So my w told my 4 year old about how we are getting divorced and how we are moving. She didn't consult me, which is frustrating. But I am giving her the benefit of the doubt in that I think it came in response to my d's question about why Mommy doesn't wear her ring anymore -- at least the D. part. I am still utterly amazed at the speed of this.
10 weeks ago: My w posts on her facebook page about how being married to me is the best thing that ever happened to her 8 weeks ago: She tells me it is over, no counseling 7 weeks ago; she drops my last name in all of her correspondence 6 weeks ago: I get served divorce papers 4 weeks ago: We stop being able to spend the night in the same house This week: she tells our daughter that we are getting d. This weekend: Our house goes on the market
I read other people's stories here and I don't think I have seen one that progresses at this break-neck speed. She won't take a breath.
Well I am gearing up for the weekend. I'm not going to access the board from home as clearing my cache has just made my w very suspicous of what I am doing. (I think she is concerned I am going to expose the om and fight for joint custody to cut into her cs. God just typing that makes her look terrible). We're going to spend the weekend preparing the house to go on the market. Basically landscaping and painting and minor repairs. Any advice before I go dark for a few days? We're in the cooling off period here in New Hanpshire, but I can't see any alternative to selling the house as she is so gung-ho about it. I still can't decide how to employ proper 180s with my w. I don't know when I am showing support and when I am enabling cake-eating. My plan is to keep it breezy. Do the work around the house. Avoid any R or future talk and basically support her in going guns-ablazing to sell the house. Any advice in the next coupld of hours would be appreciated. I really wish I felt more confident in my path.
This is not really a db thing but my close friend kicked her H out and divorced him so fast I couldn't believe it. It has been two years and now they are going to counseling to see if they can reconcile. They fought through the whole divorce and eventually had almost no contact (except for kid related). It has been crazy to watch them kind of both db'ing. One would pull away and the other would inch toward. A sort of cat and mouse. I don't know if they'll make it but it took some serious separation and going all the way with their own lives (he had girlfriends). Now they are trying again. It seems that going all the way is the ONLY way for some. It is so hard for me to accept that and I wonder if I am only prolonging my agony by taking things so slow. Anyway, if there is any chance for you, this may be the quickest way to get there. But you have to GAL and really change. Wish I could take my own advice.
You may be right AAK. I think my wife needs to destroy everything before she will take a breath. She is so on a mission right now. It is like she is desperate to keep the momentum going. I know that part of her is afraid of back-sliding if she doesn't keep doing things. At least I think I know. It's just frustrating because it feels like i don't have any opportunity to impact anything. She is just unwaveringly going forward.
Ultimately, it didn't even matter what happened during the divorce. They tore each other apart and then took their space and have been inching toward each other and then away. Both are scared and seem to miss the moments. But, now they seem to be on the same page. She was so "done," I know this because I am her best friend. But, she loves him and no matter what, even when she really says she's moving on, she has that soft spot. It has been painful to watch and I don't know how it will turn out. I can only tell you that she was mad as hell for a long time before she would let him in.
I am in the same boat as you. Break neck speed from bomb seperation to divorce. mine should be final next week, with the bomb being dropped Dec. 30. I too think she thinks she would be backsliding if she was to slow down. My house and everything we have worked for is on the market and she could care less.
City Girl says that's because walk away spouses treat the LBS like crap...they are rude, selfish, demanding and cold. They think the sun and moon and stars revolve around them and their every whim and desire. It's part of the anatomy of a WAS.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thank you all. I feel like I am in for a tough weekend. I need to avoid slip-ups. But there is a big part of me that feels like it won't make a difference anyway.
Good news is I have afun night planned tonight -- out with both friends and family and my sister is the designated driver!
(but don't worry I will take my own advice and keep my mouth shut)
Watch out with drinking and talking. I have slipped on that and totally regretted it. I told myself over and over before I went out that I wouldn't say a word but once I had a few drinks my judgement was impared and I suddenly thought it was OK to talk.
But going out is a really good thing. It make such a difference on your PMA. I went out last weekend and it boosted me up a lot. Only lasted a few days but I think the more I do it the more it will boost me up.
I'm not sure where your are in the process. I have recently decided that my only hope was LRT. To go dark as much as possible. Michelle recommends it if your spouse is adament about divorce and on the fast track. Reread that part and see if it is for you. Maybe you are already doing that.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Yesterday was painful. We spent the day preparing the house for sale. I was struck by two things, how much I love everything about her and, for the first time, a question as to whether or not I want to be married to someone who does something like this. She told me that I was very critical. She said I hold myself and others to an impossible standard. And it is absolutely true. She said she felt cheated and for a while hated me. She said it was the only way she could do this. She also said we need to sell the house and get the divorce since it is the only way we can move forward or back. That "or back" obviously struck me. I think she is planning to give me an audition, together with a bunch of other guys once the divorce is final. Then she went on a date last night. I know that she is probably right about the critical stuff. That's true about me and a real flaw. But I just don't know if I want someone who is willing to turn her back on me like this. Someone who can be dating another man 3 months after telling me I was wonderful and she was lucky to have me. I've been trying to DB, but today I am just questioning my need to GAL, and be a better man. Maybe I was ok all along. Worn down by a disease, and with my human flaws. Maybe it was her. I love her, but today I am really wondering whether I want to be married to her.
