I met with my IC yesterday. I talked about my internal struggles with coping with my situation. This included difficulty with having ill will, being preoccupied, and confused. It included not knowing to what extent I should be setting boundaries. It included not knowing when I should pursue a D, or bring it up to my W. It included what are the boundaries involved in cultivating relationships with others in the dance community. I made an indirect reference to some of the concerns others in the MLC community have that I'm tolerating too much.

This is my understanding of what my IC replied. He believes that most people would have left the M by now. He thinks that my staying is/was a reflection of my own issues (dependency, self-esteem, fear, poor social skills, lack of social connection).

He also believes that I have made great strides in the years since the separation, and thru the sleeping elsewhere episodes. He agrees that I need more time to grow and become stronger, and that it's too soon for me commit to the arduous task of pursuing a D. He believes that D should be pursued from a position of strength, and in a nonreactive manner.

He thinks that my W isn't aware of the changes going on with me, and will be unbalanced and threatened as I continue to get stronger. He thinks she will be surprised when one day I announce with conviction, my desire to move forward with my life.

I told him about the flirtation going on between myself and my dance instructor. He thinks it it healthy, though advises me to not go out with her on an individual basis, due to temptation.

He thinss that as more woman flirt with me, I will realize that there is ample opportunity for healthier relationships, and will want to move forward with my life. He thinks this is a legitimate reason to D, if my W continues with her sleeping elsewhere and continues to fail to work on herself, continue her version of blaming me for the marital problems, and seeks connection outside the M.

CL


Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 04/25/09 12:40 PM.
CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching