JOURNAL UPDATE: Last night wasn't too bad. I'm the one that's a mess. I'm mostly numb. Not completely, but mostly.
I got home first and was making dinner when WAS came home. She suggested some whine - I made a joke about that and she threw water in my face. Playful. Not too bad. Towards the end of dinner and talking with the kids, she asks me if I want to go to NY to see the Blue Man Group. I said sure. She said when? I said about 2 hours from now. She thought I was kidding I think.
She has also been riding me about the next time I go to the MC. I think she wants me to talk to her about her moving out. Been trying to wait until she finishes with finals, but may not be able to. I'm not sure I want to wait.
She also was telling me about her day. Made it a point to. She was telling me about her friend at school. The one that had an affair, her husband caught her at it, gave her an ultimatum, and they worked it out. She got pregnant not long after that and is due this summer. I said then that she would take some time off after the baby was born. Wife said "nah - won't happen" Last night she tells me the girl is going to take a year off. I smiled. She also was talking about how she is getting along so well with one of her professors. The one that used to make her stomach hurt when she would go to class. I told her then that she needed to stand up to him. Once she did, he started becoming her best friend. I can be pretty good at reading people some times She didn't listen at the time, but that's how it goes.
Anyway, all in all not too bad. It's just me. I don't want to think about this right now. I am so bone tired, I can hardly see straight. And yet, I have a strong sense of commitment. I can't just stop or just walk away. I'm not done, but really really tired. And numb.
I'm going to take a break from the boards for a few days I think. I'll update later.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Sending you happy thoughts and warm wishes for some peace in your mind and heart.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I'm here. Let me update first: Last week was quite the roller coaster. A few weeks ago we went to the beach and she told me she wants to leave still. Told her I don't like it and I'm not sure if I that's something I can do. I told her let me talk to the MC about it and we'll discuss. I did talk to MC. When I got home that night (this was a few weeks ago) she jumped on me wanting to know about it. I wasn't ready to discuss. I told her that I needed time and another conversation with the MC. I went back again to discuss with MC. I still wasn't ready to discuss but mostly because WAW was getting ready to take a big national exam. I was set to talk that day, and before I could start she told me about the exam. I waited. She took the exam. I waited. The night I went back to the MC alone I didn't come home right away that night. I didn't call. I didn't tell anyone. Just alone in my thoughts and then talking to friends on the phone. WAW freaked. Txt'd me that night 'where are you?' I said I was on my way home. She was asleep by then. I heard her up at 3 and again at 0430 being very loud. When I got home that night, she was crying her head off. Turns out she had been crying all day. She had a panic attack that morning and melted down most of the day. Told me if there was a quit button for her school she would have done it. We talked for four hours outside. She apologized for the pain she has caused me, the kids, etc. She told me she couldn't imagine quitting school. She told me all about her pains and sorrows. She eventually asked me about the conversation with the MC. I told her the truth, but not about the part where I'm numb. I told her that basically I do not know what she has in mind and so I don't know if I can do it. MC suggested that she write down the proposal so I can see it and try to understand it better. She asked if I wanted her to tell me why she was leaving. I said yes. She said she needed to know that when my son (he's 11) leaves for college that "you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with." She said she thought I should know the same about her. I told her we're in different places because I have no doubt. I told her I wanted a relationship with her that included intimacy and she said that intimacy for men is sex. I reminded her I'm not a statistic and that it means more to me than that. She used that as a way to have sex with me. It was fun, but she tells me it's just her getting her rocks off. Physical. Sunday I went for a run and she came back from a run about the same time. She said something about a big shower and I joked was she asking me to join her in the shower. She said that she wasn't sure, because she was drafting up the sep agreement and wasn't sure she could do that. ???? I reminded her it was purely physical. Something we enjoy doing. We did. She was surprised that she didn't recognize her old bathroom. No changes, she just hadn't been there in months. Monday night she was a caged animal. She started biting my daughter's head off for nothing so I stepped in. She bit mine off too. I shrugged it off. She showed up late to MC session on tuesday. During that time I clued in the MC to the previous week. She was late due to finals at school. Tough week I know. She's asked me to go away with her and in the same sentence said maybe not. The sep agreement she drafted has us having family time on Monday's (dinner), she and I dating on Wed, kids at her house on Thursday's and every other weekend (Fri-Sun). That's actually more time than she spends with us now. Go figure. I had to point out during MC that we can't share the burden of the costs. She had a part in there about me paying her marital support. I reminded her my hours have been cut back so far that we're going to lose out on 40K this year over last year. She went off saying maybe we should get a lawyer, that she can't do it on her student loans etc. I reminded her it was what she wanted and the MC remdinded her that she needs to figure it out.
My pastor tells me that I'm living with two teenage girls.
The next morning, right after talking to a moving company (I know - stop checking the phone records but it sometimes helps me to feel something towards her) she sent me an email saying she was sorry for not realinzing the impact of my work etc. She said she hoped we could have better communication in the future. She has been treating my like a leper since. I've done small nice things for her, but we plan to talk about the sep details on Sunday. She and the kids go to the beach on Monday to Wed. I'm looking forward to the alone time to be honest. I need a break from this.
Daughter's birthday today and party tomorrow. Should be fun. I'm very much looking forward to it.
Anyway. How am I doing? I'm doing well. I'm sleeping better. Having more fun and generally enjoying my life without her. I've made new friends and reconnected with old friends as well. I like it.
I don't think I can see a way for her to leave and come back. She keeps testing me to see what my thoughts are there. She says it's not beyond her to grovel, beg, plead etc if/when she wants to come back. Then she has told me numerous times - "you may not let me come back." I agree. I very well may not. Then again, this may be a chance to let go of some of the hurt and learn to listen to each other again. She stopped that a long time ago. I pointed that out that night. I pointed out that she took the intimacy from our marriage a while ago. She agreed and said it was when I stopped listening to her. I reminded her I never stopped listening to her but I don't do what she wants all the time. There's a difference. She agreed that it was her that thought it but realizes that I never stopped listening. It's her. Saturday and Sunday she tried to explain away her meltdown to stress first and then to lack of salt on Sunday. I laughed and told her it was medical school syndrome. But it's not funny because she is trying not to admit what she thinks it is. If she does, she would have to take on me and the kids and I do not think she can do that right now.
It saddens me, but I know that I want her to heal. I really don't like her right now. I don't know that I can date her. I wouldn't if we were not married. But I do want an intimate relationship with her. I still want that. I still love her. I realize I may not get what I want and I'm ok with that too. I want what's best for her. I'll be fine regardless. My kids will be fine as well. They may hate her for a while, but they will be fine.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I don't think I can see a way for her to leave and come back.
I was terrified of this as well. I had read all the stats, heard horror stories and knew it would hurt me. I didn't have any control over it. My W left me. So I learned how to really DB. My W came home and things are sooooo much better and interesting now. One big positive I see is that your W wants to date. Think about that. Don't close your mind off because of fear or insecurity. Fear will close you off from intimacy, which is what you want. So put yourself out there in a healthy, loving way with no expectations. Be a strong, wise, honorable and loving man and lead her. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks Coach. I'm trying to really decide here how to approach this. Part of me wants the distance. Part of me wants that intimacy. Part of me really doesn't like the person she is right now. I don't respect her very much. Some, but not much. If I wasn't married to her, I'm not sure I'd want to date her as the person she's become.
I don't have fear or insecurity any longer, Coach. I have numbness. I have a desire for an intimate relationship with my wife. I love her still, but I really cannot feel much any more. My emotions are too distant to understand them. They seem to have taken on a life of their own without me.
Just the same, thanks for that. I am leaning towards viewing this as a chance to get to know each other again, but not yet sure. I'm glad she wants to spend more time with the kids. I really am. I recognize that this is as much because she just cannot handle the pressure she's under and that sep might be what it takes for her to learn to deal with that pressure and for me to figure out what I really want from our relationship.
I'm struggling to figure some things out and it doesn't help that I have little feeling left.
I'll take your advice Coach. Thanks for offering it!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Update: yesterday and last night were interesting. She has some time off. Doesn't know what to do with herself. Bounced around from one thing to the next. Sad. Daughter's birthday party yesterday. What a blast. 10 kids on a scavenger hunt at the mall. Lots of fun. Last night wife wanted to talk. She told me that her running friend got a dear john letter. In it his wife told him that love wasn't enough. Hmm... She tells me that she is tired of life. That she's just tired. Can't think. Can't concentrate. Hates where we are (our R). I listened. Let it slide. She told me she may want a baby. Not now of course (right) but maybe later. She stopped short of saying "we" could offer so much but thought she could. She talked about how the men in her class had it so easy because their wives took care of everything and they just had to go to school. Not sure what to say to that. I offered to do same to her before and she gave me the speech that she wants to be independent. Hmm...
She tells me that she can't have a baby right now because she has too much in her life right now as it is.
Later.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
She didn't listen at the time, but that's how it goes.