Thank you all for checking in on me. I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long!! It's update time!
A few days after my last phone conversation with B, I emailed him to let him know I'd be in NYC, because that seems to have worked in the past (as opposed to phone/text):
Dear B,
I hope you had fun at the birthday party and got some good rest after your super intense weekend ! A YI YI IIIIII!!
Thanks again for sharing your decision making tools such as: a) drool, b) pretending that time does not exist, c) stumachs, d) contemplating lost season five. (Maybe I could get some of that truth serum from the man who lived in the teepee to help me make my decision). You are so helpful!
I forgot to tell you I'll be in NYC Saturday April 11th til Thursday April 16th. It would be great to see you if you're around!
Also, i thought you might want to hear this: [link to gamelan piece] It is "salju" (snow) by alit [the balinese composer I have worekd with]... the recording is really quiet on my computer, your speakers would probably make it way better.
TRANSFORMER
The next day he emailed me back:
It's sounds like the snow is falling in the sky, then the background reminds me of old school computer electronic lights, and then it has that jam section in the middle. I forgot how different gamelan sounds! You must miss that a ton - there is nothing like it that I can think of...
I'll be in town from Apr 14 - 16. Let me know when you can get a drink/meal and maybe we can meet up. See you soon!
I thought it was nice that he took the time to listen to the piece I sent him and describe his reaction to it.
Two days later I wrote him back:
Dear B,
I like hearing your response to the music! Yes, gamelan, you are right, I miss it. For some reason the snow piece really gets me. alit is using the gamelan in a really unusal way--I think he is only using a few instruments at a time for a lot of the piece which is super unusual. He blows my mind!! One quiet soft little snowflake at a time!
Maybe tuesday or wednesday? What works for you?
Here's a little tidbit I just got yesterday from my friend XXX XXXX. She wrote it for her students...a cello rap! [another link]
Then I didn't hear anything from him for a while, so I texted him a few days before he said he would be available, basically because if we didn't plan in advance I would either not see him or blow off a friend I hadn't seen in four years. There was a rather lengthy text exchange. Finally he texted me asking me to meet him at 5 pm on tuesday at a restaurant on the lower east side called "Caravan of Dreams" and then included subway directions from every possible different subway (which was nice). then he texted me that he had band practice at 7 and I was surprised by how upset I got... that we kept seeing each other only when he had something scheduled directly after, in these tiny 60-90 minute increments. But of course I didn't say anything.
I decided that instead of doing anything elaborate and unusual with my appearance, the most important thing I could do to be my most attractive self would just be to go to yoga class, which makes me calm and centered, so I went to yoga in nYC the night before our meeting and also again the morning before.
I wore one of my most awesome outfits ever: a green knit dress, empire waist, halter, with a keyhole back, a matching empire waist v-neck long sleeved tunic on top (since it was cold--and between the tunic and the dress my shoulders were very sexily revealed/concealed), black tights, and my pink fluff momma knee high three-inches-of-fluff-all-around sheepskin boots! And my sexy black embroidered coat that I posted a while back. So really really comfortable and sexy, one of my favorite everday outfits, but with stunning footwear!
I got to the restaurant (which was all vegetarian--a thoughtful choice on his part) and then waited inside. And he was... really late! At 5.20 (20 minutes after he was supposed to be there) he texted me two slightly different texts that he was late, he had overslept his alarm, and he would be there in five minutes. He showed up wet from the rain and wearing his new tortoiseshell glasses. He gave me a good hug and apologized and I told him it was OK-- and then we sat down!
He was genuinely remorseful about being late and I was genuinely not mad, just a little concerned maybe.
I had decided in advance that I wasn't going to talk about Longy School, etc unless he asked--because it was rude, repetitive, and unattractive for me to always be talking about my dilemmas. I had compiled a list of things I could ask him about since he had talked to me about them: his family, his youngest brother thinking about transfering to a different school, and his desire to play the viola in addition to the violin. That way I could show interest without asking questions that were potentially invasive.
As soon as we sat down, he told me he should probably be late to band practice, and get there at 7.30 instead of 7. I said, "So you're in a band?" And he explained that he had formed a bluegrass band with some other people, and at first they had a ton of concerts, and then not so many recently. I didn't want to ask a ton of questions because I was worried that Asian Girl (from his solo bluegrass performance in june) might be involved and I really didn't want to know about anything having to do with her. So i just listened.
I asked him about his trip out to california. It turned out that he had flown back into NYC at 5 am that morning, slept for a few hours, gone to an orchestra rehearsal, slept for a few more hours, and then overslept when he was supposed to meet me. I didn't say anything, but I was surprised that he was willing to meet me under those circumstances--if it was me, I probably would have just said, "I'm sorry, I'm not available" instead of squeezing him into a day when I felt completely busy and exhausted.
He told me excitedly about how he had gotten the gig in california--this church director that his brother performs with frequently mentioned they were playing B's favorite organ piece for easter service and B got so excited about it that the church director offered to fly him out and make him part of the concert. So B and his brother performed as soloists with this big orchestra--it sounded awesome!
I asked about his family and his other brother, the youngest one who B asked me for advice about a while back, since youngest one was frustrated with school and thinking about transfering. B explained how things were going better, and I told him that sometimes when you're in a bad environment, if there are just a few things that are working and you focus on them, it can make everything OK. He also talked about how his youngest brother's teacher seemed to be helping him develop better focus and practicing skills and I told him how one of the biggest things I learned in grad school was that I didn't have to be in a good mood to get things done when I practiced--and in fact, when I was feeling terrible, practicing usually made me feel much better, and I wish someone had explained that to me earlier. I even said something about how when I hadn't slept in three months practicing was the only thing that would calm me down. This was a pretty direct reference to myself post-bomb and I was surprised in retrospect that I said something like that.
I jokingly asked him when he was going to buy a viola. He laughed and then said he was still trying to save up to buy a new violin bow. He'd told me a while ago that he had almost enough money to buy a new one, and I asked him if that was still the situation. He laughed and said that the money had blown away in the wind, and that the wind in New York was blowing really strong. Then he said that he was getting a lot of conflicting feedback from his quartet and also other musicians that a) he either needed to buy a new violin or b) that his sound had matured and opened so much he didn't need to get a new violin. We laughed about that too.
At some point I told him about the friends I was seeing in NY-- all of whom he'd met. How one friend's extremely annoying (and much younger than her) husband was significantly less annoying than before. And then how another friend's new boyfriend was really terrible and I hoped that they broke up soon. (I think I told him that this guy doesn't even hold my friend's hand). It was like information I would share with my best friend.
When our food came, he wanted me to try some of his soup, and pushed the soup over to me with the spoon on the dish on my side of the table. I didn't have a spoon and he seemed to want me to use his, and I was a little surprised that he felt comfortable with me using his spoon. At another point he asked me if he could have some of one of my sides (fried bannanas) in a way that was really comfortable and open.
He also told me that he was moving to a new apartment!! I didn't really ask any questions, I just listened, because again, I was like, maybe he is moving in with another woman?! But he explained how things in his current apartment with his current roommate were just never going to get better--it was never going to be a situation where he felt a sense of ownership of his place, or partnership with his roommate. He had found some studios in harlem that looked feasable, and then an opportunity came up to move in with an up-and-coming MAN bluegrass banjo player into a great apartment (with a slightly tiny bedroom for B) in Brooklyn. He told me about all the things that were great about the new apartment, and how he hoped their application would be approved. He also explained the pros of living with the banjo man: since B is into bluegrass he'd be living with an up-and-coming banjo star, so lots of opportunities to learn and network, and also, the banjo man is on tour almost all the time, so B would have a lot of time in the apartment by himself.
Then he explained at length about how he tried to be really fair in dealing with his current roommate, but how his current roommate tried to manipulate him into giving up his security deposit or staying longer than B wanted to stay. It sounded bad. I told B I was so excited that he was getting into a better situation!!
By this point it was about fifteen minutes before he needed to leave for band practice. He said he really wanted to know what was going on with my decision whether or not to go to Longy.
I told him I was supposed to decide by the next day whether or not to go, and I was probably just going to say yes and send in the deposit to buy some more time to think about it. I told him that I had tried to negotiate for more scholarship, and they had given me $1,500 more per year, but that the overall scholarship was still less than half, and I'd need to pay like $12,000/year in tuition, not including living expenses, etc, and how I just wasn't sure how to make it work without going into debt I couldn't afford to repay, or working so much while I was in school that I couldn't really focus on my education. I told him that I thought they had probably given me as much money as they could afford, and that I wasn't sure how much more bargaining leverage I had.
I told him I was still really confused about what to do, and that the more I thought about it and looked into my heart the deeper the questions seemed to go. I told him I recently realized that I'd rather, instead of going to school, just go to a building where other people were practicing and where we could support and help each other, but without having classes or grades or having to pay $30,000/year in tuition. I also told him that I recently realized that I had chosen to go to this summer festival in may/june basically because I took the path of least resistance and said yes even though I couldn't really afford it. That I was frustrated with my part in the festival, and why couldn't someone pay me to do what I was doing, instead of *me* paying to do it? Or maybe no one could pay anything, and I could do something I'd rather do? And that I didn't want to take the same path of least resistance with Longy. How I was looking at a choice between something I felt very conflicted about (Longy) and ... a giant question mark.
I could feel myself getting really agitated talking about it, and he told me that he could see that I felt the problem was bigger than I could handle, which I thought was a good observation. He told me that since he'd moved to New York, he'd felt something shift inside. It's hard for me to remember exactly what he said, but I think it was about an unshakeable confidence in his abilities as a musician that had nothing to do with the people around him. Or something. I gently asked if it was because of his quartet and the security it gave him, and he said at first he had thought that was it, but later he realized it had nothing to do with the quartet. He said that sometimes, yeah, he had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and he wished he wasn't poor, but he was confident in himself and what he could do. I was surprised by how easily he disclosed this to me. He told me that he knew that I would find what he had found too, whether or not I went to school.
When the waitress dropped the dessert menus we didn't even look at them, we were so absorbed in the conversation (this is completely out of character for me--usually I find menus endlessly fascinating). He said he was sorry to cut things short and I said, no, it's oK, you need to get to band practice!
We paid and while walking in the same direction (me to the subway, him to band practice) i asked him a few more "career related" questions and he answered them briefly because he knew we were running out of time. When we got to the subway, he said he was sorry that he had to go and I said, It's ok, it won't be the last time we talk, and gave him a good hug and turned and walked down into the subway.
The best part was just the feeling. It felt like real friendship, not like fake friendship or trying to pretend to be friends. He was really caring, and everything had a very open feeling. It was definitely the best meeting in person we've had so far, and had the same feeling as our best conversations that happened on the phone this past fall.
It was nice to see you yesterday. I want to hear what you decide to do about Longy, so please keep me in the loop.
Yesterday I wanted to tell you things that would encourage you and help you see your full potential. I'm not sure if I conveyed this. In other words, I think that whether or not you go to Longy, you are ready to be a rock star. I think you already have what it takes and I think Longy can help shape your rock-star-ness. You are in a win-win situation - if you choose to go, you will have more instruction on the cello. If you choose not to go, you will be launched into the music world and thrive because of your ability, attitude, vision, composition, and heart. Just like so many people I see here in NYC (and your dad!) - they find something they want and they go all-out for it. They thrive, they succeed, and they inspire others - not because they are better than everyone else, but because of their unique vision and passion.
Also, can you send me a link or two of what your dad is doing?
(The last line makes sense because we had talked about my dad's different music projects when we had dinner.)
I texted him back something like, "B, it was great to see you yesterday. Thanks for all your help. I sent the deposit into Longy but I still don't know if I'll go. Hope you are getting some rest."
Then several days later I actually answered his email:
Dear B,
Thank you again for this email. It really means a lot!! I promise to keep you in the loop about longy, etc.
And then included three links to musical projects my Dad has done.
So that was four days ago-- I haven't heard back from him and that's OK. Since I answered his email by text AND email, I think the ball is in his court. I'm going to be in his area in about a month, the last week of may and the last week of june, and so I'll probably let him know about that in maybe 2 weeks.
IN OTHER NEWS, one of my best friends, whose husband is a PR genius, offered to do a PR campaign for me for FREE to help me with my tutoring business. SO EXCITING!!!!!
OMG, thank you to anyone who actually read this massive update. I hope you are all having beautiful weekends!
When you pull away all of the surrounding stuff..... what do you WANT to do? What do you want to be doing in 5 years, or 10?
(Just thought I'd throw that in there.)
It sounds like you had a great meeting! And it does sound like real friendship. I think that is a good thing. Are you ok with it if that is all it ever is? That may be all he can do. But it isn't bad. Are you ready for that?
Hey T...Nice to see you back! Wow, taht is quite an update! I enjoyed reading it all.
Two things struck me.. one, that essentially your emails/phone calls/texts/meetings are more of the same.. nice, good, positive interactions, but nothing to go on, no chink or clue that as Jeff says, he wants anymore. I agree with you, that its a shame he 'squeezes' you in for an hour and not an evening, but then he sounds like a busy man, so maybe thats good that he does do that at least. But you have done an excellent job of not only maintaining contact, but gradually building on the smallest original interactions to build a genuine friendship. And its great he is still rooming with guys.
Second, the email was the most significant thing. Wow, he really really respects and rates you.. as a musician and as a person. Thats what I got from that, he really holds yuo in high esteem. Whether he still loves you, or fancies you, or regrets leaving, or views you as a potential future gf, I just cant tell. As yuo dont mention anyting about longing looks, or flirting etc, I take it you arent really picking up any vibe and you cant tell either?
Do you not have any way of finding out if he is single, or how he is doing? No mutual friends you could find out through?
Its great that he is so much in touch with you, shows huge interest in your future plans, your music, your family etc. All really really nice. Where you go from here.. I dont know !?
Is it hard saying goodbye to him each time? Personally it kills me to say goodbye to my ex.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I forgot to mention something that struck me as important:
He decided to be an hour late to band practice so he could spend more time with me. At first he said he wanted to go at 7.30 (instead of 7 as we orginally planned), and I pointed out at 7.15 that I knew he needed to get going. Then we kept talking for another 45 minutes. In the end he left at 8 instead of 7.
I actually disagree that it is more of the same. To enumerate the things I felt were different: -The overall feeling was much more open, relaxed, and genuinely friendly. The tone was completely different than our last meeting, or any of our previous post-bomb meetings. -He asked to meet me at a vegetarian restaurant called "caravan of dreams" (um... that sounds sexy to me). -He apologized twice for having to leave ("I'm sorry to cut things short"). It seemed like he wasn't just apologizing out of politeness, but that he actually wanted to spend more time talking to me. The last time we saw each other he didn't apologize at all that he had scheduled a conference call directly after our dinner meet-up. -He asked/offered to see me even though he was only in town for about 48 hours, had taken a red eye that morning, had two rehearsals, and was running on 4 hours of sleep (that he had gotten in two hour increments). Add to this the fact that he decided to be an hour late to band practice, it looks like, basically: he was making it a priority to see me. He absolutely did not have to do this. -The day after we saw each other, he sent me an extremely thoughtful email to try to encourage me more. The only thing near to this in the past was when he emailed me after our first dinner in June about 1800contacts. This time instead of being worried about my eyeballs he was concerned that he hadn't been encouraging enough to me.
Whether or not that means he wants to jump my bones, it is different than before. I am actually extremely happy to truly be in the friendship stage.
I want to celebrate what is working and what has shifted!!! At this point I am not interested in looking at what isn't yet there.
