Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

I'm here. Let me update first:
Last week was quite the roller coaster. A few weeks ago we went to the beach and she told me she wants to leave still. Told her I don't like it and I'm not sure if I that's something I can do. I told her let me talk to the MC about it and we'll discuss. I did talk to MC. When I got home that night (this was a few weeks ago) she jumped on me wanting to know about it. I wasn't ready to discuss. I told her that I needed time and another conversation with the MC. I went back again to discuss with MC. I still wasn't ready to discuss but mostly because WAW was getting ready to take a big national exam. I was set to talk that day, and before I could start she told me about the exam. I waited.
She took the exam.
I waited.
The night I went back to the MC alone I didn't come home right away that night. I didn't call. I didn't tell anyone. Just alone in my thoughts and then talking to friends on the phone.
WAW freaked. Txt'd me that night 'where are you?' I said I was on my way home. She was asleep by then. I heard her up at 3 and again at 0430 being very loud. When I got home that night, she was crying her head off. Turns out she had been crying all day. She had a panic attack that morning and melted down most of the day. Told me if there was a quit button for her school she would have done it.
We talked for four hours outside. She apologized for the pain she has caused me, the kids, etc. She told me she couldn't imagine quitting school. She told me all about her pains and sorrows. She eventually asked me about the conversation with the MC. I told her the truth, but not about the part where I'm numb. I told her that basically I do not know what she has in mind and so I don't know if I can do it. MC suggested that she write down the proposal so I can see it and try to understand it better. She asked if I wanted her to tell me why she was leaving. I said yes. She said she needed to know that when my son (he's 11) leaves for college that "you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with." She said she thought I should know the same about her. I told her we're in different places because I have no doubt. I told her I wanted a relationship with her that included intimacy and she said that intimacy for men is sex. I reminded her I'm not a statistic and that it means more to me than that. She used that as a way to have sex with me. It was fun, but she tells me it's just her getting her rocks off. Physical.
Sunday I went for a run and she came back from a run about the same time. She said something about a big shower and I joked was she asking me to join her in the shower. She said that she wasn't sure, because she was drafting up the sep agreement and wasn't sure she could do that. ???? I reminded her it was purely physical. Something we enjoy doing. We did. She was surprised that she didn't recognize her old bathroom. No changes, she just hadn't been there in months.
Monday night she was a caged animal. She started biting my daughter's head off for nothing so I stepped in. She bit mine off too. I shrugged it off.
She showed up late to MC session on tuesday. During that time I clued in the MC to the previous week. She was late due to finals at school. Tough week I know. She's asked me to go away with her and in the same sentence said maybe not.
The sep agreement she drafted has us having family time on Monday's (dinner), she and I dating on Wed, kids at her house on Thursday's and every other weekend (Fri-Sun). That's actually more time than she spends with us now. Go figure.
I had to point out during MC that we can't share the burden of the costs. She had a part in there about me paying her marital support. I reminded her my hours have been cut back so far that we're going to lose out on 40K this year over last year. She went off saying maybe we should get a lawyer, that she can't do it on her student loans etc. I reminded her it was what she wanted and the MC remdinded her that she needs to figure it out.

My pastor tells me that I'm living with two teenage girls.

The next morning, right after talking to a moving company (I know - stop checking the phone records but it sometimes helps me to feel something towards her) she sent me an email saying she was sorry for not realinzing the impact of my work etc. She said she hoped we could have better communication in the future. She has been treating my like a leper since. I've done small nice things for her, but we plan to talk about the sep details on Sunday. She and the kids go to the beach on Monday to Wed. I'm looking forward to the alone time to be honest. I need a break from this.

Daughter's birthday today and party tomorrow. Should be fun. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Anyway. How am I doing? I'm doing well. I'm sleeping better. Having more fun and generally enjoying my life without her. I've made new friends and reconnected with old friends as well. I like it.

I don't think I can see a way for her to leave and come back. She keeps testing me to see what my thoughts are there. She says it's not beyond her to grovel, beg, plead etc if/when she wants to come back. Then she has told me numerous times - "you may not let me come back." I agree. I very well may not. Then again, this may be a chance to let go of some of the hurt and learn to listen to each other again. She stopped that a long time ago. I pointed that out that night. I pointed out that she took the intimacy from our marriage a while ago. She agreed and said it was when I stopped listening to her. I reminded her I never stopped listening to her but I don't do what she wants all the time. There's a difference. She agreed that it was her that thought it but realizes that I never stopped listening. It's her. Saturday and Sunday she tried to explain away her meltdown to stress first and then to lack of salt on Sunday. I laughed and told her it was medical school syndrome. But it's not funny because she is trying not to admit what she thinks it is. If she does, she would have to take on me and the kids and I do not think she can do that right now.

It saddens me, but I know that I want her to heal. I really don't like her right now. I don't know that I can date her. I wouldn't if we were not married. But I do want an intimate relationship with her. I still want that. I still love her. I realize I may not get what I want and I'm ok with that too. I want what's best for her. I'll be fine regardless. My kids will be fine as well. They may hate her for a while, but they will be fine.

AJ