So after I confessed my A, I was then a "good girl" for many many years. But I was miserable and we had no sex life. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Hindsight is 20/20 and now I see all the dynamics at play, and it wasn't all my fault, which I had assumed at that time.
After we had been married about 10 years, my halo slipped off my head. I couldn't seem to prompt him to help me make any positive changes in our sitch (although I now understand I never went about it the right way), and somehow I fell into some kind of major flirting fest. From there, I ended up kind of giving up on myself and my marriage (but didn't tell him, again, I realize now, duh, what a mistake, should have talked to him or dragged him to counseling) and I would then just kind of allow myself to follow in whatever direction someone was pursuing me. I had several EA/PA's...although its hard for me to say that because it "wasn't what you think". I never fell in love, and even when I say PA's it was actually "just" kissing or a slight touch here or there. I know I know...its still awful. The EA's also were not about emotions...just don't know what else to call it. They were all about explicit flirting and sexual conversations. That is why I call them EA's...because I acknowledge they were A's but they really were never about the heart. I never talked to any of these people about my H or my marriage or whatever. It was all just "fun" (gag me, I'm so ashamed now). None of these people ever had feelings for me either.
Finally after living this way for several years, I realized that I must be terribly unhappy in my marriage or I wouldn't be doing this. So I began discussions with my H. I didn't confess any of these mini-A's I was having at that time. I did though discuss how I wanted some passion and wanted him to pursue me, something he had never done in our relationship. All these other guys pursued me, but he didn't, and that was what I wanted. I wanted it from him. I laid it out on the table exactly what I wanted/needed. Dates, pursuit, letters and emails, compliments, and good passionate sex. I did not have an A going on at the time I moved out. I had also at that time dropped all the loser EA people and had no interest in them.
So I moved out and told him he'd need to chase me or lose me. He agreed that he would. We both also agreed it would be ok to date other people. I know that sounds whacked out, and we never got any guidance, never read any books, never went to counseling, so I never at that time realized what a horrible position it put us in.
However, in my heart, I wanted HIM to pursue me and win my heart. I asked him to do many 180's and he never did. I did not want to be single or chase down multiple men. I just wanted passion, and I wanted it from him but I wasn't going to go without it. So I started dating from the get go.
He never pursued me. Said he would, but didn't. He didn't love me any more at that point, which I cannot blame him. He never really knew of my mini-A's...but he knew I was a flirt and was seeking passion. He also had many EA's because women who had daddy issues always fell for him and followed him around, called him after work, chased him down, etc. I ignored this because of my own EA's.
So I started dating, but he didn't. To my knowledge he has not had a date since I left him over 5 years ago.
After about 6 months of separation, I met the man of my dreams and he chased and pursued me and never let up...we are still together today and to this day, he chases and pursues, romances and sexes me til I can't see...he is everything I ever wanted. My ex-h still owned my heart up until the day I met my current man. After that, it was over in my heart. I never looked back.
In the end, (I know this will not sound right to many of you) but I know I did my ex-h a favor. He was not happy and not in love with me, but lacked the backbone to leave me. So he was a horrible husband (passive agressive) until I left first. Then he could blame me for ruining his life and look like the victim, and he would never have to look like a failure to his friends and family because I was the one who left. Never mind the fact that he hated me and secretly wished I would die or leave him, but anyway.
How are my kids toward H? Unfortunately, he turned into a jackass to them the day I left the house. I can't explain it, but apparently my son looks too much like me and my ex-h transferred all his hate toward me upon our son. My daughter was in college so she didn't catch that much of the hell, but ex-h did also let her down in many ways.
They both really took an emotional beating by him and they have never fully recovered from it. However, they do see him and act like nothing is wrong, which is typical for children to do. They do talk to me though, about him and his failings to them and to me. I just let them talk and am supportive, and I usually gently defend him, and they know I will never trash him, so they won't just go off on him. Instead, they will just tell me when they have an epiphany about him or something he did (the stories are long and I don't share them on the board), and I will ask if they want to go to a counselor about it...they usually decline but sometimes they do.
New relationship....yes it just happened naturally and was not difficult, except for the fact that I was separated, not divorced, so it was hard for my new man to be dating a married girl and not feel like an ass. However he saw first hand how my ex-h was treating me, and never felt like he was stealing someone's wife. After he and I were seriously dating, I could no longer go on being married to someone else and I initiated the divorce...but by then it was obvioulsy inevitable. As with everything else in our marriage, I had to take care of the divorce, find us both lawyers, figure out how to pay for everything, figure out how to split everything...and then even after that I gave him more than an equitable split, hoping it would be an act of grace on my part that might create a little friendship between us again. Nope. He just continued to hate me and crap on our son...he took the money and ran and to this day doesn't have anything to do with me.
Very recently I sent him a "closure" letter and told him all the things I had done wrong in our marriage and how sorry I was. I did not point any finger at him, just talked about my side of the table. It was important to my psyche to do this. He wrote back and admitted some of the things he regrets too and it was actually very heart felt. I can see he has emotionally grown a lot since then which did warm my heart. However, we haven't spoken since so it may have healed our hearts a tiny bit but certainly didn't mend any bridges. That is ok, though. My heart feels much better.
So it sounds like my sitch is a lot different than yours...I don't know if my story helps you at all. Feel free to ask more questions.
