My brother strongly advises me not to listen and/or seek out what other people say about ex. The point struck home a few days ago.
A woman, who's like a second mother to me, ran into ex.. the first time she's seen him since before he left. She made a comment about the divorce. His reply was that he'd do it again. She told him that he'd have to search the world to find a person like me. He said she was a loyal friend.
After she relayed her tale, I felt that sick tightening deep in my belly. "He'd do it again???" Who says that type of thing? Memories of other phrases... "You were a sh*tty wife".. "You're a miserable person living in a miserable fantasy life" made its on Molotov mind cocktail.
I remembered to breathe.. to let go, not to take on that verbiage as defining me. The negative feelings subsided and were brushed aside.
When I mentioned ex's conversation, my counselor quipped that he should take out a billboard on I-95 that says "I'm not healthy, I'm unwell." That a healthy person would say something like.. "We had many good times, but it didn't work.".. or something like that rather that projecting such defensiveness. I wondered where my usual reply about the divorce.. "I'm disappointed that it happened, but I'm healthier than I've been in years.".. falls in. I don't think I've quite hit acceptance.
Before change was something I cowered at. Now I'm starting to make my own (cha-chink, cha-chink) at my own pace. Selling the car, a birthday present from him, will be a good thing, though I will miss how incredible it is. Leaving the big house will be different too.
Then I remember.. I never wanted the big house, the fancy car. I wore the mantle of privilege hesitantly. Reality allows me to drop what doesn't fit and embrace what works for me... one step at a time.
Hey ms. cat.. good to see you! Time and healing in a good way sure helps moving forward. It's true, reality is never as bad as you imagine it.
Some folks find my words soothing. It's another form of energy, of sharing. I used to tell ex that my greatest strengths were intangible. I had no clue how true that was.
I am so lucky, so grateful for all I've been given.. an superb family, great kids, dear friends, excellent support... and the opportunity to be thankful and know I'm blessed.
Thank all of you, too.
*hugs*
I still become absolutely terrified of a man being nice to me.. but all in good time.
There's a line from Bruce Sprinsteen's "Born in the USA";
"End up like a dog that's been beat too much, till you spend half your life just coverin' up".
I think we both wer emotionally abused for years and never really conciously knew it. You'll find that not all me are like "THE WARRIOR" that you used to be married to. That term still makes me LMAO!
Gyps, as usual, you put words to how I feel. I haven't been on in a while, just trying to settle, to live. I missed the invite earlier this month; sorry about that, truly! I hope to find another time, soon! Maybe next Wed after school?
But about the words...I agree that I am better off when I use email only. My x might be ready and ok to talk on the phone or in person, but I'm not. I don't think I want him to be nice to me, and I know I don't want to be abused anymore, either. I also feel better with the less I know about his life (which can be hard, with the kids over there as often as they are, and not wanting them to censor themselves).
It really is a tragedy that after so long together, so many positive years, that I can't be friends with him. But I can't, at least not now, so that is that. He has said that it is a shame, probably wonders how, if I profess to love/loved him so much, I wouldn't want him in my life at least as a friend. But I don't know how to get to that place. And I don't know how wrong or right he is about what I felt about him. (How unconditional was it, if I can't be happy and accepting that he is happy?) Without any other relationships, I can't really say what it was, other than it didn't work out in the long term.
I'm just focused on what is in my life - kids, work, friends, family. I feel like I am holding on for the summer. Came as a surprise to realize that I have been apart from him for almost 2 years now, divorced a year in June. He has been in the other relationship for at least 3, probably 4 years. My sense of time is still a little screwed up. I wish I was more highly evolved.
about what he said to your friend, sounds like a knee jerk reaction from someone who thinks has to defend himself from something wrong he's done, a ready excuse to show he's in the right, that's the first impression I got... what a lame thing for him to say.
Lol, I love the billboard idea! (hey, are you too far from me? I drive daily on I-95/395...much to my chagrin, lol!)
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I still become absolutely terrified of a man being nice to me.. but all in good time.
Terrified? But why?
You deserve to be treated nicely, Gypsy -- and neither I nor anyone else should have to tell you that. So why would you feel that way, if you don't mind me asking?
I live more on the Rt. 8, Merrit Parkway, I-95 intersection. Come on down!
Ms Donna..
I'm going to stay in this town, hopefully find an affordable home in a nice neighborhood. My daughter has very good friendships, high involvement in the community theatre and is very happy here. It's home for me and the kids. I'll worry about the rest in a few years.
Code..
My dad did very bad things to me through out my childhood. My ex was the first man I ever really trusted. It's leftover fear of the past, of being betrayed, not being able to trust.. kind of like a bunny looking at you, then dashing away cuz she knows you're thinking rabbit stew, whether it's true or not.
And I still repeat the same patterns.. putting another's time and worth before my own, willing to go with their needs over voicing my own, that self sacrifice unwitting martyr thing. I'm fine as friends, but if it gets farther I flounder and fall apart in ways that aren't pretty.
Each action I'm doing now helps me grow, makes me more confident, independent. I need to know I can take care of myself rather then cling to a man for all my needs.
In short.. I don't really know why.. I'm just absolutely terrified. So, I'll work on me and see how the rest goes.
I thought maybe it was something like that, Gypsy.
It's not so much that you fear some man being nice to you, it's that you fear being hurt again should you come to rely on and trust that kindness. I can sympathize with and understand that. I think to one degree or another all LBS's face that. Once burned, twice shy, as they say.
And I have continually observed, with a great deal of helpless sympathetic pain, that so many of you women suffer almost-crippling bouts of insecurity, such that it impacts everything in your lives. Perhaps we males are just better at hiding our weaknesses (or not!), but it saddens me deeply to continually see how both the actions and reactions of so many women are driven by such insecurities -- especially the loved ones in my life.
I just hope and pray for you and others that through time and God's graces you will overcome these hampering issues. I am confident that some day you will get to that point when a man can show you the kindness you deserve and you will both enjoy, appreciate and accept it gladly, without reservations.
