I feel for you NG and know exactly what you are saying. I feel like W lost all respect for me in our M and that is a pretty big reason for where we are today. I was the typical "Nice Guy"...translation - doormat with her because of the fear of losing her...ironically it's probably why I did lose her. My IC has been working with me on this and reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and N.U.T.S has been a real eye opener. I've been trying to apply that and set boundaries that shouldn't be crossed as well as being open and honest about my feelings and owning them even if W doesn't agree with them or gets upset because of them. They are mine and that's what matters. I am starting to think that W is starting to respect me some again because of this and even if we keep heading down the road to splitsville I will be a much better man because of it. That is my big 180 and it feels good to be doing it. As for the "as if"...it's the "act as if" from DR/DB. Where you act as if the outcome from an action is going to be what you want when you do the action. An example would be asking W to keep the kids so you can go out for a GAL event. You can approach her with the attitude that she is going to get upset and throw it in your face or that she is going to be cool with it. If you have the positive outcome attitude then you will seem more cool and confident in the action and more likely to get the outcome you want. It's funny because I didn't really believe it would work but I have to say that in a lot of cases it does. Right now my W doesn't want to work on us or think about a R with me and still says she needs to focus on herself. You know, in a way I get that because if she isn't happy with herself then she won't be happy with me or anyone else. I may not agree with how she is handling it but I do respect what she is trying to do. The way she talks right now it does seem definitive that she is going to go her own way and cut me out of her life. It hurts. It sucks. But, I can dwell on that and believe that will be the outcome and by doing that I'll be unhappy and that outcome will most definitely come true or I can act as if we will get back together and by doing so and believing it I can be empathetic towards her and a friend while she is doing this and hopefully show her someone she wants to come back to. In the meantime I can also work on myself to be a man nobody would want to leave. That's my plan and god willing I'm going to stick to it no matter how much it may hurt sometimes.
