Holding onto Hope

[sandi2]

Dear Limbo,

You said,

“It is just so hard to have so much deception from a H that has previously been so direct and open. He's not the man I married, he's a MLCer that is very different. I just wonder if they ever return to "normal" again or if it's a lost cause. Would someone please pray for us tomorrow that during MC whatever we end up discussing is something that helps move us in a positive direction? I'd appreciate it.”

Do you remember me telling you that this is not the man you married? In this quote, it is as if you try to remember that, yet I believe in your heart, you continue to think and act as though he is the same man as he used to be. That will not work and the longer you continue to pursue that route, you will never be anything but miserable b/c you will constantly be hoping that one day he will suddenly change and you will see the man who loved you and married you. Now, I am a big believer in prayer, but I just do not think that you will end up discussing something that will help him that much in one MC session as you are hoping, b/c you want him to start moving in a positive direction……..and he isn’t ready to do that. Okay, so now you are thinking, “Well, Sandi is just a very negative person!” I hope not, but I am realistic and I do know that in most cases it is not that simple or easy when you have a M with a man in MLC and who is involved with another woman.

Limbo, you said you never wanted to feel that “hopeless” again, but I think it is more of a feeling of "powerless" that you are experiencing. You have given him all your power and you are at his mercy. You let him eat cake and he basically has it made until you change some things, at least in your own home, until then, why should you expect him to change?

You were talking about the boys and improving your R with them and I think that is great, but I noticed one goal and I didn’t know if it was with the boys or your H when you said more cuddling. I hope you were not talking about cuddling with your wayward husband. Also, I did not understand why he gets to stay at your home when you go back from a business meeting and why he would stay there and eat your food and sleep in your bed and have the comforts of your home when it is his turn to be with the boys. Why are you making life so easy on this man who has betrayed you and is continuing to be unfaithful to you? I said it once and I’ll say it again; you are too scared to do what you need to do. You will never get him back until you get rid of the fear and find your courage to be the woman you need to be. He will never really “see” you the way he needs to see you and he sure won’t miss you as long as things continue this way.

So, I hope this statement you made is one that you will consider very much:

I'm thinking it's time for him to completely move out and our separation to become legal in order to protect my financial and emotional interests.

However, I am not so sure that bringing this up at the C session is the right place or way to do it. This may be something that your lawyer needs to handle. Also, if you bring it up at the MC, your H may beat you to the money and make all the financial decions without you there to protect your interest. Depending on your financial assets, but I just think if it were me, I would not bring it up in the MC, in fact, I may cancel that session since it doesn't sound like it would be beneficial to attend. Might even throw your H for a mini-loop!

So, I'm wondering if that is what we should discuss in MC tomorrow rather than the R since he doesn't want to work on R anyway. There's a part of me that's terrified to even bring up the $ because I know it will just bring lies, anger and manipulation.

I would say "no" to that.

But I can't be a doormat and maybe in MC would be the safest place to bring it up? It would certainly be a 180 for me to ask for a formal separation of finances and living quarters.

I agree that you can't be a doormat, but you are letting your fear control you by admitting that it would be safer to bring it up at the MC. I do not think that would be wise at all, Limbo. MC are not lawyer nor finacial advisors. Neither are they your protectors. Get you a lawyer and get something that will keep him out of your home, change the locks and make life a bit hard on him. You have to make a life for you and the boys and if......and that's a big IF.......one of these years your H comes out of MLC (which can take 3 to 5 years for some) and you are still interested, maybe you can think about him then. If you don't take some form of protection over your finances, he will ruin you. I think he has already proven that by his new "car". Be smart, Limbo.

Sandi