Hi peace-
I'm not sure I qualify as an oldtimer (certainly not a wise oldtimer anyway) but I'll weigh in on your question....

My answer is that there really is not one cookie cutter answer to your question. Just like everything with MLC, everyone's journey through is different. Some make it to the other side and some people just get stuck. I've seen people close to me go through it as a child, a young adult and now (I hate to say it \:\( ) as a middle aged adult.

My mother had a crisis 30 years ago and barely spoke to me for 2 years while going through it. Now we couldn't be closer.

When my XH left me over 15 years ago, he was a little disconnected to the kids (they were babies) but always stayed somewhat involved. I think when he figured out that he could use them to hurt me more, he got more involved even took me to court to get more visitation regardless of the fact that they were doing just fine with the schedule they had. The court changed his 2 mid-week dinner visits to overnights. I would like to see how he would like to bounce back and forth between two house holds the way my kids have. My S eventually decided to change his schedule to alternating weeks. My XH, of course, was happy about that because he would be spending less time with me. I just wanted to do what was best for my S. My D just recently told her father that she will not be spending the night at his house anymore because the back and forth is too stressful. My XH asked her why she didn't choose his house and then he implied to her that if she lives with me full-time that she will end up having relationships that don't work out just like me. After they couldn't convince her to change her mind, XH and his wife stopped talking to her. It is still all about them. My poor D...he is treating her like he does me. In the last 15 years, there have not been very many times where XH has considered what is in our kid's best interest.

My H (my children's step-father) disconnected from my kids in the beginning but did not disconnect from his own D. My H is now very supportive of my kids and tries as best he can to show them that he does care. However, I do wonder sometimes if being a full-time step-parent is part of his hang up about not coming back. Doesn't really matter, it is a package deal for at least the next couple of years.

So IMO, there is no cut and dried answer. You will just have to see how things unfold as time goes on. Encourage the relationship on both sides as much as you can and listen to your kids when they need to vent their frustrations about the situation.

I hope and pray for your kids sake that your XH is able to figure out that his kids need him.

(((HUGS)))