I told her I needed a decision soon. She said do I have to make it tonight? I said no. She said if I have to make it tonight then the answer is no, I'm not coming back. I said I'm asking for a decision tonight.
PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE. Pressure does not work. NEVER chase a woman that is acting unsure. NEVER.
Have you ever been out shopping for something like a tv or car and been undecided? How would you react if the salesman told you they needed a decision now? What if you said no to them and they came back with "I am asking for a decision now?"
The normal reaction is to think or say.. "quit pressuring me and if you have to know now, then my answer is no." That is why pressuring does NOT work. It immediately causes the other person to get their guard up and push back against the pressure. Why would you continue to do things that don't work?
Quote:
She said, you know maybe we can learn something from this and maybe be friends after this is over. I said if this doesn't work out, I can't be your friend, I'm sorry. She said, why not? I said I love you too much and it would hurt me too much to have to listen to you and see you and not be able to hold you and love you. She said you're going to be cruel if this doesn't work out aren't you. I said I didn't know but I cannot be your friend if you choose this route.
Wrong response again. "Give me what I want, give me what I want, and if you don't then I won't play." It is still pressure and pursuit. Women are NOT attracted and can't get feelings for weak men and men who say things like "it will hurt too much if I don't get what I want." You need to show her and tell her that you value yourself much more than that. The attitude should be "I will be perfectly fine without you and as a matter of fact, maybe this is for the best. Maybe we ARE better as friends. (just agree with her stance on this so that the pressure is off. You don't have to be her friend if you divorce, but you don't tell her that.)
This takes the pressure OFF. You HAVE to take the pressure off. The only way to do it is to lighten up and back off on trying to pressure her to come back home, drop the other man, go to counseling, get her feelings back and yada yada yada. This doesn't mean that you are going to be her best and only friend. It only means you let her think that being friends will be fine with you. You are showing her that you don't value yourself enough to show her what a strong man does when confronted with diffculties in life. You will gain much more progress when you agree with her that she doesn't deserve you. You are basically telling her with your actions and pursuing that "you can walk all over me and use me any way you want and I will continue to take it and tell you how much it hurts and hope you will feel sorry for me and come back because of my superb verbal skills of telling you that I won't be strong today, but by God I will maybe tomorrow or the next day.
I know you don't want to hear this, but she feels she is in love with the OM. She is waiting to see how that plays out. She is waiting for him as you are for her. You want her to stop what she feels while you are doing the very same thing. You want her to let go of him and you can't let go of her. It all has to do with feelings. She is following her feelings as are you. Women tend to follow their feelings. To get her to come back you have to help her get her feelings to change.
The question is.. How do I do that?
Right now she is thinking.. "I don't know what I want and he keeps pressuring me and I can't make up my mind. I keep thinking of OM and how it can work out with him. AFWAW will be there for me, so THAT isn't an issue.
NOW.. If you let her start to WONDER (that is done by mystery and holding your feelings and cards close)...
When she starts to wonder, then her thought process begins to change. Slowly as you convince her that you are not sure anymore and that you have possibly given up and MAYBE just MAYBE don't even want her back is when she will start to ask herself the right questions....
"Did I make a mistake? Is it too late? He did wait a long time for me and I treated him like crap, but is this what I want?
Now if you were shopping for that tv or car and the salesman had two other people also interested in the same product and he only had one tv or car of that product left and couldn't get another one... THEN he would not need to pressure you to buy it. First come, first serve. This is the last one at this price and a they have been selling like hotcakes. If you have any more questions, feel free to let me know.. AND then he walks away and starts talking to another customer that is also looking at the same product....
Most people would then be thinking... "Do I want to miss out on this deal... What if that other customer buys it and I was here first? and yada yada..
All because of no pressure from the salesman and the knowledge that he has a product that has another buyer in the wings. Both buyers suddenly are more interested in not losing out on something that could be gone if they don't act....
Change your game plan. There is nothing wrong with you. Please get your chin up and show her STRENGTH. Emotional strength. Women like men with emotional strength. They pity men who show how hurt they are when rejected. Pity does not get you love.
She is right in that you don't deserve her at the moment. Your actions shouldd show her that you agree with that too. You will surprise yourself on how much better you will feel when you take charge here. Don't be mean. Don't be punitive. Just let her SEE that you have had an awakening. Let her feel that awakening. NO more telling her how she is running out of time. No more telling her how you can't possibly face life and can't be her friend if you can't have her to hold and love. That is weak. Don't tell a woman those types of things.
"I can handle whatever life throws at me" is the attitude. I am a big boy. I have value and I will NOT tolerate or be with a woman who says she can't make up her mind about me. I am heading in another direction and have had an awakening. I deserve better and I WILL DO AND GET BETTER.
Then leave her alone and let her come to you. When she calls be distant, but middle of the road. Cut her off quickly after a few words of small talk.. "Hey, I was just walking out the door or hey, I am right in the middle of something and have to go"...
Let her WONDER... Create some mystery to get her thought process to change from is this what I want to "have I gone too far..
round and round goes her thoughts. The best way to get her thoughts in your favor is to seem to have given up and moved on so that she has to start chasing and pursuing you for feedback and validation that you will still be there....... You have to pass every test. Your mistake has been that when she chases you even a tiny bit, you grab her and smother her. She then knows you will still be there and quickly goes back to thinking about the OM and knows she can wait it out. She can chase and pursue him knowing you are in the wings.
She has a pretty good deal going. You will take her back at a minutes notice and she knows it. Your words don't convince her that you won't be there. Your words only mean pressure to her right now.
