Confessions from a former cheater...

[Eddies Mom]

Hi DQ,

I have been following your thread for some time now and this has been one of the reasons why I was prompted to sign up this community. I seek to you for clarity. Maybe what you will say to me can help me understand our sitch better.

I've been married 13 years last Feb 2009. In early Jan, I discovered my husband's affair (running six months at that time). It was more of an emotional affair but they have been physical too. He told me he loves her and is into her.

The last four months had been a roller coaster ride for both of us. We continued to live together after I found out but he continued his affair after that. Most days we were fine and felt that our communication was better than ever, but there were at least four instances in the last four months where we almost parted with anger in our hearts.

Yesterday, my husband has finally decided to move out. He now lives with a friend (male) some an hour and half drive's away. He says, this moving out doesn't mean he has already made a choice (her or me). I have not asked for an ultimatum, not once. Knowing my husband, ultimatum's will just make him make the wrong decisions. Though I did tell him from the beginning that the affair was not okay, I couldn't force him to give it up knowing that coercion will not work.

Before he left, he told me that he wants to be on his own to really think about stuff and find himself. There were things he said that told me he has somehow understood the weight and effect of the affair in our marriage. He hinted that this separation could be the thing that would save our marriage, and said that he will want to move back for good for the right reasons (and not just because they fought). He is looking for that reason, among other things.

Before he left, he told me he still loves me. He hasn't said that to me since January. Though he tells her this at least everyday when they talk on IM or send SMS to each other (I sometimes catch him), he also told me yesterday that things have changed for the two of them and that they have often been fighting (and we've been fighting less and less).

In all honesty, he and I know the future with OW and him is kinda bleak. There's just too much obstacles between them. But knowing she has his heart is what crushes me. I still believe he favors her over me...it's just what I feel sometimes, I'm the option and the second choice. I tell him this and he doesn't deny it but says that I've assumed too much.

My husband is a lot like you....he loves the chase, he loves to feel he's appreciated, and he loves that you'd show it. The OW was able to give him that the early months of their relationship, something I have failed to give him after 13 years together (he says I got too comfortable). Now that we're separated, I cannot deny I terribly miss him. Do I give him the space and communicate with him less...so he can think? Or do I initiate the chase, knowing there's this other person he's also interested in?
What should I avoid so that we don't drift apart during the separation? We have agreed to meet at least once a week though. What else must I do to help him lift the fog?

Thank you very much for your insights.