Whenever I read about your situation, I come away with the impression that you are, for the most part, letting -her- run the relationship, and letting -her- lay down the terms and conditions for your sexual relationship. You're hesitant to raise issues and 'rock the boat' for fear of gaining her disapproval, losing her acceptance, and thus losing what little intimacy you have.
This is very typical Nice Guy behavior. And as we say here over and over, while Nice Guys may be good, conscientious, caring men -- all good qualities -- they lack the 'masculine sexiness' or 'manliness' that really turns a woman on sexually. That may not sound fair, but that is simply how it is for many couples.
An experiment for you to try:
I would encourage you to start visualizing yourself as The Man of the house, the one who is ultimately in charge, the one who is responsible for the care of your wife and kids, and to start taking on the mantle of leadership in the relatinship. Don't talk to your wife about it, don't declare "I'm in charge" or some such, just calmly and firmly begin taking on that role on your own.
Stand up to your wife, NOT ANGRILY (in general, the first person to lose their temper in a debate, loses the debate), but firmly. Chances are, when you start standing your ground and standing up to her, SHE will become angry and start pushing you even harder -- DON'T cave in or back down -- stand firm and attempt to remain calm. Let her see by your actions that she married a man who is -stronger- than she is, but one who also loves her and cares for her, and who will LEAD the relationship.
A -sexy- man is one who is strong (mentally and physically), confident, and decisive, while at the same time he is loving and caring. Keep your core 'nice' qualities, but start layering in on top of that those sexy masculine qualities that every man has deep inside of him.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
