I can completely relate to your dilemma. Although I am painfully aware that the A is still going on, I have been making changes that my H definitely sees. He moved out about 10 weeks ago, and at first, there wasn't much contact beyond some curt emails. That progressed to us spending a couple of evenings together, which were actually very nice (not sexual.) But now I feel that he is definitely cake-eating and, although I may not go completely dark, I think the best thing would be to significantly detatch. I'm so confused. I think the best thing (as my DB coach has taught me) is to try a specific behavior (i.e. backing off) and see the response. The problem for me is that, although my H's response to seeing me happy and upbeat and looking great was positive, he is still "in love" and having hot sex with the OW. Very difficult to figure out what to do.
