Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I called the number for UNT counseling and left a voice mail.
I woke up really missing my W this morning. I guess its part of the roller coaster. I need to reread my posts now.
I told D11 this morning I miss her mommy. She didn't say anything and I probably shouldn't have said anything.
D7 has a birthday party to go to at 3 today. W sent me a text reminding me.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
When you are well enough there's a workshop I hope you'll attend for personal growth. I went long ago for issues related to my father's drinkng but it helped so much as a wife that my h went later on and we really got a lot out of it and I hope we go back this summer for our anniversary. It's been 20 years...BUT it was a tough one b/c we had to bravely look within...however,
at that workshop I met a woman who's older brother died in a car accident on HER 16th birthday going to HER party...and then her 5 y/o son was diagnosed with aggressive diabetes, and I kid you not, then her 1 y/o daughter DIED of a lung infection. Her baby girl DIED in her arms....That woman was at the workshop with me and had so much PEACE within her that to this day, I think she's the most inwardly content person I have ever met. I thought her view of life would be wrecked like yours is. HER PAIN FRIGHTENED ME...And in a moment of grace or rudeness, I shared that with her and she was totally open to me.
Kevin, I don't want to hijack your thread, but 25, could you provide more information on this workshop that you attended that was so helpful? It sounds like it may be helpful for me, and other LBS's here. Thanks!
Hopefully it's okay with the moderators...so...here goes...
The workshop is called Essential Experience. It is NOT a cult (you don't have to get naked or carve letters in your forehead). I don't get money for "recruiting". Though it was very spiritual for me, no specific creed is shoved down your throat. It's now based in Philadelphia and the east coast, but there are "graduate" workshops elsewhere. It is for personal, individual growth and being a good community member, but as a result, most marriages improve. A lot. I originally went for issues related to my father's drinking and how my childhood affected my life as an adult and to get clarity in my life. It changed my life. I had no idea how many things would improve as a result and I am convinced that I knew nothing of forgiveness until I went there. I am convinced I would not have opened my heart or mind to that in my M, but for the fact that h and I had attended it years ago. (He also wants to go back for our anniversary which is a brilliant idea and feels really good to know.) Because of that workshop, when my father was on his deathbed, he asked me to forgive him. (This was about 5 years after I had attended). I told him "you are forgiven" and I meant it. Probably the holiest moment of my life. I would not have been able to mean it, and do it, were it not for that prior work.
Forgiveness is a process and I had done the work as far as I knew. But in that moment, I knew it was truly done and that something spiritual for my father and me, had happened. That's where I met that friend who'd had so much bad stuff in her life yet was so inwardly content. BTW, her PARENTS later attended it and I was there to see it, and I have to say, I was really impressed to see growth in people that age and how close the family was. Dang...
It is about personal work and taking charge of your own life, & it is very consistent with MWD's view that when we change ourselves,our world's change too. I saw a woman who's h had cheated on her and that was pretty much her ISSUE...the first night she went on and on about how he ruined her life, and what a "S---" he was, and how everyone she'd meet would know within 15 minutes, that her h had cheated on her. (Don't we ALL recognize THAT behavior?)) She did not seem to like her life or herself much at that moment. At the end of the workshop, she said "I'm ready to bury my hatchet with LIFE," and she did. All I know is that when I saw her next, maybe 5 or 6 years later, she had opened an art gallery, remarried a very loving man, and started hosting support groups that sprouted out of the workshop ( which helps you STAY on your program or action plan) and all this was because of a change in viewpoint and resolution of baggage. Learning to put it DOWN. Other people saw their spouses so differently, they woke up! Stayed married! If your M is "the" issue, ask the conductor or group leader about going separately, versus together. I don't know how often they have them but it's not every month for sure.
ANYHOW If you think of life's trajectorys, then mark some changes that are small and incremental AND then "chart" them like in geometry. Just change a few degrees in an angle, and draw out the line from where you were and headed, to where you THEN will be, simply b/c you make some incremental, but consistent changes, & you'll be in a very different place. It's about how to let go and get an action plan.
Some folks want the privacy of one on one and ONLY want that and I get that. But there is a lot to be said for community support and learning to GIVE and reach out and get perspective. So there's that. No one forces you to do or say anything. FOR ME, Sometimes in individual therapy, I'd get an insight or have a breakthrough BUT then I'd have to go back to work or home and "Function" as if I had not just been crying. And it was sort of disjointed, although I LOVED my t. It's just better for some, to work things out all in a row and plow through it in a safe place. Lots of issues get looked at (and you can't BS the speaker), I got CLARITY. Living a life of Intent...I cannot recommend it highly enough. It is not cheap, but considering the hours you'll get of "therapy" it's actually pretty cheap. Plus, if it does half of what it did for me, you cannot spend your money more wisely. It's 4 days. For me, it was the most efficient way of dealing with issues & we formed a support group with other "graduates" in our geographic area, with which we could carry on our new lives. Since it's quite consistent with DBing I hope this is okay to post. Not sure why it would not be, But there, "non-sales" pitch over.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I called the number for UNT counseling and left a voice mail.
Very good!
I woke up really missing my W this morning. I guess its part of the roller coaster. I need to reread my posts now.
It is part of the roller coaster but remember, you do have the power to control the roller coaster on your end. When you start having those feelings of missing your W you at once need to do something different. Occupy your mind and body with something else right away. Redisover all the momentum and strength you had last night and keep on truckin'.
I told D11 this morning I miss her mommy. She didn't say anything and I probably shouldn't have said anything.
Yes, bad move. Dont do it again. IMO all that does it put burden on your daughter. She is dealing with the separation in her own way and to have to know and hear that you are struggling adds extra burden to her. You need to present yourself to your daughters as a strong, confident man and not get them tangled up in your emotions. Plus, if your daughter repeats that back to your W it will look very manipulative and it will only add to your W's guilt and she will retreat further away.
When you want to express an emotion and you arent sure its appropriate wait 24 hours before you say anything. That way you can realy evaluate if its best to just keep quiet (it usually is).
D7 has a birthday party to go to at 3 today. W sent me a text reminding me.
You screwed up, it happens. Just move on. It will make her worry unnecessarily, but at least she knows that you still love her mom, and miss her. So it could have been much worse. And I think that she probably knows how much you miss her mom, kids arent as oblivious as we would hope!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I did not respond to the text message. I wanted to. But I did not.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
don't ever tell your kids about YOUR NEEDS again. What on earth can THEY DO about it? NOTHING....except feel crappy and tell her... Re-read the selfLESS post you wrote earlier. Your kids are not here to comfort YOU, you are here to comfort THEM... What's wrong with answering the text with a "got it, thanks"?? End it then. She's giving you a heads up and MAY want to know you got the message BUT if your d's have cells, let THEM tell her you got the message. Or have them use yours and say "dad got the message"...
Telling them you miss their mommy is a really lousy thing to do TO THEM...Jesus, Kevin...
You put your needs ahead of them again. . This is getting SO old...just when you START to come out of your ego and neediness, you climb right back into it.
I still wondered about the whole thing with your mom's death day. I understand how sad that was but I called MY SIBLINGS AND MOM....you did NOT call your brother or family when your mom's death anniversary came up, instead of calling them to SHARE their grief with yours, you called w to fill your needs.. COME ON...and once again, now, (can I hear an "AMEN"??) 24 HOURS WITHOUT MENTIONING HER....I think this will be the last time I ask you to do this b/c it is too weird and crazy for you not to be able to do it...I'm flummoxed. At SIXTEEN years old, I COULD DO THAT...so, STARTING NOW....3- 2 - 1 -0 now. Begin!
No more of the same stuff...please...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
