Divorce looming #11

[25yearsmlc]

Worrying about buying a house or your retirement in the emotional and mental and professional state you are in, is part of the disorder you have. It's NOT "being in the now" for sure. Way down the road when the dust settles, you can address that. (But for now, you are still not able to go 24 hours without talking about her.)

I hope you get me when I say this next thing--When you complained about her not seeing or contacting you unless it's "about the kids or needing an errand done"....well Kevin, can you give us ONE OTHER reason why else she'd call you these days?

Think hard about that....why else would YOUR WIFE CALL YOU NOW??? B/C she needs a shoulder to cry on when she has a bad day? For career advice? For spiritual guidance? For companionship?

Those were things she needed from you IN THE PAST and did NOT GET...she now has no expectation that you'd fill ANY of those needs. The BEST she can hope from you, now, is that you'll help with the kids or do an errand for her. This is NOT surprising to me. It's a drag, but it's not a surprise. Surely you can see that you tellling her it's all going to be ok is more like you projecting what you wish she'd say to you...your role was not that of the comforter, I'm sorry to say. Her letter and your own words reveal that. It was honest of you to assess your past bravely, but you have to accept the consequences of those actions and stop insisting that you not pay any simply b/c you are sorry now.

You've wallowed so much for so long BEFORE THE A... You are acting as if you are down and sad BECAUSE of the A but the reality I THINK, is that you were this way long before it all happened and until you see THAT...there won't be much change in you, let alone anyone else.

We can all talk til we're blue in the face. I want to help you but like I said, to hear a guy with so FEW problems, comparatively, complain more and louder than most others, does give me pause. 10 weeks Kevin, she's wanted out, officially, for 10 weeks now.

When I felt those deep wounds and had seriously lost weight and couldn't sleep well or eat right and repeated myself to friends and did ALL The things you are doing, I read the DB books and I came here. I was desparate but my sister had told me not to become a SVON...so when I came here, I LISTENED....I LET THINGS GET THROUGH TO ME AND I MADE CHANGES IN MY LIFE AND I THANK GOD...

I cannot say the div is busted yet, b/c I'm still in reconciling and piecing, and have been for 18 MONTHS...so I've been in "piecing" for longer than you have been apart. I hope sometime SOON you'll get sooo sick and tired of being sick and tired that you'll STOP...but you need help Kevin. You are just not acting like a 34 year old man and I don't want to crush your ego. I think you have a good heart. But when you say you are "tired of feeling like this" and it's only after 10 weeks, I feel as if I'm talking to my 11 year old with her chores...

This isn't yard work, Kevin. And being hurt, as CityGirl so articulated, IS LIFE...I've had 3 deaths the past year (NOT counting 2 dear aunts) AND my mil is terminally ill, so as we go to Europe to see our d20 perform, which will be wonderful for all of us, I know mil's pending demise will be in the back of my h's head AND so will his new job starting next month AND my new job IF I get the one I applied for...if not, I'll look elsewhere. We both lost family this past year AND both of us left our jobs to be with those departing, or departed, and it cost us more money than I care to admit. If I added that up on top of how much money my h's MLC has cost us, somehow I think you'd tell me I was lucky that we had that much to Lose...seriously. So that makes you someone not that good of a friend right now. Were you always this way? I cannot believe that. How did you date anyone or have any buddies? Where is the guy who was your best man at your wedding? Do you have ANY siblings? You also glossed over God's Miracle to you and that new niece of yours...why'd you ignore that comment? Why'd you fail to note it even in a reply? To me that is SO odd...and [b]typifies what we're describing.

The Swirling Vortex Of Negativity (aka "SVON") started out as a funny word my siblings and I made up for our depressing sister, but it stuck with us and now we use it in our real lives. It applies.

You skimmed over ALL of that AND ALL the other posters who are saying the same thing. Please learn something from someone here. You said I really helped you and I appreciate that comment. But Kev, I don't see it. I feel like I'm watching someone telling me a few things they think I want to hear, but doing nothing differently....Please get help. We cannot give you our oxygen masks and all our air, when we are watching you NOT pick up your own mask....do you understand this analogy? Do you understand the analogy of my son't wrestling match, in which the "champ" lost b/c he kept worrying about past mistakes AND thinking so far ahead towards pinning my son in the next period that he '"FORGOT TO BE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT" and thereby lost the match? Do you get the points I am making?

The worrying you do about retirement is ONE example of someone clearly being in the future and it's neurotic. You are just now getting your head UP to the top of the water to get SOME air and already you are thinking about how to cross the ocean (and then wondering why you are overwhelmed & depressed)....if you were really overweight and needed to lose weight and you wanted to get into shape and started working out and BEGAN TO LOSE WEIGHT, would you THEN start obsessing about whether you'd EVER run the NYC marathon AND would you GET REALLY DEPRESSED ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF NOT RUNNING IT OR WONDERING WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO BE IN GOOD ENOUGH SHAPE TO RUN THE NYC MARATHON OR BETTER YET, THE OLYMPICS...WHAT ABOUT THE OLYMPICS?? WELL WHAT ABOUT THAT??? Oh no, another "failed dream"...(SIGH)

To me, your worrying about so many different things all at once, is just mentally unsound and neurotic.

Do you think I am spending my precious time worrying about how to get back the money we lost the past few years? No, I sat down to figure out how to go forward. We made a plan. (I did most of it b/c h is with his dying mother and I'm a bit of a financial advisor, but it is a joint effort obviously)....so I made a plan AND THEN I IMPLEMENTED IT!!...and that's that. Now every month when money comes in, some goes to the PLAN/PROGRAM...and if something comes up that cuts into the plan, as LIFE often DOES (and death) then so be it. Back on "the program" the next day...problem? No, b/c a "problem" being handled, is no longer a problem.

Kevin, we care. But you have to put your own oxygen mask on and get some help so we can support you in your program...but YOU have to get the Program for you.
Specifically, re-read CG's posts, among so many other good ones, and DO THEM.

And don't ever complain to US about some of these things again if you expect to be heard. The money issue is YOUR problem. In your head. Maybe even ALL in your head. If you think your w left you ALL b/c of the money and NOT the symbolism of your life choices, you are essentially calling her a prostitute. I refuse to believe you'd marry a prostitute.

So that's part of the neurosis coming into play. There are books out there for you to read when you are well enough to let them into your head, but right now they're like my words to you...on the surface some of it helps you temporarily, so you want more, and it's helpful but some of it hurts AND THEN... most of it falls off you as you go back into the darkness within, instead of feeding your soul some nourishment.

Finally, May I suggest one thing about prayers?

When you pray, don't give God your "to do" list. It is NOT about God "making" your wife feel love for you. Prayer is about you starting with thanks for all the blessings you have, and asking forgiveness for your sins, and THEN discussing your "petitions" but in those requests, we are not to ask for our wish list. It's about asking God for His guidance so that you will KNOW His will, and strength to follow it. If I'm not mistaken, I've said this at least twice before. It's really important so that you can accept whatever life brings you, b/c you have HIS strength and love inside.

As for "just loving/needing her so much..." well, Your w may get hit by a car next week and die. Seriously, tell us, would you off yourself? You'll still be a dad, but hey, "it'd be HARD"... there are only two answers to that question. If you'd actually kill yourself b/c your w died, it means you are way too needy AND selfish as a dad, among other things...but let's say you'd stick around, if for no other reason than being there for your kids...so..why can't you be with them Now? I mean really with them and NOT preoccupied all the time around them and obsessing about HER all the time...that's what I mean. For them to see a healthy happy YOU...takes effort on your end, but hey, that is your job. To model that for them...(oh geez, I've aleready said this so many times to you.)

When you are well enough there's a workshop I hope you'll attend for personal growth. I went long ago for issues related to my father's drinkng but it helped so much as a wife that my h went later on and we really got a lot out of it and I hope we go back this summer for our anniversary. It's been 20 years...BUT it was a tough one b/c we had to bravely look within...however,

at that workshop I met a woman who's older brother died in a car accident on HER 16th birthday going to HER party...and then her 5 y/o son was diagnosed with aggressive diabetes, and I kid you not, then her 1 y/o daughter DIED of a lung infection. Her baby girl DIED in her arms....That woman was at the workshop with me and had so much PEACE within her that to this day, I think she's the most inwardly content person I have ever met. I thought her view of life would be wrecked like yours is. HER PAIN FRIGHTENED ME...And in a moment of grace or rudeness, I shared that with her and she was totally open to me.

I said having that pain in my life would wreck how I view all things, like seeing a painting that once was beautiful but now had a glass of wine splashed on it. She said something like, "No, life is a tapestry and if you stare up close you can only see the flaws in workmanship and small mistakes, but if you step back, you can see all the patterns and textures and how the light hits it, and changes it by the hour, and all the beauty of the tapestry of life..."

Pain is part of childbirth, pain is part of life. It hurts. But pain does not ruin life. Step way back and open your eyes.

To do that, Kevin, you need some help. So Get it. Make that on top of the list. Once you have made an appointment, then go to the next item on the list. But if you don't handle YOU asap, the list will get very long and remain unfinished forever.


This will be my last long post for awhile not to punish you, but I'm too busy to do this now and it's late and besides, I don't feel you are making any lasting breakthroughs. Do you read anyone else's threads? try mountaindreams (mtn_dreams) under Newbie's post and see how someone with the same shock as you, is handling HER pain and starting to move on...just read it. I don't know that women get thru this faster but if we do, maybe it's b/c we get help faster (??) Get some help Kevin. Everyone here is rooting for you but it is the one thing that we ALL agree on..you need some more help and resources we cannot provide. When you come up with a plan with your new doc or C, then we can support you IN THAT...make sense?

(( j ))

[volleydog]

Kev there is no way your wife is taking you back at least not anytime in the near future and a good probability NEVER, realize that. Why the hell would she you haven't changed? There are sooo many people here that have told you what you should do and you don't.

I can't imagine how much time and energy 25 puts in her posts. Look how long she was S hell I'm coming on two years, we've been there and done it. Like 25 you are draining my energy. IF there could be just one post from you that had a positive tone it would be easier, "and not yeah I've got a job and get to see my kids."

Kevin I just hope you get some help for YOU not some M that is non-existent.

[PMA_Baby!]

25,

I just wanted to say thank you for all your wonderful posts. You are truly an inspiration to us all. I have gained so much knowledge reading your words. You should definitely write a book. You have a great way of putting your thoughts into words that truly inspire. I have had the same "stuck" mindset that Kev has an have found it difficult to really move on. Despite the fact that we're officially divorced. It's still hard to let go of all the good times, but I have come along way. I still have my moments where I keep on asking God why, but eventually come back around on my own with the whole acceptance theme and my mantra of "everything happens for a reason". Which reminds me of another version of the tapestry quote you mentioned. I read that "life is like a tapestry, from below all we see is a bunch of squiggly lines and threads from above God see's a beautiful picture of our lives" That metaphor has truly inspired me like your words to keep on "Truckin"

I also like how you explained how to pray. You pretty much spelled out word for word how I pray. I start w thanking God for all the blessing and gifts in my life then consistently ask for strength and guidance. I also asked for forgiveness in my heart towards both my ex and myself. I really would have wished at the time that my WAW would have wanted the same things I did but over time I have really learned to "thank God for unanswered prayers.."

Anyway, didnt mean to interrupt the "kid pile" on Kev. which is all unfortunately necessary based on the post and present mindset. I just wanted to take some time to acknowledge 25 and others for all their very heartfelt and helpful posts.

God Speed everyone! Kev. keep the faith brotha. The Lord does work in very mysterious ways. Take this opportunity to figure out why this is all happening. Use it to motivate yourself to be the best father/friend u can be.

[K4D]

I called catholic charities and they don't offer professional counseling here anymore.
They gave me some names to call. So I did. Waiting to hear back now.

25 please don't leave. I am doing it.

Kevin

[orangedog]

Get the best pro help you can find for counseling and meds even if you can't afford it right now. Unfixed problems or halfway fixed problems will wreck your life and make you miserable (been there). Counseling will take real work on your part to see results. Meds often require trial and error to get right. Find a dr with experience in this area. Finally, learn all you can. At the end of the day YOU are responsible for your well being.

[K4D]

Well,

I honestly have nothing to say.

Kevin

[GFI2]

Kev - "I honestly have nothing to say."

No doubt you're feeling pretty whacked out by the challenges your new job has brought and the amount of fantastic input you're getting here...

It takes time and serious introspection to make headway in this "journey"...don't lose heart...there are posters on this board who,like you, post about every twist and turn in their sitch and every thought that runs through their minds - others, like me, cos thats in my /their nature - sanitise things a little...in all likelihood, neither is right.

Your preparedness to bare all has yielded far more input onto your thread than mine- I wanted input but initially I wasn't prepared to bare all - so in that respect you're in a better position than I was by miles at this stage in the game.

Kev - I'm speculating now...but guessing that you feel that your already fragile ego has taken a real good bashing of late - but please understand that every poster to you has the utmost respect for you for keeping coming back here and laying out your thought processes / fears / hurts / hopes - that's not an easy thing to do - and every poster here will appreciate and understand your commitment to re-forging a relationship with your W and to rebuilding your family...

And I also want you to know that every poster here will appreciate that the stuff that's fed back to you and advised here is "easier said than done".

But this is what it is...it is easier said than done...this stuff "is" hard...introspection "is" hard...none of this is easy and there are no magic bullets...but there are principles / tenets if you like that folks here have found that work for them in their situations...folks that have, in their time also found themselves floundering and desperate...

The presumption is, that by being here, you want to learn from those people...Kev you are getting some fantastic input...the only thing that is holding you back now is the "Old Kev".

Letting the Old Kev go doesn't mean that you lose your identity - that will always be there - that's your "Kev" -the "Old Kev" is how you used to relate to the world, the "New Kev" is how you "want" to relate to the world.

Kev - what does the "New Kev" look like? Once you have that sorted out, then you're back on the road!

And I think (?) -this is mirroring much of what 25, CG and others have said already...

I post this in hope and with great expectations!

Best GFI

[antlers]

I want to share something with you that I picked up very recently...your core value is invincible...nothing your wife or anyone else says or does can lower your core value...and this is an affirmation of it:



I am worthy of respect, value, and compassion, whether or not I get them from others. If I don't get them from others, it is necessary to feel more worthy, not less. It is necessary to confirm my own deep value as a unique person. I respect and value myself. I have compassion for my hurt. I have compassion for the hurt of loved ones. I trust myself to act in my best interests and in the best interests of my children, which will ultimately be in the best interests of my wife.

To help you internalize this vital truth, write it down and then read it aloud...with conviction.

[jaguilar]

Have a great week all. Kevin, I'll call you about lunch then...

[MrBond]

Wow I have to say that there have been enough 2x4's on these posts that you could probably build your own house by now Kevin.

Have a good weekend and enjoy the time with your Ds.