I'm afraid to post anything about my sitch because I'm terrified that I might jinx it. We are really making progress. I have to admit that I have been pushing even harder lately and trying to break old stale patterns by shaking things up when I would normally sit quiet and wait. I realize that we have a pattern of 1) I initiate a discussion that seems productive and positive, 2) he initiates sex in the next day or two, 3)sizzlefritz, crickets, I sit and wait, not wanting to nag/mother, 4) I stew and get ready for the next discussion. Now, instead of sitting and waiting, I'm making playful, strongly suggestive, almost demanding "come hither"/"give me some luvin'" remarks. We seem to be in a growth spurt. I'm so excited, yet I'm terrified that it might not stick. I just can't let it happen! Too early to tell if we really have reached the next level. Thanks for asking -- It felt good to write that out.
Excellent news, Lucky --> keep shakin' those tail feathers, girl! Every time you do, it strokes his male ego, works to 'fire up his engines' (i.e. tug at his libedo), and gives him the courage or incentive he may need to take you up on the "chase".....and capture.
You are essentially doing what I have had to do in order to improve my own sexual relationship --> you've imcreased the level of Sexual Polarity between the two of you, and in so doing, improved the sexual relationship. In my case, I've had to move in the Masculine direction, and attract the attention of my wife by being more of The Man who turns -her- on. In your case, you're moving in the Feminine direction, and attracting the attention of your husband by being more of The Woman who turns -him- on. Our sex therapist would be proud of you!
At some point, of course, our partners have to get on board and start doing their part too; that is, begin moving themselves in their respective direction on the Sexual Polarity spectrum. Hence the recent rounds of discussions and sessions between my wife, myself, and our therpist, in my own case. However, for the first 'stage' of recovery, it's alright for one partner to take the lead -- just be careful not to let any frustration over his failures to move build up too much. I've been there and done that, too. If I were you, I would seek out a counselor or sex therapist and get your H to start seeing one with you: having to report weekly to a counselor and do 'homework' exercises helps to keep everyone focused and working the issue, and lets the counselor take on the role of whip-cracker, rather than you.
What you are doing is extremely smart, too, in that you didn't attempt to do a 'role-reversal' and take on the role of chasing -him-, doing to him what you wanted him to do to you....that would have felt very unsatisfying for you, and would have been unsustainable. By turning on your FEM and enticing the chase, you're establishing the dynamic that YOU want, and that turns YOU on, while pulling him along for the ride.
Just remember, and tell yourself this daily, that YOU are sexy and attractive and HOT, exactly as you are, to your man. Not to belittle my own sex too much, but men are extraordinarily easy to stimulate visually or physically, especially when the woman they love is involved. I keep hammering this point home to my wife -- women are far, Far, FAR more critical of their bodies than their men ever are -- we're EASY....take advantage of it!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
