product launch date. I had my first "testdrive" with a *real tutoring student* a few days ago and it went AWESOME!!!! It is amazing how things are falling into place. Basically, if this works, I will be able to work from anywhere in the world, which will totally change my life, and also simplify some of my dilemmas about where I should be. I decided to really focus on this for now, because it will help me no matter where I decide to move next. I hope that in the meantime my next moves will become clearer while I am focusing on my business plan.
I flew from Atlanta to NYC a few days ago and now I'm at my chamber music festival in New Jersey. The piece I'm playing is *hard* but I feel better prepared than I ever have before. I think I played my cello for eight hours today.... 4 hours of practice, 4 hours of rehearsal... ay yi yi!!
*SOOOOO* I could use some input. I emailed B to let him know that I would be in his area back on May 8th: Dear B,
I hope you got the lease on that sweet new apartment in brooklyn with the banjo fiend, and that you have a very easy move! I am so happy for you to get out of your old place and into something better, with a better roommate too!!
Also, I wanted to let you know that I'll be in town for lyricafest and then a little bit afterwards... I get in on Saturday May 23rd and leave sometime after Sunday June 7th. It would be nice to see you if you're around.
happy spring! TRANSFORMER
Five days later he replied to me: Transformer,
Yes, I am moving to Brooklyn, and yes it is a sweet apartment! But to save money, I have a subletter moving in there right now and I don't get to live there until Aug 1. That just means living out of a suitcase for a couple months...
Let me know when you are in nyc and we can hang. Also, do you still get the New Yorker? If so, keep an eye out - I might be in a photo in there soon. If it is, it might look like this: (link)
Then I wrote him back 6 days later (I was kind of preoccupied with business stuff): Dear B,
Awesome!!! I'm so glad you got the apartment!!!! And congratulations on your write-up in the times. I like the photo! It sounds like a really cool program--I would love to hear a recording. "Fratres" [a piece he performed in the concert that was reviewed in the link he sent me] was one of my favorite Kronos [string quartet] tracks in high school, it sounds like a dream come true to actually get to perform that kind of rep. Part [the composer of that piece] is so beautiful. Was it hard to put together?
I will definitely keep my eyes peeled for your performance photo in the New Yorker. I was totally drooling over the listings in this last week's issue... the Shins, Animal Collective, Mark Morris's Romeo and Juliet, AND Osvaldo Golijov... all in the same city, in the same week. Amazing.
See you soon!
TRANSFORMER
That was 6 days ago. There has been no response... but my email didn't really require a response. I did ask him a question about one of the pieces he played, but it was not a question that required an immediate reply.
So... I guess I should email him or something and let him know that I am in the area, since that's what he asked me to do? I am going to be in New York City this friday night because one of my best friends is having her opera premiered. I'll probably stay at her place since saturday is my day off from the festival and I seriously need to take some yoga classes (my knee is feeling jacked). *But* Saturday, my day off, is also B's BIRTHDAY. ??? Loaded??? I will also be in town a few days after the festival is over. ??????
What is my next move? It would be nice to see him one-on-one at some point in the next few weeks. If he asks me to participate in some kind of group birthday celebration, should I say yes? I am thinking only if I can bring a wingwoman...?
At least I have a suitcase full of hot outfits to wear.
love, T
P.S. I also have been wondering if I should have made a bigger deal out of his super encouraging ("you are ready to be a rock star") email, since it was a pretty big step forward on his part, and all I did was say "thank you for your email, it means a lot" in a text the day after I got it and then again in an email a few days later. ???? ???????? Question marks floating over my head?
(((JULIA AND OD)))) Thank you so much for your suggestion and support, it is excellent.
To answer your question, B was always extremely encouraging and supportive to me as performer, and I'm not sure I would be where I am if I hadn't had his help and guidance. But we only played together a few times, and in sort of weird circumstances. In 2003, a few months after we started dating, my gamelan performed with his conservatory's orchestra, so we were on stage together, but both of us were part of giant ensembles. Then right before I went to Bali in 2005 he and his brother read through a piano trio with me when I visited his parents' house in California to help me prepare to play it at a festival. As a cellist, I am so much better than I used to be, but I still feel like I am not "in his league" as a performer, because he is a professional and performing all the time with all these different people, and I feel like I'm fresh out of school with "no connections" and "no experience". But it's funny, one of my friends suggested to me that to help myself decide where to move to next, I should try to go somewhere where I either love the place, or where there are lots of people I'd want to work with musically. And I was ruminating on that, and it popped into my mind that I would love to collaborate with B--not even as a DB move, just as a human artist move. Watching his solo bluegrass/improv show last summer was seriously one of the most inspiring things I've ever seen... along with my friend in nyc whose having her opera premiered, and my balinese composer/mentor friend, B is one of the people I actually already KNOW that I'd really like to work with (as opposed to people whose work I love but have never met or they are unapproachably famous). I'm not sure how it would happen, though. But it would be a TOTAL AND COMPLETE 180 FOR ME!!! And be approaching the challenge of how to connect with him from a completely different direction.
I also have a sort of crazy fantasy.... for the past few years B has spent part of the summer at a summer chamber music festival with his quartet. In august they have a 3 week mini-festival for people more my age. I have this fantasy that at the last minute they'll suddenly need a cellist and for some reason he'll suggest that they call me and then I get to go and DB him 24/7 for 3 whole weeks (and more importantly play with awesome musicians). But that is sort of a weird fantasy because it seems to involve some element of "turf invasion" and is also dependent on multiple factors beyond my control. It would probably be a lot easier just to ask him to write a song with me or something. The funny thing is that I always fantasized of having a partner who also created with me artistically/musically, but I think you have to be CRAZILY well differentiated to pull it off. This would be an amazing goal though.
It's also possible that I could just do something really amazing on my own musically and then he might want to be part of it because it was so awesome. I think Essie suggested something along these lines a while back.
). I was just wondering if there would be any opportunity for that now, then you may get to spend a prolonged period of time with him and he gets to see your fabulousness!