Wow - that is tough to see I'm sure, especially when you are the one who wants it to be true as well. Something definitely to discuss with his C the next time you have an appointment. I wouldn't know what to say in that situation.
That sure is tough and you did fine in my opinion to not make it a bigger issue than it was. It is obvious that every child holds on to the hope that their parents will get back together. As I write this, I realize that the hurt my daughter has experienced is the only issue that gets me riled up. You are doing great BBJ. There is no road map for what you are living. It sounds like you are doing great with the no phone calls etc. On the other hand you are still struggling with some other stuff. Like the party and the gift. It is not easy to detach. It is difficult to put myself in your shoes but I do not think I would have thought twice about getting my own gift and I would definately not have my W's family over at my house for any occasion. But that is my take.....my sitch. I would let my W plan her own stuff on her own side. Putting his belongings in a box and hosting a party for his side of the family at your house just does not jive in my mind....but as usual I may be missing something.
The party thing was planned ahead of time, Sydney specifically wanted her 3-yr-old cousin (SIL's D, they are 6 weeks apart in age and best pals) to come to HER house to play for her birthday. By August (Nathan's bday), it will be up to Dan to host his own parties for the kids with his family, which probably means his mom will host them...
I made the 'executive decision' NOT to make a point with the gift or being overt about our separation during the party. The party is for Sydney. It should be about Sydney. I can distance myself from Dan's life after we have this party....my nieces (3, 13, 16) have no idea we are separated and I don't want to share that with them in the middle of a party.
Sydney is on day 3 of being sick. Fever was up to 103.7, now it is 99.9. She has no real symptoms except fever and bouts of fatigue/crankiness. She slept for several hours yesterday. Doc's biggest concern is she only drank about 8 oz yesterday and ate very little. They don't care about the eating but if she can't drink 16 oz today they will want to give her IV fluids.
Things with Dan suck right now. Everything feels wrong. Although FG once said if it feels wrong, it is probably right? B/C what I was doing wasn't working...
Saturday night after everybody left I told him I was pissed at him. I said a couple of other things first, I forget now...mostly just that I felt he had lied to me and strung me along saying he "didn't know how to do this without me" and things like that when all the while he had no intentions of reconciling.
That when he came back last fall, he wrote in my anniversary card (which said "The only remedy for love is to love more")--"Bobbi that is so true, it is your love that got us through this far and it is my love that will keep us going strong together".
I said b/c you made promises I allowed the kids to see us together again, I told them we were together again, let them think it was real and now they are angry at me b/c I am a liar and I am a liar b/c you made me one...And I am pissed at you b/c you are the reason my kids are hurting and upset with me.
He said he had been pissed for a couple of years...then he said 1)I HAVE seen that you have changed, you are different 2)I still DON'T know how I will do this without you
I said it really didn't matter anyway he had made his decision. That I really didn't want him on the Disney trip with me but now the kids knew he was going so it was too late. I don't want them getting more ideas b/c we are on this family trip...
Anyway I can't remember much more. But it was the first time I have let him know that I am angry with him rather than sad, disappointed, needy, etc. I think part of what set me off was he wanted to take his BIL over to his house after the party to look at his roof. BIL is a contractor and would help Dan re-roof it. Well my 17 yr old niece was riding with BIL. I asked Dan if she knew yet that he had his own house. He said no. I said what is she going to think? He said he would tell her it was just a house he was fixing up to rent. I said are you thinking you can just avoid ever telling your family/friends?? He said I don't want to tell them now... That is what pissed me off, he is trying to live two lives so everything is easy for him and I have been letting him.
Well Sunday we went to church, he met us there. That is where we first noticed Sydney was getting sick, she wanted to lay down all through church. Anyway it was raining badly and when we got home, Dan disappeared for 20 minutes. He came in soaking wet. He told me the downspouts were plugged, so he climbed a ladder in the rain, cleaned out my gutters, straightened the downspouts, etc etc.
Oh, and Saturday he got to my house before the party (I was out running errands, getting balloons, etc), when I got there he was vacuuming the whole house, then he cleaned the kitchen table, and had changed 3 lightbulbs that had gone out...And he said something about how "we need to refinish the kitchen table". WTF we, it is going to be my table and my problem.
Sorry for venting so long I have just had it with him. Why does he do all of that crap when he has no intentions of coming back. It just irritates me and confuses the kids.
The other reason I am pissed besides that he is making me a liar to my kids, is that they are so confused.
Yesterday sydney was sitting on my lap playing with the string on my pj pants. She asked, out of nowhere "Where are daddy's pajamas?" I said, "At grandma and papas". She said, "Where does daddy sleep?" I said, "At grandma and papas". She said, "I want daddy to sleep at our house." Then later she said, "I want daddy's house to be purple. Are you coming to daddy's house with us? You have to live there too...."
I don't blame you for your anger one bit BBJ. It's a horrible thing that Dan is doing to the kids.
IMO, and please take it for what it's worth, you are going to have to be the adult here and cut the last ties. Flat out tell Dan that he can't be at the house "helping out" because it hurts the kids. He needs to see the kids on his time, at his current abode, and not join you in family activities anymore. That is too confusing for young children. He made his choice, now he gets to live with it.
Frankly honey, you are letting him cake eat. He will never realize it so don't expect any change on his part. He is getting everything he wants without any consequences whatsoever because you are allowing it. It's hurting you, it's definitely hurting the kids, and it's keeping the status quo for Dan.
I know it isn't what you really want, but there really is no other way to help the kids get through this. Separate is separate. Finito, the end. If Dan works through all of his crap and the emotional abuse he is heaping on you (it is abuse BTW - passive agressive type) and you are still in love with him and willing to allow him back into your life then maybe that can happen. I don't see it happening while he is living these two lives.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you are hurting so much from this and Dan's crap is really pissing me off for you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I am with Mish on this. I have been doing the same thing and it really blew up in my face this past week. However, the kids finally got mad at Daddy, not me, so at least I am not the liar in my sitch, he is.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I said, "At grandma and papas". She said, "Where does daddy sleep?" I said, "At grandma and papas". She said, "I want daddy to sleep at our house." Then later she said, "I want daddy's house to be purple. Are you coming to daddy's house with us? You have to live there too...."