I don't know what's going on with me. I think I'm really starting to detach now. I've gone another day not checking up on his life and now really thinking about him. I was sad on the way home, but not like before. I spent a lot of time flipping through radio stations. I can't listen to music, but silence in the car isn't good either.
I have no desire to see him right now. I'm not thinking about what he could be doing (for the most part). I'm not worried about what the future may bring. I'm just content to live me life and see what happens.
Tomorrow the kids are in some sort of singing thing for school. I told him about it on Tuesday and offered him a ride if he needed it. I'm kind of hoping he's not there. I don't know why since it would be a great opportunity for me to DB and for us to spend some no pressure time in each other's presence, but I'm not really thinking of it that way. If he's there that's fine and if he's not that's fine too.
I'm really understanding that I am only responsible for myself and my children. My happiness directly relates to my decisions. My children's happiness and well being is in my control (to a point) as well. I have no control or responsibility for my H's happiness. I have no control over the choices and actions he takes in his life. Whatever he chooses he will have to live with. He is forming his relationship with his children. He will have to live with the decisions he's made regarding them.
It feels weird not to be obsessing over him. I've spent the last 4 months thinking of nothing but him and us and if he'd be coming home that it was almost a part of my daily routine. I don't know how, but I've let go of that constant need to analyze and dissect every aspect of what's happening. I may be speaking too soon, but whatever's going on is a welcome change from the puffy eyed chick I'd become.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm just kind of rambling.
Nah, you aren't rambling by any stretch of the imagination. It sounds like to me that you are finally getting "it", and learning how to detach.
Just like you, i remember when I just seemed to stop being the obsessive and mopey person, and when I started to realize that this was about me and my kids. My W will have to live with the fallout of her damaged relationship with our kids, but that is all on her. My kids need stability and a bond with a parent that they know is not going to be bent or broken.
At the end of each day, I realize that my W may or may not come back to me. At first, the thought made me sad, frightened, and lonely. Now I look at the prospect of her not coming back as something of an opportunity. I no longer want her back "at any cost". I want her back, but on the condition that she wants to work on the M and our R. I especially do not want her back if only because she is out of money or got dumped by the OM.
You are sounding really confident and sure of yourself lately, DL. Good for you!
So anything fun planned for the weekend (besides the singing thing at school)? I'm going to see about taking my kids up to Multnomah Falls (the 2nd largest waterfall in the US) and do some hiking. The wildflowers are supposed to be gorgeous this time of year!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
It takes a whole lot of focus and energy to be so miserable all of the time. That's not who I am by nature. I'm a happy, bubbly person who is always smiling or laughing. I can't let myself be Sad Sally all of the time anymore. She can come out once in a while, but she is not going to take over my life. I need to be there for my kids and show them how to pick yourself up and move forward with life even when you're heartbroken.
The kids are with their grandparents tomorrow so I'm going to use the alone time to sleep in. I haven't been able to do that in a while. I think I'll take the kids for some ice cream after the singing thing. If the weather stays nice on Sunday I might take them to the maple syrup festival that's in the next town. We've never been and it seems like it could be fun.
DL, you sound like you are doing great! It is tough to be miserable all the time. I think that its great to acknowledge that you are going to have those feelings. Theres no way around that.
I made a playlist of songs that made me know that its going to be okay. That song by jimmy eat world, In the Middle, and that one by Jason Mraz, I cant even think of what it is right now. No Woman, No Cry. I like Bob Marley telling me that every little things gonna be all right. I work down on the beach in the summer, so I would plug in the ipod and go.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Bluerain- I know I totally highjacked here but could you read my last post responding to yours (previous page)? I just saw H at a school event for my kids and I was prepared for him to be a little more stand offish after we connected so much yesterday. Well, he made a point of telling me about a celebrity friend of his who is advising him to just move forward, no guilt etc. and he is gonna have a drink with him because he's been through it (left his first wife for another woman) and I just couldn't deal. I finally told him I really can't hear about superstars who are giving him advice and helping him "move on"...he said "you know, let's just skip breakfast" (which he had told the kids we would have together), yes, punish me for setting any boundary, right? My son came up and said let's go to breakfast so we stuck with the plan and I told him that I respect that he has the right to do whatever he wants with his life but it is too hard for me to hear about this stuff. And, we moved on. But it was weird and honestly, I feel that he is falling into the "Hollywood" vortex and really frighteningly egomaniacal. My dad said he thinks he "doth protest too much" which I just said here yesterday but I don't know, it is like the value of marriage is just gone to him (except when he wants me), actually, it is me that has supported him to such an extent that he could get where he is today. Anyway, I would love your perspective.
DL- Sorry I am selfishly posting here. I need to just copy posts onto my thread so I am not all over yours.
You actually seem like you are doing really well. I am amazed how sometimes I can have such clarity and other times I just lose it. Sleep sounds like a great idea!
I just saw H at a school event for my kids and I was prepared for him to be a little more stand offish after we connected so much yesterday. Well, he made a point of telling me about a celebrity friend of his who is advising him to just move forward, no guilt etc. and he is gonna have a drink with him because he's been through it (left his first wife for another woman) and I just couldn't deal. I finally told him I really can't hear about superstars who are giving him advice and helping him "move on"...he said "you know, let's just skip breakfast" (which he had told the kids we would have together), yes, punish me for setting any boundary, right?
Setting boundaries with a WAS is for you and you only. If you dont care to hear about how he is being advised and what his friends are telling him to do then its perfectly acceptable to let him know you are not interested and its a boundary he must accept. And remember, acceptance doesnt mean anybody has to agree, it must means they accept things for how they are.
Of course the WAS doesnt like having boundaries set. They would much prefer to call all the shots and control the situation. The person that cares about the R the least is the one that controls it. So any boundary you set with a WAS is for you and you only. If the WAS doesnt like it, tough. You can set boundary in a calm, polite and firm fashion and do it with a smile.
Setting boundaries was difficult for me for a long time because I feared it would push my H further away. Then I realized not setting boundaries was only hurting me because it allowed my H to continue doing as he pleased w/o any consequences.
One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to tell my H he was no longer allowed to come over. But when he did come over he would always tell me "I can see you for a few min. but then I have other plans" and those other plans were to be with OW. And that was not okay with me. So I curbed that. And for one year I only saw my H 5 times. And that was sad but it was much better than being "sloppy seconds" and getting a few min. of his time when he was bored enough or when he could squeeze me in between OW. That boundary was for me and me only. It helped me take charge of me and my life and my emotions.
I would have smiled brightly at your H after he said "lets not go to breakfast" and said "ok, no problem!" and acted cheerfully and just fine. You have to show the WAS that they just cant effect you in any way. That either way you will enjoy breakfast if he is there or not.
My son came up and said let's go to breakfast so we stuck with the plan and I told him that I respect that he has the right to do whatever he wants with his life but it is too hard for me to hear about this stuff. And, we moved on. But it was weird and honestly,
If this comes up again I would refrain from using the word respect because my guess is you dont have much respect for him right now. I would simply say... "H, I accept you are doing what you feel you need to do for you but I would prefer not to hear about it anymore". Leave it at that, say it in a strong and kind fashion then drop the subject and move on. Avoid telling him "its hard" because that will simply fuel the power trip he is on. When people say "its hard" it is a sign of weakness and if the WAS sees weakness they will use it to their advantage.
I also think when the LBS keeps telling or showing the WAS how hard things are, it pushes the WAS away because they feel some measure of guilt about making things so hard. And once that guilt starts, even if they dont show it, it just puts up a higher wall that is harder to break down. And, weak people are not attractive.
Show your H you can handle anything and do so by setting firm boundaries in a way that is filled with confidence, firmness, kindness and self respect. Do so with a cheerful smile as if its the easiest thing in the world for you. He might just wonder "what changed" and if he doesnt, at least you dont have to listen to hurtful BS anymore. The benefit of setting boundaries is two fold - you shield yourself from unfavorable behavior by a WAS and you change the dynamic of the R and show you do have personal power and you plan to use it with a smile!
City Girl- Thanks! I don't think I actually used the word "respect" but I don't remember exactly what I said. But yes, his big issue is guilt and he has all of these people telling not to feel guilty. Doesn't guilt ever serve a positive purpose? Doesn't thinking about the affect of your behavior on other people make sense? So much of why I am working so hard here is because I know my kids are watching. You know? They compel me to try to be my best self. Anyway, I get it that the guilt pushes him away but sometimes I just want to scream, "don't you see what a cliche you are???" "don't you see that you are an insecure egomaniac who is causing so much destruction?" And now there is talk of a tattoo (guess I should head over to MLC). Oh, I was really pleasant at lunch. I'm sure my vibe was a little off but so was his and I'm human. Overall, I let it go and smiled plenty.
I agree with your post and I think I am being a real martyr. I am, as usual making life really easy for him (not initiating a legal agreement, letting him see kids and hang out whenever he wants, waiting until he is ready to move). Being completely financially dependent on him makes it tricky but sometimes I think that the only way he will know what he is losing is if he loses it. I guess, more important is me taking care of myself and my needs and not worrying about whether he "gets it". THAT is hard.
Would you be kind enough to look at my post on the previous page? This is what messes with my head. Also, I have been dreading that our 10 year anniversary is coming up and he told me months ago that he will be out of town for a fabulous event. Today he briefly mentioned that he might push the trip a week forward with no mention of anniversary. But, that would mean he would be here. I didn't really say anything because if it has anything to do with me, I don't want to scare him off. Now that I think about it, I wish I could just listen and not react even when it is painful. I have no clue why he tells me all the stuff he does. It feels like he is so uncertain and insecure and constantly wants to let me know that other people think he's right. Anyway, the one thing I've learned is that this ride goes up and down and a slip up today means nothing tomorrow. I thought 3 months ago that if I screwed up it would push him away and the truth is, we do the best we can but they have to figure their own stuff out for themselves. Honestly, it is soooo awful having the kids in the middle. That is what kills me and often makes me want to kill him (figuratively of course) .
So, he was at the kids' singing thing. His parents went and picked him up so I was there first. He didn't say a thing to me. He said nothing to me. He didn't look at me or acknowledge that I was there. I couldn't take it so I said hi to him after he was there for about 10 minutes. His parents took all of us to dinner at Mickey D's. He said nothing to me there either. It bugged me at the kids' thing, but I just focused on the kids and chatted with my mil. At the restaurant I chatted with his parents and the kids. I didn't show that anything he was doing bothered me. I talked to him like he wasn't acting like a jerk. I acted as if everything was ok and thanked him for coming out before I left first.
I hate that he can act like I'm not there and like I'm nothing. It sucks. I don't understand why he treats me like I killed his dog. I think it could have something to do with the fact that the last couple of times we've been together we've actually enjoyed ourselves. I don't know though. Maybe I just imagined all of the good stuff because I want it to happen so badly.
I seriously wish he hadn't gone. It was so much easier when I hadn't seen him for a few days. Now I feel like crap and like new daggers were driven in my chest. Yeah, I'm dramatic like that.
Sure it brings it all back doesn't it? But now you know that you can feel good, you've already done it once.
I hope that your in-laws noticed his icy attitude. In fact, Im almost sure that they probably did. Let him show everyone who he really is. I wish he wasn't there either! I remember wanting to see my H so bad, and how miserable it would actually make me when it happened.
They say that you should acknowledge your sadness and move on from it, dont focus on it and dont let it swallow you. Easier said than done, right?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I haven't been able to do that in a while. I think I'll take the kids for some ice cream after the singing thing. If the weather stays nice on Sunday I might take them to the maple syrup festival that's in the next town. We've never been and it seems like it could be fun.