By this point it was about fifteen minutes before he needed to leave for band practice. He said he really wanted to know what was going on with my decision whether or not to go to Longy.
I told him I was supposed to decide by the next day whether or not to go, and I was probably just going to say yes and send in the deposit to buy some more time to think about it. I told him that I had tried to negotiate for more scholarship, and they had given me $1,500 more per year, but that the overall scholarship was still less than half, and I'd need to pay like $12,000/year in tuition, not including living expenses, etc, and how I just wasn't sure how to make it work without going into debt I couldn't afford to repay, or working so much while I was in school that I couldn't really focus on my education. I told him that I thought they had probably given me as much money as they could afford, and that I wasn't sure how much more bargaining leverage I had.
I told him I was still really confused about what to do, and that the more I thought about it and looked into my heart the deeper the questions seemed to go. I told him I recently realized that I'd rather, instead of going to school, just go to a building where other people were practicing and where we could support and help each other, but without having classes or grades or having to pay $30,000/year in tuition. I also told him that I recently realized that I had chosen to go to this summer festival in may/june basically because I took the path of least resistance and said yes even though I couldn't really afford it. That I was frustrated with my part in the festival, and why couldn't someone pay me to do what I was doing, instead of *me* paying to do it? Or maybe no one could pay anything, and I could do something I'd rather do? And that I didn't want to take the same path of least resistance with Longy. How I was looking at a choice between something I felt very conflicted about (Longy) and ... a giant question mark.
I could feel myself getting really agitated talking about it, and he told me that he could see that I felt the problem was bigger than I could handle, which I thought was a good observation. He told me that since he'd moved to New York, he'd felt something shift inside. It's hard for me to remember exactly what he said, but I think it was about an unshakeable confidence in his abilities as a musician that had nothing to do with the people around him. Or something. I gently asked if it was because of his quartet and the security it gave him, and he said at first he had thought that was it, but later he realized it had nothing to do with the quartet. He said that sometimes, yeah, he had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and he wished he wasn't poor, but he was confident in himself and what he could do. I was surprised by how easily he disclosed this to me. He told me that he knew that I would find what he had found too, whether or not I went to school.
When the waitress dropped the dessert menus we didn't even look at them, we were so absorbed in the conversation (this is completely out of character for me--usually I find menus endlessly fascinating). He said he was sorry to cut things short and I said, no, it's oK, you need to get to band practice!
We paid and while walking in the same direction (me to the subway, him to band practice) i asked him a few more "career related" questions and he answered them briefly because he knew we were running out of time. When we got to the subway, he said he was sorry that he had to go and I said, It's ok, it won't be the last time we talk, and gave him a good hug and turned and walked down into the subway.
The best part was just the feeling. It felt like real friendship, not like fake friendship or trying to pretend to be friends. He was really caring, and everything had a very open feeling. It was definitely the best meeting in person we've had so far, and had the same feeling as our best conversations that happened on the phone this past fall.
