Bluerain- I almost NEVER initiate contact, I am just too responsive when he does. And he does a lot. Today he picked up our kids from school (unexpectedly) and he brought them to "my" house (though he acts like it is his when he's here). He was telling me about another amazing opportunity he has and I was feeling like the cliche wife who gets dumped after 13 years just when he makes it big. And then, after he showed me some of the material he's working on, he offered me a hug. I stood on the bed because he is way taller than me and we hugged and it was the most beautiful long hug with a feeling of relief and surrender and we just stayed like that and savored it and I told him that I really appreciated the changes he's made (I forgot about all of my anger) and he asked me "like what?" and I told him some really specific things and it is all the kind of stuff I used to give him crap about not doing and I wanted to acknowledge them for some reason. We hugged for so long, it was heaven. But it wasn't a we're getting back together hug, it was a two human beings connecting and loving each other and it was just beyond perfect and we stayed there for so long. Until of course it turned sexual and then I had to let him know that I am not doing the "friends with benefits". It is so hard because I rejected him sooo much sexually when we were together and I hate being in that position. But, I don't know if he is with other women, his ring is off and I already did it a handful of times with him since he left. I just can't be full service. A
Anyway, then it got a little weird because he got embarrassed and he tried (as he does whenever we connect) to sort of play it off as a sort of mishap. And he feels bad he's giving me mixed messages and he spins. But that hug was everything and even if he does proceed with divorce, I know he is almost doing it against his own will. It sucks, his ego is so invested in following through. He has told everyone he knows and would look like an ass if he backed out. I have to be prepared for some backpedaling now and be so strong. I really don't know what is going to happen. I know it seems obvious that he'll be back but I think he may just have to do it to do it as sick as that is. He had told me that it was his destiny (yep leaving me) and that was a few months ago, but I think he still believes it.
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