Someone posted to me early on which REALLY helped and I was trying to pass that on to you.. but perhaps I can add some more.
Someone said to me, that men in MLC, taht have A's are not the usual WAS, or just had an A and left.. theres something else going on. And what they need from us, as the LBS is.. consistency and reassurance. Be their FRIEND.. no matter what, no reproachment, no anger, no resentment.. also as they need these things, it is counterproductive to NOT pursue or initiate contact for long periods of time. You should ALWAYS accept contact with them (be their loving, consistent forgiving friend) and if you dont hear from them for long stretches, then make a friendly, no expectations contact, to check in with them. She (Appleroad I think it was) explained this to me, like the MLCer is a special case and needs a bit more gentle handling.
I saw you not doing that.. yes, the LRT is good for you and gave you strength and equilibrium.. but how has that helped you reconcile with your H ? I can see why there was a need for it at one point, as after the bomb and the pleading etc, you had little choice but to pull back.
And I am sorry he is now pushing for D.. but it may be because he sees no other way out, and your sort of coldness and disapproval (forgive me) toward him is palpable.. in his crisis and emotional state, he proabbly just cant handle it and it makes him want to run faster and harder away. Can you see that?
I know you have struggled with being his friend whilst ow is in tow.. but I dont know of any sitches really (apart from puppydog) where the LBS has been able to refuse to see the WAS until OW is off the scene and THAT makes the WAS then miss them, finish with ow and come back.
The WAS has to be able to compare you, as the loving, patient, calm, non-pressurising W, with the often chaotic, bad choice of OW. How is he supposed to see you as the greener grass if he doesnt get to see you? How are you supposed to put doubt in his mind and make him question his R with the OW (please stop calling her catbitch by the way!! its not good to blame her, this is YOUR H's doing, not hers)...if you dont show him what he is missing? Lastly.. the biggest tenement of DB is.. be the greener grass, become again.. the woman he first fell in love with.
Are you doing that? What 180s have you done? What interesting and inticing things do you chat to him about about your life when you see him? Do you chat to him at all? Jody my DB coach said, whatever you do, DO NOT present to him a picture of a devastated human being.. that they have ruined your life.. yuo dont have to move on, but act as if you are moving forwards and having fun and show them what they missed, or loved about you in the early days.
if you have followed my sitch for some time, you will see that I have maintained a friendship with my ex, EVENTHOUGH he has been seeing ow for 7 months (dont know if he still is, as he never mentions her and nor do I).. and taken every opportunity he has offered me to see him and make a good impression.. and its working. He told his friends - I am again, the girl he fell in love with (back in 1996). I have had to be the bigger person, absolutely.. and in terms of the poster above.. forget self esteem etc.. this is a DB website.. we ARE putting up with the crap because we value our spouses and have decided we want them back. So thats a given. What we are here to do is help each other with that aim.. so I say, swallow your pride, as I have had to continually.. ignore OW, stop calling her names, focus on you and being the greener grass.
You need to take those opportunities to DB.. when he comes to mow the grass, maybe be in, looking hot, chat to him a bit then say you have to be somewhere.. how about leave him a note and a favourite snack of his on the table to say thanks for doing the grass, if you cant be in? How about buy him something for the fishtank and leave it there with a note, next time he comes to clean it? Oh and Jody told me that when they do want to meet to discuss thinks, DONT do that at the house.. the house is what she calls "the scene of the crime" and makes the WAS remember all the bad things that they are running from (you and the guilt of all that etc).. meet away from teh house, somewhere with a good, upbeat energy. Have a drink, smile, show interest in them etc, then be the frist to leave.
I dont know if its too late, but.. if you start now, why not? What have you got to lose Silver? You are heading for D anyway right now. Good luck...
