I just saw H at a school event for my kids and I was prepared for him to be a little more stand offish after we connected so much yesterday. Well, he made a point of telling me about a celebrity friend of his who is advising him to just move forward, no guilt etc. and he is gonna have a drink with him because he's been through it (left his first wife for another woman) and I just couldn't deal. I finally told him I really can't hear about superstars who are giving him advice and helping him "move on"...he said "you know, let's just skip breakfast" (which he had told the kids we would have together), yes, punish me for setting any boundary, right?
Setting boundaries with a WAS is for you and you only. If you dont care to hear about how he is being advised and what his friends are telling him to do then its perfectly acceptable to let him know you are not interested and its a boundary he must accept. And remember, acceptance doesnt mean anybody has to agree, it must means they accept things for how they are.
Of course the WAS doesnt like having boundaries set. They would much prefer to call all the shots and control the situation. The person that cares about the R the least is the one that controls it. So any boundary you set with a WAS is for you and you only. If the WAS doesnt like it, tough. You can set boundary in a calm, polite and firm fashion and do it with a smile.
Setting boundaries was difficult for me for a long time because I feared it would push my H further away. Then I realized not setting boundaries was only hurting me because it allowed my H to continue doing as he pleased w/o any consequences.
One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to tell my H he was no longer allowed to come over. But when he did come over he would always tell me "I can see you for a few min. but then I have other plans" and those other plans were to be with OW. And that was not okay with me. So I curbed that. And for one year I only saw my H 5 times. And that was sad but it was much better than being "sloppy seconds" and getting a few min. of his time when he was bored enough or when he could squeeze me in between OW. That boundary was for me and me only. It helped me take charge of me and my life and my emotions.
I would have smiled brightly at your H after he said "lets not go to breakfast" and said "ok, no problem!" and acted cheerfully and just fine. You have to show the WAS that they just cant effect you in any way. That either way you will enjoy breakfast if he is there or not.
My son came up and said let's go to breakfast so we stuck with the plan and I told him that I respect that he has the right to do whatever he wants with his life but it is too hard for me to hear about this stuff. And, we moved on. But it was weird and honestly,
If this comes up again I would refrain from using the word respect because my guess is you dont have much respect for him right now. I would simply say... "H, I accept you are doing what you feel you need to do for you but I would prefer not to hear about it anymore". Leave it at that, say it in a strong and kind fashion then drop the subject and move on. Avoid telling him "its hard" because that will simply fuel the power trip he is on. When people say "its hard" it is a sign of weakness and if the WAS sees weakness they will use it to their advantage.
I also think when the LBS keeps telling or showing the WAS how hard things are, it pushes the WAS away because they feel some measure of guilt about making things so hard. And once that guilt starts, even if they dont show it, it just puts up a higher wall that is harder to break down. And, weak people are not attractive.
Show your H you can handle anything and do so by setting firm boundaries in a way that is filled with confidence, firmness, kindness and self respect. Do so with a cheerful smile as if its the easiest thing in the world for you. He might just wonder "what changed" and if he doesnt, at least you dont have to listen to hurtful BS anymore. The benefit of setting boundaries is two fold - you shield yourself from unfavorable behavior by a WAS and you change the dynamic of the R and show you do have personal power and you plan to use it with a smile!
